World’s Oldest Joke Discovered!

Archaeologists have just discovered the world's oldest joke, as ably pointed out in today's Weird News picks by Minister Chuck.

But I can't resist adding that I hope they never dig up this one.

Chuck’s Hand-Picked Overnight Weird News for Saturday

Marketing to people who are inept at multi-tasking
The Child Minder System will beep if you happen to get out of your car, having accidentally left your little urchin in the child seat. That's if you're not too scatter-brained to punch in the code in the first place. "All our lives are so busy," said a spokeswoman. "As a mom, you can get really distracted," said a mom. [Ed.: More marketing opportunities! What if you're so busy you forget which side of the road to drive on? What if you're so distracted, you park directly on the railroad tracks? Those people need devices, too, and they can just as well buy them from you!] WOAI-TV (San Antonio)
Comments 'child_minder'

Did the Bishop get beaten up, or was it just a nasty fall?
Last year, Bishop Donald Pelotte of the diocese in Gallup, N.Mex., was hospitalized with two black eyes and what looks like a couple dozen other bruises and cuts all over his body. Said he fell down a flight of stairs. [Ed.: There's video, and nobody has ever had "a fall" like that.] Then, a few months later, the Bishop made a 911 call about "little men" (3- or 4-feet tall), wearing Halloween masks, running around his house, and that he needed help (even though, he said, they were "gentle"). KOAT-TV (Albuquerque)
Comments 'bishop_pelotte'

A challenging defense strategy to refute a fraud charge
Remi Fakorede, a Nigerian immigrant, was charged with a £925k tax fraud in London, but told the court she was innocent, in that she was a helpless victim of a curse, and, by the way, as evidence of the curse, she reached into her handbag and pulled out two fingers that she said belonged to one of her children. The very same curse that hit me made these fingers fall off! BBC News
Comments 'fingers_curse'

Girl, age 15, 462 lbs.
She looks happy enough in the photos (with her smiling mother), even though "doctors told me I could drop dead at any moment." But, lest you think she's one of those people who feels she's just a victim, she does admit: "I know it's partly my fault." "[I]t's so hard to stop eating." The Sun (London)
Comments 'fattest_teen'

Your Daily Loser
Judon McCann, 17, accidentally shot himself in the thigh while "holstering" his gun in his pocket, after missing what he was shooting at, all over of a $10 debt. Times-Picayune (New Orleans)
Comments 'judon_mccann'

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Edwin Tobergta III, Cincinnati [again, Cincinnati!], was once again released without jail time, on his 6th public indecency conviction (an earlier one of which involved simulating sexual intercourse with a large plastic pumpkin at Halloween). Cincinnati Enquirer [Yep, there's a mug shot!]
Comments 'edwin_tobergta'

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict must be based on mugshot only]
Philip Fleck and his gal Heather Darcy might have been the people who went on that 18-month spree involving the egging of over 400 homes around Lansdale, Pa. KOAA-TV via WCAU-TV (Philadelphia)
Comments 'fleck_darcy'

More Things to Worry About on Saturday
Little urchins commandeering cars has been No Longer Weird for a while, but this one not only has a tender-age driver (4), it has his 2-yr-old brother riding shotgun . . . . . A Houston paralegal sued for wrongful discharge, and she clearly learned a thing or two from hanging around lawyers; she didn't claim mere sexual harassment, but that she was told to go down on a reluctant witness to make him friendlier . . . . . They don't make muggers like they used to: booty consisted of a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, a costume earring, and "three Post-It notes" . . . . . Unclear on the Concept: Landlord, tired of a tenant owing back rent, smashed in the front door with his Hummer . . . . . World's oldest joke uncovered (weak punchline, but it's about marital farting, so it has that going for it). Today's Newsrangers: Jonathan Kopke, Larry Seltzer, John Holsinger, Steve Miller
Comments 'worry_080802'

Lez Zepplin

Loyal and perceptive reader Rain Oubliette, commenting on the Space Age Fridge Ladies, mentions that they resemble an all-female Devo cover band, possibly named "Shevo." Well, no such weird group exists, to the best of my knowledge. But we do have the incomparable Lez Zepplin.

Watch them perform in the clip below.

The Art of Chris Mars

If you dig weird art, you could not get more satisfaction anywhere than at Chris Mars's site, where he's just added some new paintings.

While you're viewing the site, spin some discs by the Replacements. Mars was their drummer before his painting career.

My story, "Jack Neck and the Worrybird," which attempts to capture in prose the weird imagery straight from Mars's paintings, is contained in my collection Little Doors

Salon Kitty

After so many instances in books and movies, the cliche involving hookers who seduce military or business secrets from their clients seems like a total invention. But once upon a time, at least, it was true.

Read about Salon Kitty, then have a look at the opening credits of the movie adaptation, helmed by the inimitable Tinto Brass.

Unfortunately, this movie seems out-of-print on DVD in the USA. But you could always order it from Amazon UK if you have an all-regions player.

Get Your Geek On

Yes, the San Diego Comic Con--or "Nerd Prom" as it is sometimes called--might be over for another year. But it's never too late to fill your life with tchotchkes that uphold your geek credentials. And it's especially easy when you have a resource like The Budk Catalog. Imagine the envy of your nerdly pals--and the instant appearance of a SWAT team--when you parade through your hometown while wearing these Wolverine claws. Hospital coverage due to police sniper fire not included.

Chuck’s Hand-Picked Overnight Weird News for Friday

The most exciting thing that ever happened to a turtle researcher
The guy monitoring the daily habits of Turtle No. 72 in Washington, D.C.,'s Rock Creek Park for the last 7 yrs, mostly via the radio transmitter on 72's back, but every few days paying a personal visit, came upon a farm of 10 marijuana plants grown deep in the brush by a local college student, and Park Police are on the case. Washington Post
Comments 'marijuana_turtle'

Full-time job, car, laptop, wi-fi, cell phone, PayPal account, Netflix subscription—everything except a home
Tom Sepa is not "homeless"; he's an "urban outdoorsman." San Francisco's housing is just too expensive, so he pitches a tent on the back trails of Golden Gate Park most nights so he can stash away a bit of nest egg from his telemarketing job. How to avoid the Park cops? "The whole thing is stealth. I am in after dark and back out before dawn. I do no drinking, make no noise, and always leave it cleaner than when I went in." San Francisco Chronicle
Comments 'urban_outdoorsman'

Your Daily Loser
Gibson Cook, 56, another one of those scrap metal thieves, went foraging for copper at a landfill in Dillon, S.C., crawled under a large container, and got stuck. No one came along for 12 hours. Associated Press via Yahoo [photo of Cook, still trapped]
Comments 'gibson_cook'

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict must be based on mugshot only]
Donroy Merrival might be guilty of willful injury if indeed he did bite off a guy's nose in a fight. (Actually, you could probably render a verdict just as well from Merrival's first name.) Associated Press via Detroit Free Press
Comments 'donroy_merrival'

More Things to Worry About on Friday
The estranged husband whose face was a "waffle" pattern had no trouble convincing police that his wife had, indeed, beaten him with a meat tenderizer . . . . . "Naked man impaled on rusty metal spike" (yet another instance of a man looking, ineptly, for some outdoor privacy to attend to a nature's call) . . . . . Minor-party politico Kishor Samrite, who helped Prime Minister Manmohan Singh in the recent elections in India, decided to thank a Hindu goddess for the victory, which means, as usual, animals paying the price (in this case, 200 sacrificed goats and 4 sacrificed bulls) . . . . . And in Chuck's opinion, not much else went on yesterday (except for that guy who went nuts on the Greyhound bus in Manitoba and spontaneously stabbed his seatmate to death and severed his head, but then, you all already know that, 'cause the story's everywhere now). Today's Newsrangers: Michael Ravnitzky, Robb Ludwig, Scott Langill, Neil Gimon, Dan Peerless, Geoffrey Megargee, Perry Levin
Comments 'worry_080801'

Skel-A-Mingos

Pink Flamingoes may soon be a thing of the past, since the company that makes them is going out of business, but these Skel-A-Mingos are still in stock at Amazon. They'd make a great accompaniment to the Zombie Garden Sculpture I posted about a few weeks ago. (Thanks, John!)

Divorce Deli

Minister Chuck points me toward the Divorce Deli. It remains a question as to whether pickles are extra.

Japanese “Do Not” Signs

The one on the left is self-explanatory, though odd. The meaning of the one on the right, however, is a complete mystery to me. Do not sit on the little cone person?
(via Gloria Brame)

All original content in posts is Copyright © 2008 by the author of the post, either Alex Boese ("Alex"), Paul Di Filippo ("Paul"), or Chuck Shepherd ("Chuck"). All rights reserved. The banner illustration at the top of this page is Copyright © 2008 by Rick Altergott.