In late April 1979, New York City's Health Department received several reports of an elephant seen wandering through Brooklyn. Calls to local zoos, circuses and animal parks didn't turn up any reports of a missing elephant. Nevertheless, officials took off in a Toyota to conduct a door-to-door search throughout Brooklyn for the pachyderm. The Health Department director said, "We have reason to believe the animal is small, but we're talking to the informants to get more information."
Several days of searching only uncovered a few illegal cockfights. So eventually the search for the Brooklyn elephant was called off. Health officials remained unswayed, however, in their belief that the elephant was out there, somewhere. [Star News - May 3, 1979
News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 3, 2013
(datelines May 25-June 1) (links correct as of June 2)
© 2013 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
★ ★ ★ ★!
Among those who simply believe what they want to be believe, no matter what: Adam and Heather Barrington from North Carolina, who are certain their gestating first child will be better off born as Heather frolics among dolphins, as advocated by the “Sirius Institute” (Pahoa, Hawaii, PlanetPuna.com
), which believes that, y’know, dolphins are beautiful, gentle, intelligent creatures, and that it’s stupid to believe that dolphins are wild, vicious animals (rapists, even!). Discovery.com
Here’s the new “world’s greatest lawyer”--being the one who defended Kathleen Cawthorne, 33, who had her 11-yr prison term cut to 4 months in Virginia for having sex with her student . . . because the lawyer helped convince the judge she was clinically “hypersexual” (i.e., vagina on auto-pilot). New York Daily News
More Things to Worry About
Legislators pass no-texting-while-driving laws, but what about Luis Briones of Albuquerque, who crashed his car while having “sexual intercourse of some sort,” according to the police report? The Smoking Gun
The bar was raised for elaborate imposters. Michael McDowell was caught in Fort Worth, Tex., after going to extreme attention-to-detail for 15 yrs being “Brig. Gen.” Michael McDowell. Turns out he used to sell cars. Star-Telegram
National Geographic and BBC News, among others, celebrated the 60th anniversary of the first scaling of Mount Everest . . by pointing out that the paths are so crowded that climbers sometimes have to wait 2 hours for a spot in line (past the “markers” of bodies of the unsuccessful, draped in their countries’ flags). National Geographic
/// BBC News
Tammy Jung, age 23 and 231 lbs., on her way to 430 with the help of her normal-looking, feedbag-applying boyfriend Johan Uberman, is doing it to monetize her fetish website for those sophisticates who can get off only by watching obese women stuff their faces and/or have sex. [Woo-hoo
, is this economy bad! Tammy’s touting that she makes . . $18k a year!
] National Enquirer [6-3-2013 not online, however here’s a link to Huffington Post
’s Deluxe Debauchery-Chronicler David Moye, from 5-10-2013]
And another by Mr. Moye: The mother-daughter porn actresses Jessica and Monica Sexxxton [sic
] are recruiting a father-son duo to co-star with them. Choice to be announced on Father’s Day. Huffington Post
That’s His Story, and He’s Sticking to It: Music teacher Kevin Gausepohl, 38, of Tacoma, Wash., was only academically inquiring whether his teen girl students would be interested in aiding his research on whether they could hit higher octaves if they got naked and aroused themselves. [ed. The late, distinguished Prof. Samuel Kinison once addressed this issue--but found it made the voice lower, i.e., “It changes your octave!!! Ohhhhhhhhhh!!! Humphrey Bogart must’ve had a dick out to here!!! Listen to Lauren Bacall!!! Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!] Bellingham Herald
A 70-yr-old cuckold-retired Army officer was acquitted (jury out only 2 hrs) of killing his wife’s lover, who he thought was raping his wife; she is remorseful, and he is forgiving, and they were off Friday night to celebrate! She chooses . . Waffle Shop! Tampa Bay Times
Pair of Japan Melons Fetch $15,700 at Auction --- New York Daily News
A Pony Walks into a Liquor Store / Donkey Causes Chaos on Balcony in Brussels --- WJAR-TV
(Providence, R.I.) /// Daily Telegraph
Utah Top Gun Lobbyist Arrested for Threatening Ex-Wife with Zombie Response Vehicle --- Raw Story
Strange Old World
Ratziel San Juan was registered for school in the Philippines by his dad. (For brevity, Yr Editor has omitted Ratziel’s 39 middle names.) Inquirer Northern Luzon
A.J. Miller and his lovely
Mary, who run a small cult compound in Kingaroy, Queensland, Ozzie, sat for an interview wherein he vouched that indeed he is Jesus Christ and that he couldn’t be married to Mary because Mary is of course his mom and that quite a few people have moved to Kingaroy to improve their shots at Heaven when the time comes. Sky.com
Other Stuff Yr Editor Learned Last Week
(1) Busted for prostitution only because the police answered a 911 call too quickly
. (2) Captain America of Hollywood Blvd. beat up Spider Man of Hollywood Blvd. for encroaching on his begging turf. (3) Way-Bad Dog! (4) Is it “constipation” if you smuggle a phone into
prison in your butt, but it won’t come out? (5) When you study for “A-level English exams” in Britain (for college admission), you have to “study” Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
“for eight months.” (6) America’s-- America’s!
--Department of Veterans Affairs is so screwed up that if you call the Roanoke office and ask when your previously-filed
application for treatment will be evaluated, the answer is “30 months.” (7) The school board in Camden, N.J., can get sued by a dad (over his son’s getting cut from the track team) for $40 million
(Hartford, Conn.) /// (2) KCBS-TV
(Los Angeles) /// (3) KRCR-TV
(Redding, Calif) /// (4) Scottish TV
(Glasgow) /// (5) BBC News
/// (6) WTKR-TV
(Norfolk-Hampton Roads, Va.) /// (7) Philadelphia Inquirer
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
Two men and one woman were arrested in a Clarksville, Tenn., prostitution sting. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to pick out the woman (and then, for bonus points, explain what the "men's" issues could possibly be). WKRN-TV
Newsrangers: Mark Hazelrigg, Chris Banta, Bruce Leiserowitz, John McGaw, Steve Dunn, Paul Krause, and Peter Swank, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
News of the Weird
Weirdnuz.M321, June 2, 2013
Copyright 2013 by Chuck Shepherd
Low Fashion Meets Islam on Turkish TV: Five self-proclaimed devout, conservative Muslim women host the TV series “Building Bridges” on channel A9, presenting the seemingly contradictory case against both the female headscarf and Turkey’s turn to secularism. A report on Slate.com in May noted that the five are “mostly bottle blonds . . . [with] neon lipstick” wearing “brightly colored satin pantsuits and T-shirts with designer brand names that stretched over their chests.” “Building Bridges” in principle supports interfaith dialogue, but guests (noted Slate) “often appear . . . with their eyebrows arched in the manner of a serious person certain he is the victim of a practical joke.” [Slate.com
Creative Smuggling: Abdullah Riyaz, 50, was arrested at the Rajiv Gandhi International Airport in Hyderabad, India, in April, after he appeared to be uncomfortable sitting in the waiting area. Officials found four “biscuits” of solid gold in his socks but obviously thought there might be more, and after nature took its course, found Riyaz to be one of those rare humans with the ability to brag that he once excreted gold (eight more “biscuits”). [Khaleej Times (Dubai)
A report circulated in April that an apparently Orthodox Jewish man (likely a “Kohen”) had tied himself up, head to toe, in a plastic bag while seated on an airline flight--likely because his teachings told him that flying over a cemetery would yield “impurities.” News of the Weird mentioned a similar report in 2001. Airlines have made accommodations in the past, even in the face of criticism that a man in a plastic bag is a safety hazard. (Exceptions to the Kohen belief: Accidental tears in the bag are excused, but pre-punched air holes not; Kohenim unaware of the cemetery overflight in advance do not need protection; and deceased family members yield no impurities.) [World's Greatest Newspaper
, 4-11-2013; Jewish Press
Accountability: The chairman of the National Showcaves Center in a Welsh national park, aiming to halt a recent downturn in tourism business, threatened in April to sue the UK National Weather Service for its “all too [frequent] . . . gloom and doom reports.” The NWS had called for snow and cold weather over Easter weekend, but no snow fell, and the cold weather was tempered by sun and blue skies. (He also suggested “health”-type warnings on forecasts, e.g., beware that weather reports might be wrong.) [World's Greatest Newspaper
In New Haven, Conn., in March, police had trapped two car-theft suspects in a multifamily building whose occupants were hiding from the suspects, thus necessitating urgency in ending the siege. Officers ordered a K-9 unit but were told it would be delayed. In a tactic departments occasionally employ, officers still threatened to release the dogs immediately, and to make the threat credible, available officers began barking. The suspects quickly surrendered rather than face the vicious canines. [WFSB-TV (Hartford)
Herbert and Catherine Schaible, members of the First Century Gospel Church in Philadelphia and believers in faith-healing rather than medical care, were convicted in 2011 in the bacterial-pneumonia death of their 2-year-old son Kent. As a condition of probation, they promised medical care for their remaining eight children, but in April 2013, their youngest son Brandon died after severe diarrhea, again treated only by prayer, and they were arrested--and the other children removed from the home. The medical examiner called Brandon’s death a homicide, and the couple also face 5-10 years in prison for violating probation. [Philadelphia Daily News
, 4-23-2013; Philadelphia Inquirer
Detectives’ New Best Friend (Facebook): Christopher Robinson, 23, became just one of many recent suspects whose addiction to Facebook did him in. Robinson had never made a single child support payment in the three years since a court order was issued in Milwaukee, Wis., and the case had languished over how to prove that he was hiding money. Using other evidence for probable cause, the prosecutor got a warrant to search Robinson’s private Facebook information and discovered a candid photograph of him, laughing over a pile of cash. [ABC News
The annual Chinese “Tombsweeping” celebration has been mentioned several times in News of the Weird, but has experienced a resurgence since 2008 when the government reinstated it as an official holiday. The theory is that people bring valuable items (such as jewelry) to ancestors’ gravesites and bury them with the body, which will upgrade the relative’s afterlife. Now, however, practitioners seem convinced that paper images of items are sufficient (and, of course, less expensive). Many simply leave signed (and generous!) checks for the dead, according to an April New York Times dispatch, and others bury representations of “mistresses” to accompany presumably-frisky corpses. [New York Times
More in extended >>
, the "Wildman" of Central Park, aka "The Man Who Ate Manhattan,"
is an expert on edible wild plants. He began leading foraging tours of Central Park in the early 1980s, teaching people what plants growing wild in the park they could and couldn't eat.
Of course, the park police weren't going to stand for this. In 1986, two undercover rangers tagged along on his tour and arrested him at the end of it
. The official charge was misdemeanor criminal mischief. He became famous as the only person ever arrested for eating a dandelion.
The charges were soon dropped, and the park then hired him to lead the same tour.
Steve is still going strong. He's got a website
, an app, and he's still conducting his tour. It gets 5 stars on yelp