and the Morning Edition of Chuck's News of the Weird Daily for Wednesday, December 10, 2008 [and once again, too busy today for an afternoon edition; sorry]
The other federal indictment for dumb, inexplicable corruption
Lucky Marc Dreier! He's a gold-credentialed lawyer at the top of his profession—rich, respected, head of a 250-lawyer, king-of-the-hill New York firm. Lucky. Gov. Blagojevich's indictment yesterday effectively hides the news that Dreier apparently traded everything in to run some high-level, blatantly fraudulent investments past some hedge funds and a Toronto pension fund. Not only did it involve wholly-invented documents, but it involved Dreier personally pretending to be someone else in meetings. Tacky. Awkward. New York Times Comments 'marc_dreier'
Today's news story guaranteed to inflame Evangelicals
Think "Ali G Does the Nativity." Kids at Oakwood School in Bexley, England, had the script, but officials say it was just a drama exercise. "Mary lives with [Joe] in a crib down Nazaref." "She's like, 'Ooo ya looking at [to Gabriel]? You got one up the duff, you have.'" "She gives it to him large, 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa slapper. I never bin wiv no one!" And so on. Daily Telegraph Comments 'alig_nativity'
Major drug bust in Greenwood, S.C.
In a town of 22,000, this might be a pretty big haul of suppliers and demanders, 50-some people. Among the arrestees: Chub Rock, Black Pam, Za-Za, Lil Bit, Goat, Ewok, Snow, Bone Man, Truck Stop, and Bin Laden. And there are the mugshots [Ed.: And for my money, without looking at the "evidence" or anything, I'd be willing to blame the whole thing on Rickey Harvley, John Herig, Paul Pearson, and especially Derrick Behlke.]The Index-Journal (Greenwood) Comments 'greenwood_drugbust'
So, what if there's a Mumbai-style attack at NYC's Times Square New Year's celebration?
NYPD's first thoughts: Gee, we only have 400 officers qualified to use machine guns, and training more right now would create duty-scheduling problems, so, one group of personnel without duty-scheduling problems would be . . rookie trainees, who are already in classes. Give them three whole days of exposure to an automatic weapon and turn them loose to fight off a Times Square attack. Is there a problem? New York Post Comments 'nypd_mumbai'
People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Harold Jones, 68, a veteran maintenance worker at Johnston Community College in Smithfield, N.C., was allowed to retire gracefully after a woman's webcam caught him walking around her unoccupied office, fondling various items including himself (exposed). WRAL-TV (Raleigh-Durham) Comments 'harold_jones'
Your Daily Jury Duty [no fair examining the evidence; verdict must be based on mugshot only]
Mark Harris, 30, might look too wise to ever fall for an Internet underage-sex sting. Or maybe not. WIS-TV (Columbia, S.C.) Comments 'mark_harris'
More Things to Worry About on Wednesday
Oops! A respected German science journal, trying to illustrate the beauty of a touching poem in Chinese calligraphy, failed to appreciate the "deeper meaning" that certain characters have (depending on intonation), with the result of some free publicity for a Macau strip club. The Independent (London)
Taking the concept of driving with an "open container" to a new level (like, an open keg in the passenger seat). Dayton Daily News
The best reasoning Vincent Kenny III could produce, when arrested for longtime sexual abuse of a runaway teenager he had befriended (according to a detective): "The defendant said [the boy] had to learn [masturbation] at home because the schools don't teach it."The News Tribune (Tacoma, Wash.)
A roundup of explanations why Chuck E. Cheese joints seem to have more barroom brawls than do redneck watering holes: parents' beer-drinking, kids' monopolizing the coolest video games, parents' readiness to defend their boisterous urchins ("mama bear" syndrome). Wall Street Journal
Faculty at Spirit Creek Middle School in Augusta, Ga., were so busy having sex with each other that they didn't even have time to develop affairs with kids. WRDW-TV (Augusta)
Today's Newsrangers: Karl Olson, Gary Delaney, Sandy Pearlman, Emory Kimbrough, Bob Adams Comments on More Things to Worry About on Wednesday? Comments 'worry_081210'
and the Afternoon Edition of Chuck's News of the Weird Daily for Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Chutzpah: "Officer," she asked the cop who was questioning her during a traffic stop, "Can I light up a cigarette?" (Sure.) Thanks. (Uh, lady [the cop said, noting that the cigarette was kinda odd-shaped], I thought you were talking about a tobacco cigarette.) The Star Press (Muncie, Ind.)
New York man, saying he had "nothing else to do" with his time, has spent two yrs, and $7.5k, fighting his wrongful $115 parking ticket. Associated Press via MSNBC
Irony Overload: (1) A Nevada phlebotomist on contract to the police, summoned to the station to test a DUI driver, showed up over the limit, herself. (2) Customs and Border Protection's chief port director for southern New England was busted for knowingly having an illegal as a housekeeper and in giving the lady instructions on how to beat federal law. (3) Tacky attempts to beat a speeding ticket were revealed against this couple, the man a justice of the peace and deputy church warden and his wife a schoolteacher. Associated Press via KUSA-TV (Denver) ///Reuters via Yahoo///Daily Telegraph (London)
Giving new meaning to the term sucking face, a Chinese woman reported going partially deaf after her boyfriend's turbo-kiss vacuumed loose her left eardrum. Agence France-Presse via Yahoo
The Pentagon's Inspector Gen'l is making the accusation official today with a report: Lotsa Marines must've died from roadside bombs while the Corps brass was diddling around about buying mine-resistant vehicles, that is, until Bob Gates got to town. USA Today
Professor Music's Weird Link o' the Day
Artist extraordinaire (I'm kidding) Nicolas Guagnini's 2007 show 77 Testicular Imprints garnered mixed reviews, and since it's a classic one-trick-pony exhibit, not a lot of the 77 are out and about on the Series of Tubes, but here's a review of the show with a photo containing several of them. You'll notice that each piece is smudged. That's not a bug; it's a feature, the feature, of the art. Each smudge was made by Guagnini's dipping his nutsack in the medium and smudging the image. Since he is known to have a fascination for the number 7, he must have thought he needed more than 7 pieces but fewer than 777. Time-Out New York[Ed.: Longtime NOTW Daily readers might recognize this piece of work, but the original link I supplied way back then was only a promotion page and did not display examples.]
Today's Newsrangers: Kathryn Wood, Larry Seltzer, Ian Pert, Ginger Katz, Bryce Jackson, Eli Christman, Brendan Brady, Kiki Yablon Comments on the Afternoon Edition of Chuck's News of the Weird Daily for Tuesday? Comments 'cycle_081209'
The Comedian Harmonists were a German vocal group of the 1920s and 1930s. The vast majority of their songs were performed in their native language. But in the clip below, they tackle an English-language song phonetically, producing a language that does not resemble any on Earth.
Why do women play hard to get? According to research recently conducted at the University of Bristol, it's so that "men can prove themselves more worthy than their rivals."
Here's how it works. The woman acts coy. The man acts eager and helpful. Eventually the woman decides, "I am going to have a child with this male." I assume she says this in a robotic voice.
The researchers hope their study "could eventually lead to a model that could work out the optimal amount of coyness for a woman to use in choosing a male."
I wrote about some similar research in Elephants on Acid. In 1973 researchers from the University of Wisconsin instructed a Nevada prostitute to play "hard to get," and then studied the reactions of her clients. Hard to get, in that context, meant that she didn't indicate to her clients whether she wanted to see them again. Client response was measured by the number of times the guy returned during the following month. The researchers concluded that men don't like women who play hard to get. Instead men like women who are easy for themselves but hard for everyone else to get. (Thanks, Sandy!)
Hate to break the news to everyone, but Santa Claus died on December 23, 1985 of congestive heart failure. Santa was born in 1927 with the name Leroy Scholtz. He grew up to become the most dedicated mall Santa of all time. He liked the job so much that in 1980 he legally changed his name to Santa C. Claus. FindaDeath.com has a copy of his 1985 death certificate.
Rudolph the Reindeer is also dead. He died of shock in 2005 when two F-16s from the Danish Air Force flew overhead. I assure you, this is a true story.
Along similar lines, I like this 1993 headline from the Dallas Morning News: "Funeral home inviting kids to come visit Santa." The article explains that the funeral home director, Dan Hiett, came up with the idea of inviting kids to sit on Santa's lap in the foyer of the funeral home because "Not every child has the opportunity to go to the mall."
and the Morning Edition of Chuck's News of the Weird Daily for Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Do we consider the Simpsons "persons"?
(a) Of course not; they have four digits on their hands, and they never age. (b) Of course they are because we experience their adventures as real-life proxies. An Australian judge just decided (b), which means (unauthorized) drawings of Bart, Lisa, and Maggie nekkid and fooling around constitute child pornography (and not just trademark and copyright violations). New York Times Comments 'simpsons_porno'
Inoffensive "sex offenders" taking a stand in Texas
Speaking of hysteria over child-sex abuse, states have also failed to distinguish "sexual predators" (whom everyone wants off the streets) from other sex offenders who may be guilty only of having consensual, romantic sex with an underage girlfriend (which a smaller number of Americans regard as horrible). A Texas organization is collecting unfairest-case "victims" to lobby the legislature, including the happily-married mother of three who was a shade south of legal when she first had sex with her future husband. San Antonio Express-News Comments 'predators_offenders'
Can't Possibly Be True: South African teenagers are toking HIV antiviral drugs
Well, they might cut them with marijuana or painkillers, but they're clearly a big part of the mix, at the expense of HIV patients trying to stave off AIDS. (Of course, only until recently has the gov't of South Africa officially adopted the HIV-AIDS connection so prolly a lot of kids still devalue the antivirals as anything except recreational.) BBC News Comments 'smoking_antivirals'
People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Imran Hussain, 32, is another one of our spectacularly poor multitaskers, but with consequences: DUI and DWM (while masturbating), and causing a crash fatal to two men. ("The court heard that Hussain's erect [clinton] was exposed when motorists came to his aid after the crash.") BBC News Comments 'imran_hussain'
Your Daily Jury Duty [no fair examining the evidence; verdict must be based on mugshot only]
Could be that William Pursley Jr. and his wife Kimberly were just being loving, hands-on parents to his young daughter. Or that they were doing bad things to her. Hard to tell. Your call. Abilene Reporter News Comments 'william_pursley'
More Things to Worry About on Tuesday
When an almost-too-good-to-be-true Boston cop was observed by colleagues buying a truckload of Christmas toys for kids, they regarded her as delusional, paid her a home visit, and when she wasn't there (she was out shopping again) surrounded the place in a kinda-suicide-prevention standoff. (Seriously) Boston Herald
A New York City Jew filed a libel lawsuit against a Jewish research center that had accused him publicly (falsely) of possessing an intact organ (which would of course be a terrible thing for him). New York Daily News
Sydney Teerhuis is on trial for murder in Winnipeg, pulling the old "blackout" defense (stabbed him 68 times, but he doesn't remember), but the backstory is his history of wanting to be killed, himself, and eaten (with bones stored under his killer's bed). Vancouver Sun
Comments on More Things to Worry About on Tuesday? Comments 'worry_081209'
I feel bad that my Follies post today was somewhat lame. Therefore, I am making it up to our readers the only way I know how: with some juvenile German "humor."
and the Afternoon Edition of Chuck's News of the Weird Daily for Monday, December 8, 2008
Australia's human rights commission proposes to create an official "third gender" for gov't documents, but then the transgender people complained that there are really four because some people just don't know what they are (or change their minds from day to day). Daily Telegraph (Sydney)
Motorist Michael Montgomery was arrested for doing donuts on the Beaver County (Pa.) Airport runway, but it's OK 'cause the FAA gave him permission. Associated Press via WEWS-TV (Cleveland)
Deborah Tanner, 56, was charged with trying to kill her husband (though she said he welcomed it, because of poor health), even though she didn't do it right (overdose, three neck stabbings, with two of the knives still impaled when she gave up and called police). Bradenton Herald
Bailout Prayer Day at Detroit's Greater Grace Pentecostal Temple had auto workers gathered 'round the altar of three sparkling-white, hybrid SUVs to receive consecrated oil anointments. New York Times
A farmer in southern Lebanon claims the Guinness Book record for largest potato and . . Aiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!, what is it! Arrrghhhhh!!! Aarrrghhhh!!!!!! . . Middle East Online[link from Arbroath]
Daily "tick off Evangelicals" news: Britain's Oxford University Press, which chooses words carefully for its junior dictionaries (small enough to fit in little hands), added a lot of techno-secular words this year and cleared out the useless ones, like "bishop," "saint," "sin," and "minister." Daily Telegraph
A startup called Virtual Greats expects to make money selling celebrity-licensed merchandise except it's not real, i.e., your avatar buys the right to wear Justin Timberlake's fedora (and/or to sell it in the secondary market under the Greater Fool Theory). New York Times
Professor Music's Weird Link o' the Day
This is an example of the American ingenuity that will bring us out of this economic crisis: the combination AR-15/chainsaw ("firearm-mounted anti-zombie device"). AR15.com
Today's Newsrangers: Tom Barker, Stephen Taylor, Philip Urban, Larry Ellis Reed, Bruce Leiserowitz Comments on the Afternoon Edition of Chuck's News of the Weird Daily for Monday? Comments 'cycle_081208'
If you wear one of our sweaters, you'll look like a ridiculous chimp.
"Me Retailer, you Jerk!"
ADDENDUM: Reader Vern notes that the text ridicules the chimp as wearing an older, out-of-style sweater, while the man sports the manufacturer's sleek new model. That's a good point. Nonetheless, how convincing is the comparison, when the human's rival is a monkey?
Paul Di Filippo
Paul has been paid to put weird ideas into fictional form for over thirty years, in his career as a noted science fiction writer. He has recently begun blogging on many curious topics with three fellow writers at The Inferior 4+1.
Chuck Shepherd
Chuck is the purveyor of News of the Weird, the syndicated column which for decades has set the gold-standard for reporting on oddities and the bizarre.
Our banner was drawn by the legendary underground cartoonist Rick Altergott.
Hate to break the news to everyone, but Santa Claus died on December 23, 1985 of congestive heart failure. Santa was born in 1927 with the name Leroy Scholtz. He grew up to become the most dedicated mall Santa of all time. He liked the job so much that in 1980 he legally changed his name to Santa C. Claus. FindaDeath.com has a copy of his 1985 death certificate.
Category: