and the Morning Edition of Chuck's News of the Weird Daily for Friday, December 12, 2008 [and no, not today, either, for the Afternoon Edition; it's been a rough week]
It's good to be a British prisoner: the human right to heroin/methadone
In Britain, if you're a murderer or a bank robber or whatever, and you're also addicted to heroin, your prison has to keep supplying you (for a while, anyway, at least according to one court). Forcing ya to go cold turkey is a "human rights violation." Daily Telegraph Comments 'prisoner_heroin'
Fine points of the law: Ex-wife regarded as shacking-up with . . her prison cellmate
Andrew Craissati's divorce order required him to pay alimony, unless the ex- remarried or "cohabited" with another for more than three months. Then, the ex- got sent to prison on a DUI manslaughter conviction, and Andrew stopped paying, claiming that the ex- is now technically "cohabiting," with her cellmate, whoever that is. The trial court kicked Andrew out, but now a crack F State appeals court has ruled in his favor. Said the ex-'s attorney, understatedly, "It goes to show the most winnable case is losable and the most losable case is winnable." Palm Beach Post Comments 'cohabiting_cellmates'
Updates (1) Latest bright idea from Rev. Fred Phelps and the lesser Phelpses: They want to be part of the Nativity scene at the capitol in Olympia, Wash., with this ditty: *You'd better watch out, Get ready to cry, You'd better go hide, I'm tellin' you why, 'Cuz Santa Claus will take you . . to hell . . ..* (And the problems with the economy? Santa caused 'em.) (2) When this guy first appeared in News of the Weird [NOTW M047, 3-2-2008], it was for sympathy: an already-convicted sex offender who was falsely accused of kidnaping. But today he still has that 1994 sex conviction hanging over him, which means that there are certain places he cannot live, like near schools. This week, a committee of the city council of Sheboygan, Wis., approved his application to live in town, so he's OK . . Mr. Pheuk Kue can have another chance. The Olympian///Sheboygan Press Comments 'updates_081212'
Your Daily Loser
Keisha Kubala, 18, arrived in Gore District Court in New Zealand on a DUI charge, wearing a t-shirt reading "Miss Wasted." (The judge kindly allowed her to go home and change shirts before listening to her case.) The Southland Times (Invercargill, N.Z.) Comments 'keisha_kubala'
People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Ben Hawkins came to our attention in July when he was arrested, but now that he pleaded guilty this week, there is more information on his m.o. He convinced a parent or two that he was a professional "underwear measurer" and that they should turn their kids (as young as 9) over to him in private while he made his "measurements" and notations. WLWT-TV (Cincinnati) Comments 'ben_hawkins2'
Your Daily Jury Duty [no fair examining the evidence; verdict must be based on mugshot only]
Roger Arnold, 33, who was either (a) trying to flash the teenage girl behind the counter at a gas station or (b) having trouble with a pesky zipper in trousers that were too tight and trying as hard as he could to conceal any inappropriate view with a bag of pretzels. TCPalm.com (Stuart, Fla.) Comments 'roger_arnold'
More Things to Worry About on Friday
You have to see this photo, of the 11-year-old Chinese boy accidentally shot in the eye with an arrow (but it missed his brain). The Sun (London)
The Crawford County (Iowa) Board of Supervisors has just approved another three-yr contract for its county engineer, whose name is Paul Assman. [Ed.: This news is about a week old, but I thought you'd like to know that, even though the law in every state makes changing your name pretty easy, there are still a few people, like this guy and the aforementioned Mr. Kue, who seem to be just born to suffer.]Bulletin Review (Denison, Iowa) [link from Fark.com]
And yet another top-of-the-line guy is accused of lucrative but tacky fraud (socialite money manager Bernard Madoff, of New York and Palm Beach, running what he allegedly admitted was a Ponzi scheme on some of the richest poo-poos in the country). Wall Street Journal
If you're ejected from a restaurant for being stinkin' drunk, and accidentally kill yourself joyously sliding down a bannister on your way out the door, it can mean only one thing: a lawsuit by your family against the restaurant. WHIO-TV (Dayton)
Today's Newsrangers: Sandy Pearlman, Paul Music, Ron Crumpton, Joe Schlegel Comments on More Things to Worry About on Friday? Comments 'worry_081212'
and the Morning Edition of Chuck's News of the Weird Daily for Thursday, December 11, 2008 [and, once again, the only edition today!]
State of the Union
According to yesterday's Harris Poll release, Obama's victory margin over McCain (52-46) was only slightly better than his victory margin over the percentage of Americans who believe in ghosts (52-44), but the margin was stronger over astrology (52-31). When paired against each other, evolution beat out creationism, but only by 47-40. That latter result was fortified by Catholics, in that Protestants, 54-46, are more certain there's a reason in there somewhere why male nipples look like female nipples. Business Wire via Marketwatch.com Comments 'harris_poll'
People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Brittany Phillips, 19, and her man, Todd Stewart, 35. It all happened when she, for some strange reason, wanted to have sex with him. But he so much wanted to avoid having sex with her that he endured a stabbing in the mouth. The Smoking Gun' Comments 'brittany_phillips'
Your Daily Jury Duty [no fair examining the evidence; verdict must be based on mugshot only]
Howronda Overstreet, 31, might have intentionally backed her car up into her estranged husband, injuring him. (Bonus evidence that you're supposed to ignore: Then, she got out of the car, walked around, and laughed.) Tampa Tribune Comments 'howronda_overstreet'
More Things to Worry About on Thursday
Another instance of one of the great puzzles of our era: At a time in which many families are struggling, how does a person who is so stupid as to lose $108,000 to a tacky psychic manage to accumulate $108,000 in the first place? San Francisco Chronicle
Another one of those "trend" stories that's probably not more than unlimited-space Internet news editors looking for a splash: People are wanting plastic surgery for after they die, so they'll look good at their funerals. ("I've had people mention that they want their breasts to look perky when they're dead," said one mortician.) MSNBC
Seems like a serious crime problem in Perth, Australia: The police are thinking about hiring private security guards to protect the police station. Australian Associated Press via News.com.au
Today's Newsrangers: Paul Music, Phil Carhart Comments on More Things to Worry About on Thursday? Comments 'worry_081211'
The residents of Aroostook County, Maine constructed a scale model of the solar system which you can see as you drive along Route 1 from Presque Isle to Houlton. The sun, located at Presque Isle, reaches up to the third floor of the Northern Maine Museum of Science. The earth, a mile away at Percy's Auto Sales, is a styrofoam ball 5.5 inches in diameter. Drive another 4.3 miles to see Jupiter. And Pluto, forty miles away at the end, is a one-inch-diameter wooden ball.
Everyone seems to use a different mnemonic to remember the planets in the Solar System. The one I learned is "My Very Elegant Mother Just Sat Upon Nine Porcupines."
To remember the points of the compass I always have to repeat the phrase "Naughty Elephants Squirt Water".
If you dislike to wash dishes, you won't envy the job of Wilhelm Nauer of Pittsburgh, Pa. He washes twenty trays, all day long, every day in the week. Nauer is a "scientific dishwasher" employed by the Westinghouse Electric and Manufacturing Co., to test a new kind of tray made with a paper base upon which a resin composition is baked.
Every three and a half minutes, Nauer finishes scrubbing and wiping a tray. He will keep this up, month after month, until the tray wears out. The purpose of the unusual experiment is to determine the wearing quality of the new product.
I wonder if it made his job any more bearable to be called a Scientific Dishwasher rather than a Scrub Boy?
Teenagers have discovered a new method of screwing themselves up. Cutting and poisoning themselves is no longer enough. The new fad is to deliberately embed objects in their flesh. Doctors report that they've removed a variety of embedded objects from the arms, hands, feet, ankles and necks of teenage girls. These objects include: needles, staples, wood, stone, glass, pencil lead, crayon, and an unfolded metal paper clip more than 6 inches long.
In cases of self-embedding disorder, objects are used to puncture the skin or are forced into a wound after cutting... At least two teens have disclosed instances of self-embedding, said Terry Ciszek, the hospital's director for outpatient services. Both girls had intentionally inserted pencils under their skin and then broke off the lead to keep it lodged there.
Goes without saying that the teenagers doing this have a lot of mental health issues. Link: Chicago Tribune
(I'm pretty sure someone forwarded us this link, but I can't remember who it was. Thank you, whoever you are!)
What image could possibly be great enough for our milestone fiftieth installment? Only this one!
At one time, during either the seventies or the eighties, I believe, this campaign was ubiquitous. I would run across OJ and his boots in every issue of Playboy I intended to cut up for collages, whereupon I would promptly rip out the page intact and mail it to a friend. That's why I had to find a scan on eBay, for this post, and can't tell you the exact provenance of the advertisement.
Of course, today we laugh because of OJ's appearance. "So that's how he was able to escape so fast after the murders! He deployed his third leg!"
But consider the campaign even without OJ.
First you get the off-color allusion to "third leg = penis." Then you get the Addams-Family-style associations of "Our boots are worn by mutants and freaks."
Paul Di Filippo
Paul has been paid to put weird ideas into fictional form for over thirty years, in his career as a noted science fiction writer. He has recently begun blogging on many curious topics with three fellow writers at The Inferior 4+1.
Chuck Shepherd
Chuck is the purveyor of News of the Weird, the syndicated column which for decades has set the gold-standard for reporting on oddities and the bizarre.
Our banner was drawn by the legendary underground cartoonist Rick Altergott.
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