Weird Universe Archive

February 2009

February 20, 2009

Identity-Preserving Balaclava

Instructables.com offers a step-by-step guide for making your very own identity-preserving balaclava. Why would you want this? They point out:

the main reason that cold-weather facial attire is somewhat socially taboo is because it generally obscures the identity of the person wearing it. Despite all of the progress our society has made towards accepting and treating all people fairly, we are still yet to escape the notion that a person in a balaclava (or ski mask) is generally up to no good. The "Identity Preserving Balaclava" is my solution to the social stigma associated with the identity concealing effect of the average balaclava.

So how long before Chuck gets to post about a stupid criminal who tries to rob a bank wearing an identity preserving balaclava? (via Boing Boing)




Posted By: Alex - Fri Feb 20, 2009 - Comments (15)
Category: Fashion

Albert Bacon Pratt’s Helmet Gun


In 1916 Albert Bacon Pratt of Lyndon, Vermont was issued patent No. 1183492 for a "gun adapted to be mounted on and fired from the head of the marksman." The wearer fired the gun by blowing into a tube. Most of Pratt's patent application is fairly dry and technical, but here he offers his thoughts on some of the advantages of his invention:

The weapon described has many advantages. The gun is automatically aimed unconsciously and incidentally to the turning of the head of the marksman in the direction of the target. In self-protection, one immediately, instinctively turns the head in the direction of attack to see the enemy, or, in hunting, toward any sound made by nearby game. Thus the gun is automatically directed toward the mark in the course of the first instinctive movement. With the gun thus aimed, the only further operation necessary to fire the same is to blow through the tube and thereby expand the bulb and operate the trigger. This is accomplished entirely from the head of the marksman, leaving his hands and feet free further to defend himself or for other purposes as desired. Under some circumstances the gun can be fired not only without the use of the hands and feet, but also without the use of the eyes of the marksman. For example, in hunting at night if an animal made a sound in underbrush, the head of the marksman would be instinctively turned in the direction of the sound and then the gun would be fired, without the use of the eyes of the marksman.



Pratt then points out that his invention is useful not only in combat, but also in the kitchen:

The crown section of the helmet when detached from the base of the helmet may be inverted and used as a cooking utensil, the elongated hood projecting therefrom for protecting the barrel of the gun serving as the handle therefor.

Pratt claimed he had solved the problem of recoil:

The "blow-back" causes the breech-bolt to retreat and automatically cock the hammer, but the strong spring back of the breech-bolt forces the same so quickly forward again following the recoil, that the two movements naturalize one another so promptly that no discomfort to the wearer results from the recoil.

But I suspect he didn't have all the bugs ironed out, which must be why such a useful invention never caught on.

Posted By: Alex - Fri Feb 20, 2009 - Comments (16)
Category: Inventions, Weapons

February 19, 2009

Second WEIRD UNIVERSE Contest:  Official Results!!!

Well, the voting is over, and it was a neck-and-neck gallop for the finish line. I was monitoring the poll at regular intervals for the last hour, and what seemed a sure victory turned into a narrow upset. But there's a clear winner, with no need for another tie-breaker vote.

There were 296 votes overall. Here are the stats for all the captions that earned double-digit totals, in reverse order, leading to the winner:

Coming in at fifth place, Caption 16 earned 11 votes.
Charles brooded. After all, Anna was supposed to be HIS mistress, not his wife's.
Emmitt Dove in CT

Coming in at fourth place, Caption 2 earned 32 votes.
Woman: "What are you writing dear?"
Man: "A suicide note... sign here!"
Dumbfounded

Coming in at third place, Caption 35 earned 33 votes.
Realizing he had spent the best years of his life in the simultaneous pursuit of deep intellectual thought and loose women, the now middle aged Henry Willingsworth decided then and there to dedicate his life to chasing the dragon. Yes, an opium habit would make the insufferable voices go away...well that and murder....
Chelonian

Coming in at second place, Caption 62 earned 36 votes.
Theodore turned in his chair, giving Betty and Lynn a lingering, side-long glance. "What could they be up to...?" he thought to himself, fingering his fountain pen precariously over the manuscript of his latest novel, the sprawling epic, 'Foamy Waves of Passion's Ungoverned Despair'. "I'm sure that they couldn't know--how could they know? I've hidden the trapdoor well; and even if she did suspect, two layers of sea-lion-skin rugs are far too heavy to lift for a woman of such dainty pulchritude as Lynn--But Betty... Betty, Betty, Betty, I'm not so sure about that one. She's a dyke. She has dyke-strength, that one. And ho! Perhaps when Lynn herself was trying to persuade me 'oh Theodore, stop calling my sister a dyke, for heaven's sake she has three children' that lesbian-queen herself was hurling those rugs away like a behemoth vixen, clawing through my trap door, bounding across the rancid-custard booby-traps (nay, she must've slurped up the foul concoctions herself, that nefarious demon-puss!), and into the secret chamber! God help me, if she laid her dirty dyke-tongue on a single one of my Boy Meets World action figures, in the name of Topanga, I will f--"
Sam in Colorado

Coming in first, Caption 4 earned 38 votes.
Thanks to his mother, Simon wasn't turning out to be the quite the son Gordon had hoped for.
Dumbfounded

So that makes Dumbfounded the winner! He passed Sam in Colorado only during the last few minutes of the contest.

Dumbfounded's win is especially notable, since another entry of his placed fourth.

Let's all hear it for Dumbfounded! Yay! Huzzah!

And Messr. Dumbfounded must now send me his snail-mail particulars: pgdf@cox.net.

Let me address a few issues raised in various comments.

First, Sam's two entries--Caption 62 and Caption 63--were really intended as one by him. I split them because there was a huge spatial gap between them, and no apparent segue. Caption 63 picked up one vote, which, added to the total for Caption 62, still did not top Dumbfounded. Now, it might be argued that I screwed Sam's chances by this accidental editorial revision. But it could equally be argued that I made Caption 62 more attractive by splitting it. In any case, I regret not consulting Sam first, and so I am going to award him a consolation prize!

Sam in Colorado: please send me your snail-mail particulars! pgdf@cox.net

That's how we roll here at WEIRD UNIVERSE. Just like Obama, we admit mistakes and seek to remedy them!

Next, some readers suggested that I should have trimmed the list of contestants down to a handful of "best" entries. That was precisely what I was trying to avoid: imposing my judgment on the WU democracy. So I'm grateful everyone was willing to deal with the huge slate of choices.

I just want to thank all the contestants and all the voters and all the silent readers who just sat back and enjoyed the contest. You're a super bunch!

Posted By: Paul - Thu Feb 19, 2009 - Comments (15)
Category: Weird Universe, Contest

The Fairies

I think that this Australian kiddie show has a good chance to rival Barney or the Smurfs for saccharine content.

I kept waiting for a lawnmower to visit their grassy realm.



Posted By: Paul - Thu Feb 19, 2009 - Comments (11)
Category: Music, Television, Children, Dance, Australia

Contest Voting To Close

I'm shutting down the poll widget for the Second WU Contest at 11:00 AM EST.

Get your vote in if you haven't!

Posted By: Paul - Thu Feb 19, 2009 - Comments (0)
Category: Weird Universe, Contest

Homeless Panhandler 2.0, Plus The Lie, Redefined

News of the Weird Daily
Thursday, February 19, 2009

Defining bullshit down, to even below blagojevich-level
On ABC's "Good Morning America" yesterday, Herman Rosenblat said "It wasn't a lie." "It was my imagination" that has led him, for 13 yrs, including a book and movie deal, to claim that he first met his future missus at a concentration camp when she, on the outside, used to throw applies over the fence to him (and then they re-met by chance on a blind date in New York City). Holocaust researchers showed recently that Rosenblat was full of crap. Nonetheless, he said yesterday, "Even now, I believe it, that she was there and she threw the apple to me. n my imagination, it was true." It was the right thing to do, he said, and he never considered that it was not true. (And neither did Oprah, until recently.) ABC News
Comments 'herman_rosenblat'

More Things to Worry About

A homeless man in Houston, Tex., a veteran of five yrs of street-begging, can now be contributed to on his website (Seriously, but it's all on the up-and-up.) KTRK-TV (Houston) /// PimpThisBum

A 50-yr-old man in Cape Cod, Mass., found out the hard way that if a younger man is not polite, that younger man is also more likely to get violent when you point out how rude he is. Associated Press via Yahoo

Two words: "turkey rapists"! Brisbane Courier-Mail

Recurring Themes: Your life-expectancy drops if you like to walk on railroad tracks listening to music with earphones, but on the other hand, if you go out drinking, get skunked, fall in front of an oncoming train, and get part of your leg whacked off, that's mostly not your fault. Associated Press via Belleville (Ill.) News-Democrat /// New York Post

At last weekend's AAAS (science) convention, a Princeton researcher presented brain-scan evidence backing the general belief that men see yowza!-dressed women as pure objects. (Bonus: The only brain activity comparable in the research is for how men see drug addicts and the homeless.) National Geographic News

Comments on Things to Worry About?
Comments 'worry_090219'

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Sheriff's officers in Washington County, Iowa, are looking for the man who "several" times has passed cars on the road, seen lone women driving, raced ahead, pulled over, got out, and exposed himself in time for her to see him as she drove by. The Hawk Eye (Burlington)
Comments 'highway_flasher'

Your Daily Jury Duty
["In America, a person is presumed innocent until the mug shot is released"]
Julius and Samuel: They may be the ones responsible for all that graffiti around Glens Falls, N.Y. Maybe. Post Star (Glens Falls)
Comments 'julius_samuel'

Today's Newsrangers: Stephen Taylor, Peter Wardley, Jerry Whittle

Posted By: Chuck - Thu Feb 19, 2009 - Comments (0)
Category:

Nice Jewish Guys

If you still need a calendar for 2009, consider the Nice Jewish Guys calendar, featuring twelve months of really nice guys.

There doesn't seem to be a companion Nice Jewish Girls calendar. The closest I could find was a calendar of Jewish girls published by Heeb Magazine for the Jewish year 5769. But it features the kind of girls that most nice Jewish guys don't have a prayer of ending up with.

Posted By: Alex - Thu Feb 19, 2009 - Comments (13)
Category: Retail Establishments

Beautiful Cervix

This sounds like the setup for a porn movie, but it's not:

Every night, for 33 days, her boyfriend strapped on a head lamp, got out his camera, and photographed her cervix.

"O'Nell" got her boyfriend to photograph her cervix every day as "an exercise in body exploration." She then uploaded the results to the web. You can see the results here. I don't know if it's Not Safe for Work, but it's definitely Not Safe For Breakfast. O'Nell threatens that by Spring 2009 she hopes to have more women's cervices posted.

Posted By: Alex - Thu Feb 19, 2009 - Comments (20)
Category: Body, Genitals

February 18, 2009

Interim Voting Announcement

We've gotten over sixty votes in so far! Thanks! Keep them coming!

At this moment, three captions are tied for first place. I did not really think about what to do in case of a tie. But I see two solutions:

1) Have a second, tie-breaking vote.

2) Award the prize to the person who submitted their caption earliest.

I'm tending toward #1 myself.

What do you all think?

Posted By: Paul - Wed Feb 18, 2009 - Comments (16)
Category: Weird Universe, Contest

Second WEIRD UNIVERSE Contest Voting

image

A) Here's the original caption above, for your enjoyment and comparison.

B) I've shut off Comments on the original Contest Post, so all entries are officially in.

C) If you look at the count for Comments on that post, you should see the figure of "89." Two comments were corrections to the contestants' prior entries. One comment was a compliment to another contestant. But one comment contained two captions. So 89 minus 3 plus 1 equals 87 entries on display here, EACH ONE BEARING A UNIQUE VOTING NUMBER ABOVE THE ENTRY, and the contestant's handle beneath.

D) It's a lot of reading, in a big post, but I did not want to hide any entries in an "Extended" section, as I felt that would prejudice readers against them.

E) I haven't tampered with the entries, except to add an occasional bit of punctuation or capitalization, or maybe fix a spelling error.

F) Decide which entry you like best, THEN VISIT THIS LINK, WHERE THE VOTING WIDGET LIVES.

G) I've tested the polling widget, which I could not embed here, and it seems to work fine. The current results should display as you vote.

H) Tomorrow around this time, I'll disable the voting and declare a winner!

I) Good luck to everyone!

1)
"Darling, our 'credit crunch' worries are over! Daphne's agreed to go on the game!"
Dumbfounded

2)
Woman: "What are you writing dear?"
Man: "A suicide note... sign here!"
Dumbfounded

3)
Woman: "It's very nice of Merrill Lynch, but couldn't we just have a cash bonus again like last year?"
Dumbfounded

4)
Thanks to his mother, Simon wasn't turning out to be the quite the son Gordon had hoped for.
Dumbfounded

5)
I knew I couldn't afford two of them!
Rofo

6)
No, I'm not with another man, I just haven't been in the mood, for you.
Rofo

7)
The "two for the price of one" psychoanalysis special was not going as well as Dr. Smythe had envisioned.
Ledasmom

8)
Woman : BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!
Man (to himself) : Fucking whores.
JoJo

9)
So THAT'S why you're always spending so much time at your "book club" meeting!
Dawn in PA

10)
Two wives = laid twice as often? HAH! They prefer each other and the selfish little wenches won't even consider a threesome!
Dawn in PA

11)
My Facebook page clearly stated I was not interested in a "conventional" relationship!
Moon in manassas, va

12)
Don't be glum dear, you can watch next time.
Nicole in VA

13)
"I'm sorry Honey, it's my new diet. No protein for six months."
Merlin in Las Cruces, NM

14)
The down side of being a single guy working the wedding registration desk for gay marriages.
Merlin in Las Cruces, NM

15)
Woman: "Remember, it's only a Green Card marriage. You didn't think you were actually going to get any, did you?."
Merlin in Las Cruces, NM

16)
Charles brooded. After all, Anna was supposed to be HIS mistress, not his wife's.
Emmitt Dove in CT

17)
Actually, Marge, he does have a dick; I just don't let him use it.
Expat47 in Athens, Greece

18)
He's been like that ever since he invented that vibrator thingy.
Expat47 in Athens, Greece

19)
Oh Roger, don't be such a grouch. It makes perfect sense ... while you work on the "Economic", Betty will work on the "Stimulus".
Mad Hatter

20)
Oh Roger, you have such an active imagination! It's just a book club ... uh, and then we're going shopping for some sensible shoes.
Mad Hatter

21)
-Darling, you have been nominated in Obama's Cabinet!
-Did you pay your taxes?
Yudith

22)
Don't look so glum dear, we agreed to let you watch.
Jules in CT

23)
Darling, do you think that asshole Madd Maxx is going to cause problems with this contest like he did with the first one?
Madd Maxx

24)
How many times do I have to tell you honey? It doesn't matter what you put on your Christmas list. There is no Santa.
Madd Maxx

25)
Honey, Elizabeth and I are going upstairs to munch on each others rugs. Could you be a dear and let us know when Top Chef comes on?
Madd Maxx

26)
Don't worry, Alice. Once you're married you can stop sucking him.
Sweetie, remember when we used to have oral sex? Hee hee!
Madd Maxx

27)
George likes working those silly sudoku puzzles. Hee hee. Silly man, those things will never be popular.
Madd Maxx

28)
Hopefully someone will invent a pill one day to take care of Richard's limp problems.
Madd Maxx

29)
He: "What are you two tittering about?"
She: "We just realized that when cloning is perfected for humans, men will become obsolete! And it's men who work so hard to make this possible! Isn't it hilarious?"
A.R.Yngve

30)
Darling, $20,000 isn't too much for her wedding. She's your precious baby. It's only her 5th marriage, this is something to treasure.
Jessica in Pittsburgh

31)
Don't be mad at me because I said was I was inviting Julia over for pancakes, and this wasn't what you had in mind.
Matt in Florida

32)
Who needs men? We have cloning now!
Susan in Seattle

33)
After his sex change operation, he found their "girly" chatter to be inane, and unbearable.
Barry Parsons

34)
Woman speaking: Honey, you bug me for months about a threesome with another "lady", and now you seem reluctant.
Man: "Lady?" If I had a bulge in my pants as big as "her's" I'd have to wear a skirt too.
VoiceInTheFan in PA

35)
Realizing he had spent the best years of his life in the simultaneous pursuit of deep intellectual thought and loose women, the now middle aged Henry Willingsworth decided then and there to dedicate his life to chasing the dragon. Yes, an opium habit would make the insufferable voices go away...well that and murder....
Chelonian

36)
Don't worry Monica, Bill's just upset that I won't let him play in the Oval Office anymore.
Dead Girl in In the USA

37)
Don't worry, girl. He's just jealous 'cause your gas is louder.
Dave

38)
"Oh Darling, don't be silly. Just write the check and we'll be off to the shops. We have plenty of money in the bank... what could there possibly be to worry about?"
SeriouslyJane in Sparks, NV

39)
The real reason Chuck Shepherd keeps posting "News of the Weird" late...
Yoyogod

40)
"Oh, Todd! It's all so exciting! First I get nominated to run for Vice President and now it seems that our little Bristol is in the family way!"
Martel

41)
He (thinking): What has D. H. Lawrence got that I haven't?
Phred22

42)
You sir! Guess which one of us is the lady and get a prize.
Malk

43)
Somehow, Alastair knew this would be his last letter from the Bergdorf's display window.
Kirk Vilb in East Anglia

44)
"Sorry, Darling, She just does it so much BETTER than you!"
Nighthawk

45)
Oh, he always gets this way around tax time.
Jack in Fairfax Station, VA

46)
He's not smiling Bob!
Morgin

47)
Don't be so Madd Maxx, there is enough of me to go around!
NewGuy

48)
If you're going to use your constantly moving mouths to distract me, there are better ways.
MARCUS

49)
C'mon, Henry. No one reads anymore anyway, and Anais wants to show us some neat French thing she learned...
Vitajex

50)
Dear Penthouse....
Greenlantern

51)
Dearest Casanova,
Something went terribly wrong...
Cfx

52)
Chicks are for fags!
Barry Parsons

53)
No, Honey, she's MY Valentines Day present! You already had your little "private phone call," remember?
Dave Hanford

54)
Husband: Hey honey, did you make a new friend today?
Wife: Really? You're just now realizing that we're conjoined twins?
Rachel

55)
Woman 1: Hey, Dickhead, what are you writing?
Man: None of your business, Bitch!
Woman 2: Wow, you two have such honest, open communication.
CaptainBuzzkill in Canada

56)
Arthur, dear. She says she'll do us both for 50 bucks.
Babeecow

57)
You are wasting your time darling. Betty heard that some French madman already wrote 'memoirs'.
Zlzl

58)
Woman: You should have seen Florence's husband's face when we came out. Oh, hang on, it was just like that actually...
Jake in Manchester, UK

59)
He claims to have writer's block. If you ask me, the only cure for his 'blockage' is prune juice.
Kelby in Austin

60)
Come, Sherlock! Maybe a threesome will assuage your dyspepsia!
Ted S. in Little Falls, NY

61)
Darling, i've told Annabelle she can stay as long as she likes, you'd be happy to sleep on the couch while she's here.
Patty

62)
Theodore turned in his chair, giving Betty and Lynn a lingering, side-long glance. "What could they be up to...?" he thought to himself, fingering his fountain pen precariously over the manuscript of his latest novel, the sprawling epic, 'Foamy Waves of Passion's Ungoverned Despair'. "I'm sure that they couldn't know--how could they know? I've hidden the trapdoor well; and even if she did suspect, two layers of sea-lion-skin rugs are far too heavy to lift for a woman of such dainty pulchritude as Lynn--But Betty... Betty, Betty, Betty, I'm not so sure about that one. She's a dyke. She has dyke-strength, that one. And ho! Perhaps when Lynn herself was trying to persuade me 'oh Theodore, stop calling my sister a dyke, for heaven's sake she has three children' that lesbian-queen herself was hurling those rugs away like a behemoth vixen, clawing through my trap door, bounding across the rancid-custard booby-traps (nay, she must've slurped up the foul concoctions herself, that nefarious demon-puss!), and into the secret chamber! God help me, if she laid her dirty dyke-tongue on a single one of my Boy Meets World action figures, in the name of Topanga, I will f--"
Sam in Colorado

63)
"Oh Lynn, that was a hilarious joke about pecans."
"Do you think so? Oh why thank you Betty. I do so enjoy--"
"Lynn."
"Yes?"
"He's doing it again."
"Oh. Oh dear. Why do you think he... And that eyebrow, my god."
"I never knew a person could raise their eyebrow so high."
"Really, that's quite an achievement."
"Yes. But it is quite unsettling."
"Yes."
"Let's go for a drink."
"Yes, now please."
Sam in Colorado

64)
Don't worry, Jules. Madd Maxx is just mad that we played pancakes without him.
KW in Dallas, TX

65)
Hmmm... I wonder how much I'll save if I file my tax status as "polygamist"
A Soggy French Fry in United States of Alcohol

66)
Damn Mormon church would only grant me one prenup!!
A Soggy French Fry in United States of Alcohol

67)
"Dahling, sadly, the pen is mightier than the sword."
Kurt Knochel

68)
"Ahh, Don't Mind my husband, he always looks that way when Constipated"
Jsmith_2000

69)
Man: Either you two stop that, or else make me a sandwich!
Joshua Zev Levin, Ph.D. in Marlton, NJ

70)
"Oh Dorothy, you forgot his hemorrhoids cream again didn't you?"
A Soggy French Fry in United States of Alcohol

71)
Oh, he's always like this at tax time, Betty.
Patty

72)
"Judge, do you mean you've never married conjoined twins before?"
JOe Tully

73)
Man: Which one of you farted?
A Soggy French Fry in United States of Alcohol

74)
Don't forget, darling, since Elizabeth and I can't marry I will be receiving alimony from you for a very long time.
Tracey

75)
Woman on the right: "Don't make that face at us, good sir. As you are perfectly aware, whomever smelt it is the party that dealt it!"
DokHolocaust

76)
Well, you should have picked up your Viagra like I told you!
Ray Henderson

77)
Relax, dear. Her astrologer told her she can pay us back as soon as there is a six planet alignment in Capricorn.
Doforanimals in Southwest Florida

78)
You're right honey, she can't give me everything--she doesn't pay the bills!
BG in Sunny San Diego

79)
Woman on right - "Honey, I know you are a sad case, but please stop writing jokes in base 13."
DownCrisis

80)
Poor dear, he's just disappointed because he misheard when I told him my new friend was a notorious flapper.
Mo Holkar on 02/18

81)
Jeff dear, are you trying to pen another "God exists" response to Madd Maxx?
Madd Maxx

82)
With dawning horror, Frank realized that the second wife in a polygamous marriage was not tax deductable.
Miland

83)
Look, dear! You can move her just like a real woman, and you'll never guess where I've got my hand!
Ledasmom

84)
If you were REALLY heterosexual, dear, you'd want to join in!
Paul Cilwa in Mesa, AZ

85)
Don't worry about him, dear. Ever since his "accident" with the belt sander, he has to be content writing captions for cartoons!
Vern in KY

86)
Woman on right: Darling, I know we said we were going to have a threesome with Matilda here, but she and I have talked it over and we'd like you to leave so we can be alone together.
Chickchickaboom in Merlin

87)
Oh, Harold. When I said "Let us be gay" I didn't mean you!
Darev2005 in Midwest Hell

Posted By: Paul - Wed Feb 18, 2009 - Comments (22)
Category: Weird Universe, Contest

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Who We Are
Alex Boese
Alex is the creator and curator of the Museum of Hoaxes. He's also the author of various weird, non-fiction books such as Elephants on Acid.

Paul Di Filippo
Paul has been paid to put weird ideas into fictional form for over thirty years, in his career as a noted science fiction writer. He has recently begun blogging on many curious topics with three fellow writers at The Inferior 4+1.

Chuck Shepherd
Chuck is the purveyor of News of the Weird, the syndicated column which for decades has set the gold-standard for reporting on oddities and the bizarre.

Our banner was drawn by the legendary underground cartoonist Rick Altergott.

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