Who Fools the Foolkiller?

The creative folks at Marvel Comics pride themselves on the fact that their fictional universe closely mirrors the real one--with the addition of superheroes, natch.

For instance, Spider-Man operates in New York City, not some imaginary "Metropolis."

And when the President of the USA is depicted, it's not Lex Luthor, but the real office-holder of the moment.

But the recent issue number four of the miniseries Foolkiller reveals a startling incongruity between the Marvelverse and ours.

Either that, or scripter Gregg Hurwitz and editor Axel Alonso have never ridden in an actual airplane before.

You see in this page the fat victim of the trained assassin enter a lavatory on a commercial flight. We'll give Hurwitz and Alonso props for mentioning that it's a tight fit. Nonetheless, enormous victim and killer somehow squeeze in together, whereupon the lav suddenly enlarges like a Tardis.

And then the killer drowns his victim in the potty.

Airline toilets simply do not feature basins of standing water. They operate with the push of a button and a sparse rinse of famous blue chemicals.

This killing, then, requires a larger suspension of disbelief than the existence of the entire Avengers, and will surely jolt any half-awake reader completely out of the attempt at realism.

That's just weird.

Worst. Spy Movie. Ever.

1) Incoherent script.

2) Lame humor.

3) No chemistry between Peck and Loren.

4) Primary villain looks like Peter Sellers as Inspector Clousseau.

5) Sophia Loren as an Arab.

6) Gregory Peck takes a psychedelic trip on a bicycle.

7) Secondary villain uses term "daddy-o" excessively.

8) Poison eyedrops.

The Impactors

The first rule of the Impactors Club is that it's For Men Only. The second rule of the Impactors Club is that... well, you get the idea.

The Impactors is for men who enjoy "adult hard riding." They're into "Bareback, Saddle, Naked, etc. Leather, Sweat, and sharp spurs." Sharp spurs are essential. The things they like to ride are horses, ponies, and donkeys.

Poe's Law states that it's almost impossible to distinguish between extreme religious fundamentalism and parodies of it. I think there needs to be a similar law that would apply to sadistic freaks, because I can't tell whether the Impactors is a joke... or not.

Spring Heel Shoe

These ridiculous shoes come in many different styles at the J. Rubio website. I saw a guy wearing a pair when I was passing through an airport recently, and he looked like the dorkiest dork that ever dorked.

The verdict is still out, however, on whether wearing them will turn you into the mythic monster known as Spring-heeled Jack.

Donation Meters

How to solve the problem of unruly panhandlers?

The donation meter!

The picture here portrays one in Denver, which I found on the Flickr page of msitarzewski.

Read all about Atlanta's recent experiment with donation meters here.

Follies of the Mad Men #30

[From Life magazine for June 9 1952.]

This ad was part of a long campaign for the product, which depicted men and boys doing common tasks in public in their underwear. Kinda the male equivalent of the famous "I dreamed I went to work in my Maidenform bra" series of ads. No matter the possible plausible logic of the creators, this series conjures up nothing so much as a kind of weird nation solely populated by mentally challenged males, where outer clothing has yet to be invented.

Hot Thrills and Warm Chills

What you will witness in the video to the right is the first few minutes of HOT THRILLS AND WARM CHILLS. (It's totally Safe for Work, though the film itself is not.) But the trailer can only begin to convey the true stupefying awfulness of the film.

The gal doing the dance is actress Rita Alexander, and she's the ringleader of a trio of female jewel thieves. She meets with her cronies in her apartment, where they discuss their sex lives, with flashbacks of some assorted mattress workouts. The gals are topless during these bouts, but both males and females retain their underwear during the tussles. The love noises are dubbed in, over unmoving or unsynced lips. And the mambo soundtrack makes everything seem as if it's taking place at a bullfight or a Herb Alpert concert.

Anyhow, the girls--who live in Reno--are planning a heist-- During Mardi Gras! That's right, I bet you never knew Reno had an annual Mardi Gras, and a "French Quarter" as well. But they do in this universe, even though all the exterior shots are plainly shot in New Orleans. Reno seems to have been chosen as "Sin City" because New Orleans wasn't bawdy enough!

Having outlined the heist, the girls go out on the town, to a club that features an energetic but awkward topless dancer. One gal picks up a stranger, but our protagonist decides to go home with a local cop she knows!

In due course, the fabled heist is committed--off camera and past tense! One cop chases the fleeing Rita and a pal through the Mardi Gras parade and into one of New Orleans' famous above-ground, crypt-filled cemeteries. Rita eludes him by darting into a crypt, but gets locked in. She freaks out--despite having plenty of air and light and a gun in her hand with which to shoot off the lock--and commits suicide, and the closing credits roll.

You may now pick your jaws up off the ground.

George Putnam, RIP

TV newscaster George Putnam has died. Read his LOS ANGELES TIMES obituary here.

Putnam was frequently cited as the inspiration for the Ted Baxter character on THE MARY TYLER MOORE show.

Make your own judgment based on the videos below.

One Touch of Homer Makes the Whole World Kin

In this NEW YORK TIMES article from today, scientists reveal their latest findings about which brain cells are excited during the recall of memories, and how closely memory tallies with literally re-enacting the events. And they use a tantalizing example:

After briefly distracting the patients, the researchers then asked them to think about the clips for a minute and to report “what comes to mind.” The patients remembered almost all of the clips. And when they recalled a specific one — say, a clip of Homer Simpson — the same cells that had been active during the Homer clip reignited. In fact, the cells became active a second or two before people were conscious of the memory, which signaled to researchers the memory to come.

Why is Homer Simpson singled out as the test case? Obviously because the human brain has specific neurons that emulate or actually induce and compel Homer-Simpson-style behavior.

And there in a nutshell you have the whole basis for ninety-nine percent of the contents of WEIRD UNIVERSE.

Follies of the Mad Men #14

Yes, we believe our clients are dumber than a sack of troll dolls, and are not afraid to insult them to their faces.

This illustration, by the way, comes from the great Abner Dean.

All original content in posts is Copyright © 2008 by the author of the post, either Alex Boese ("Alex"), Paul Di Filippo ("Paul"), or Chuck Shepherd ("Chuck"). All rights reserved. The banner illustration at the top of this page is Copyright © 2008 by Rick Altergott.