Trailer till Lurid Tales: The Castle Queen från rstvideos trailerarkiv.
1.0 out of 5 stars
Cromwellian Trollops On Parade, July 16, 2004
By Robert I. Hedges
I have one word to describe this movie. That word is "awful."
This is an almost unbearable drama about a college student transported via a time travel headband in an arcade to the days of Oliver Cromwell's England. I watched it because it sounded amusing, but the reality is that it smells like a wet dog. The three main plot points are essentially time travel, Cromwell's England, and animal husbandry (of sorts.) The student is played by the fetid Shannon Dow Smith (yes, he's the hero) who teaches the ladies of Dorset to run a castle full of illicit trade amongst the Puritans. Needless to say there are bad costumes, really bad English accents (The movie was filmed in Romania, and most of the smaller parts were played by Romanians who learned their lines phonetically!), and incredibly moronic plot twists.
Technically the movie is quite poor. Lots of camera jitter can be seen on occasion. At least once the sound and film were not in sync, resulting in people speaking with no words being heard. My biggest overall complaints, though, were the music and the editing. The editing was so choppy, that it was actually offensive to watch; frequently scenes were stuck in where they made absolutely no sense, and only serve to confuse the already muddled plot. The music is "smooth jazz" type piano music that is about 100 decibels louder than the rest of the soundtrack, so have your thumb on the volume control on the remote. As a final affront to the audience, the cast is listed in the credits, but the character names are not, meaning you have no clue who was who, except in the extremely unlikely event that you had heard of any of these actors before.
There are very few highlights to discuss. They are Betsy Lynn George and the girl who played the waitress near the college in the frame shots. Betsy Lynn George is beautiful, and is probably the only actress in the film with actual thespian talent. She is better known for her superior starring role in "Petticoat Planet" which I recommend only in preference to this film (marginally). I am unsure who the waitress is (thanks to the credits) but believe it is Christi Harris, although I am not positive of that. Whoever she is, she is also decent in her role and is very attractive. Beyond this minor praise, the rest of the film is a mess.
I can't imagine any reason I would ever watch this again unless threatened with grievous bodily harm. Shame on you David LeCoteau for directing this piece of drek (under pseudonym "Ellen Cabot"), and shame on you Vlad and Oana Paunescu for producing something so artistically and morally bankrupt.
Synopsis
They are Satyrs, men endowed with legendary carnal knowledge who demand total and complete control with their sexual prowess.
A Night Of Bliss
Emma anxiously awaits her husband's return home to Tuscany on Calling night. She hopes that the night-long copulation will draw them closer together for she questions whether they truly love one another. But when Carlo arrives, injured in battle and unable to perform, she learns she must mate instead with Dominic, a lusty, royal Satyr. It is a night of hedonistic passion that leaves her wanting much, much more.
A Moment Of Rapture
Like other Satyr lords, Vincent is driven to mate from dusk to dawn every Calling night. But as a bachelor, Vincent must conjure a female from the mist who will satisfy his sexual needs. While his brothers summon a different partner with each full moon, Vincent calls upon the same one time after time. He wants her to experience the same erotic pleasure he feels and one night she does-the magic is real.
Biography
A museum junkie with a fascination for Greco-Roman artifacts, art historian Elizabeth Amber was inspired to write the Lords of Satyr series by her studies in ancient urns, frescoes, and amphorae decorated with lusting satyrs, maenads, and Bacchus (or Dionysus) celebrating the annual grape harvest. Elizabeth lives in North Carolina with two cats and a husband.
Category: Ineptness, Crudity, Talentlessness, Kitsch, and Bad Art, Movies, Fantasy, 1990's, Time-travel