Name That List, #6
What is this a list of? (The answer is in extended, and on the comments page.)- A live, shaved, declawed gerbil
- a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup
- an ax handle
- a 9-inch zucchini
- a 14-inch vibrator with two D-cell batteries
- a plastic spatula
- a 9-1/2 inch water bottle
- a Coke bottle
- a 3-1/2 inch Japanese float ball
- an 11-inch carrot
- an antenna rod
- a 150-watt light bulb
- a screwdriver
- four rubber balls
- 72 jewelers’ saws
- a paperweight
- an apple
- an onion
- a plastic toothbrush package
- a frozen pig’s tail
- a 10-inch length of broomstick
- an 18-inch umbrella handle
- a banana encased in a condom
- two Vaseline jars
- a whisky bottle with a cord attached
- a teacup
- an oil can
- a 6-inch by 5-inch tool box weighing 22 ounces
- a 6-inch stone weighing two pounds
- a baby powder can
- a test tube
- a ballpoint pen
- a peanut butter jar
- a flashlight
- a turnip
- a pair of eyeglasses
- a hard-boiled egg
- several tumblers and glasses
- a file
- a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink
- a Carbonundum grindstone with handle
- concrete and a ping-pong ball.
The list comes (via Jenny) from the work of our very own Chuck Shepherd, specifically News of the Weird (1988) and The Concrete Enema and Other News of the Weird Classics (1996).
"Medical researchers, tabulating cases in which items were recovered from the rectums of patients, reported 700 items from 200 patients…" In the case of the 72 jewelers’ saws, these were all from one patient, 29 at one time. In the case of the frozen pig’s tail, it got stuck when it thawed.
Update: Chuck would like to note that, subsequent to writing News of the Weird in 1988 with two other guys, he's realized that the gerbil story is apocryphal.
Comments
Listed in chronological order. Newest comments at the end.
Listed in chronological order. Newest comments at the end.
O. M. G.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 11/10 at 07:14 AM
I was mentally checking off the things on that list I have in my house as I went down, started to get a bit scary.
Hey Max - bottle of Mrs. Butterworths? LMAO
Hey Max - bottle of Mrs. Butterworths? LMAO
Posted by Jules in Connecticut on 11/10 at 07:34 AM
a whisky bottle with a cord attached - I have to presume the cord was so it could be pulled out...so who's idea was it to stick it so far up there the cord dissapeared?
Posted by Jules in Connecticut on 11/10 at 07:42 AM
My first guess was stuff found in George Michaels' closet.
There are some pretty scary items on here. Although, it would be funny when people ask if you have something ridiculous, to be able to pull it out of your ass but I'm not willing to go that far for a joke.
Jules - That's not exactly the use I had in mind for pancake syrup. LOL
There are some pretty scary items on here. Although, it would be funny when people ask if you have something ridiculous, to be able to pull it out of your ass but I'm not willing to go that far for a joke.
Jules - That's not exactly the use I had in mind for pancake syrup. LOL
Posted by Madd Maxx on 11/10 at 07:52 AM
The list reminds me of the old game show, "Let's Make a Deal".
Posted by Robby on 11/10 at 08:18 AM
a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup?
Maxx, You've done this before, huh?
Maxx, You've done this before, huh?
Posted by avmayes614 in the wt"F"-State on 11/10 at 08:34 AM
a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink
I pray it was unused.
I pray it was unused.
Posted by kingmonkey in Athens, Ontario on 11/10 at 08:55 AM
A peanut butter jar?!?!? OWWWWWW :(
The eyeglasses one got me too. What were they trying to read in there?
The eyeglasses one got me too. What were they trying to read in there?
Posted by Ryan in Philly on 11/10 at 09:12 AM
I guessed right about 1/2 way down the list! Now, if the gerbil would have been wrapped in duct tape THAT would have been kinky!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 11/10 at 09:21 AM
a plastic spatula? you gotta have a way to flip the pancakes
Posted by avmayes614 in the wt"F"-State on 11/10 at 09:32 AM
@Ryan:
Don't forget the 2 jars of Vaseline and 6" x 5" toolbox(?!).
I'm not sure if I'm more concerned about the why or the how.
Don't forget the 2 jars of Vaseline and 6" x 5" toolbox(?!).
I'm not sure if I'm more concerned about the why or the how.
Posted by Dark_Lord_Prime in Indiana on 11/10 at 09:42 AM
avmayes - The pancake syrup is to poured over the ass, not shoved into it. 
Posted by Madd Maxx on 11/10 at 09:54 AM
Maxx - at first thats what I was thinking. But Hey, I live in the "F"-state...."F" is for Freaky, ya never know, anything is possible.
Posted by avmayes614 in the wt"F"-State on 11/10 at 10:17 AM
Whatever happened to just putting a good ol' fashioned penis in the ass? This list makes baby Jesus sad.
Posted by Ryan in Philly on 11/10 at 10:17 AM
So Ryan, you're not concerned with big Jesus. You are so going to hell. 
Also, did the 72 jeweler's saws seemed OK?
Concrete! Was that before being mixed, premixed but still wet, or hardened? I guess if it's an enema than it's still wet.
Also, did the 72 jeweler's saws seemed OK?Concrete! Was that before being mixed, premixed but still wet, or hardened? I guess if it's an enema than it's still wet.
Posted by Madd Maxx on 11/10 at 10:30 AM
I am no closer to hell than the guy (I'm assuming) with a live, shaved, declawed gerbil in his ass. So that's something.
Posted by Ryan in Philly on 11/10 at 10:33 AM
Bear in mind that it is likely not all of these items were placed there for, ah, personal gratification. The rectum (like the vagina) is a popular venue for smuggling, because apparently a lot of smugglers think that nobody has ever thought of that before, and that cops will never think to look there. Also, sometimes things are put in there for someone *else's* gratification -- i.e. they're sometimes put there to humiliate and/or torture the recipient.
And sometimes there's no explanation. The human condition is a weird and wonderful thing, and I'm grateful for its ability to amaze and astound and also fill my lunch break when I read Weird Universe.
And sometimes there's no explanation.
The human condition is a weird and wonderful thing, and I'm grateful for its ability to amaze and astound and also fill my lunch break when I read Weird Universe.
Posted by Calli Arcale on 11/10 at 10:36 AM
I gotta say, I don't think any of the stuff on this list was being "smuggled." At least, not in the traditional sense. Turnips? Soda? Rubber balls? C'mon, you're not trying to get across any borders with that stuff in your ass.
The only one I could see being an attempted smuggling would be the file. Some guy on his way into the big house thinks he's gonna be able to saw through the bars and escape. That's not how jails are built anymore, however. Poor guy. :-(
The only one I could see being an attempted smuggling would be the file. Some guy on his way into the big house thinks he's gonna be able to saw through the bars and escape. That's not how jails are built anymore, however. Poor guy. :-(
Posted by Ryan in Philly on 11/10 at 10:41 AM
I have to agree with Ryan. The file, tool box and the jewelers saws seem like the only items being smuggled. Unless, someone was looking to have his/her pet gerbil with them in prison.
Posted by Madd Maxx on 11/10 at 10:55 AM
My wife worked for a doctor in Oakland a few years back. He regularly had patients come in with things stuck in the butt. One of the worst was a huge pepper mill, the type carried around in restaurants by waiters. For years I would laugh and my wife would shudder at the sight of huge pepper mills.
Posted by gamerjohn in Cakifornia on 11/10 at 11:04 AM
Category: Name That List