Chuck’s Weekly Cite-Seeing (April 2, 2012)
Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday
Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
April 2, 2012
(datelines from March 23 or later) (links correct as of April 2)
A gang of five incompetent ATM raiders proved at least five times more incompetent than any one them acting alone--burning the money, setting off alarms, leaving £140,000 ($261,000) behind . . .. World's Greatest Newspaper
Des Moines, Iowa:
From the Outer Frontiers of Paraphilia museum, here we have a 59-year-old man who was recently fired by the Farm Bureau because he'd "pick out the attractive females [in the office] and then on off-hours . . . go to their desk, and urinate on their chairs." Des Moines Register
To hide out from police who had caught him stealing fuel, the Lithuanian man cleverly obscured himself by lying face-down in a manure pit (but police heat sensors found him, anyway). BBC News
In one of the most fabulous highway truck spills of all time, a Brinks 18-wheeler filled only with coins overturned. Canadian Broadcasting Corp. News
More Redneck Chronicles, like the guy who beat the cottonmouth moccasin to death, then decapitated it, then decided to "play with" the head. (Good to Know: There's still venom in the teeth.) WALA-TV
The good thing about "Facebook friends" is that, unlike real friends, if you want to kill yourself, (a) FFs don't rat you out to 911, and (b) they wouldn't know which 911 to call, anyway, because they have no idea where you live. Associated Press via Los Angeles Times
Des Moines, Iowa:
The Bonobo Hope Great Ape Trust Sanctuary has developed a robot that, among other pranks, fires a water cannon, and the Sanctuary is teaching bonobos to control it with iPad apps. (Are you worried yet?) IEEE Spectrum
(Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers)
Shelley Lynn's lawsuit says McD's was responsible for her turn to prostitution 20 years ago (e.g., it should have vetted better its franchisee Keith Handley, who married her and then turned her). (Separately, McD's suffered another hot-coffee lawsuit, too.) Courthouse News Service
/// Chicago Tribune
A federal appeals court sympathized with prisoner Terrance Prude, who had various bad reactions to the county jail's delicious "Nutriloaf." Judge Posner especially winced that Prude had suffered "anal fissures"--"no fun at all" according to Posner's Wikipedia research. American Bar Association Journal
(a) Brandon Price is brilliant: He hacked into the bank account of Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen. (b) Brandon Price is less than brilliant: He got $658 cash and paid off a $278 Gamestop charge, and had his eyes on some Family Dollar items. Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Iowa City, Iowa:
Wait . . What? Hy-Vee supermarkets reneged on its announcement to stop using "pink slime"-containing hamburger meat because some customers wrote in, complaining that they wanted it. Iowa City Press-Citizen
2Good2BTrue: Venture capital and technology are ready, they say, but federal law stands in the way. Result: You won't be able to buy tacos on your phone, then have the sack dropped at your feet by unmanned drones aimed at your GPS location. (Also 2Good2BTrue? Bill Isles, 48, said he had just bought 3 Mega Millions tickets in Wichita, Kan., and mused to a pal that he had a "better chance" of being hit by lightning than winning, and then later that evening, got hit by lightning. Hospitalized but OK.) Huffington Post
West Texas farmers confessed their dirty secret: They've been wasting water by spraying their "cotton" crops even though they knew full well that the crops are so parched that they will yield nothing of value. Reason: Federal crop insurance regs require it. Texas Tribune
New reports on old News of the Weird
stories: (1) At the annual Qingming Festival, where relatives burn paper models of items in the belief that the deceased will thus be able to enjoy those items in the Next World, this year's best-seller is, of course, the paper iPad (about US$3). (2) It's spring in Dongyang, and they're busy boiling eggs in the urine of young boys (collected the same way Alan Patton
collects it). Salud! China Daily
Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]
Jesse Thomas, 55, drunk in public? Ya think? Sacramento Bee
The Smoking Gun:
DUI, narcotics possession, felony fashion decisionmaking
Thanks to Scott Huber, Craig Cryer, Cindy Hildebrand, and Gary DaSilva, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.
Listed in chronological order. Newest comments at the end.
The friend killed and decapitated it, not the "victim".
Cleanup aisle 10.
Bonobo Hope Great Ape Trust Sanctuary
Planet of the Apes meets Terminator. We're screwed.
Posted by Billy in Thun, Switzerland on 04/02/12 at 08:05 AM
Hooker: I don't think the lost wages piece is going to fly. I reckon you earn more money bay asking, "Do you want sex act #4 with that?" than you do by asking, "Do you want fries with that?"
Snake bit: The friend killed the snake with a machete. I'm not overly warm and fuzzy about homeless guys with machetes.
JD #1: Guilty. JD #2: Interesting dimples in his cheeks from where they presumably removed some piercings. Guilty anyway.
Brinks: it's not a load of pennies, it's loonies and toonies. The police say there are millions of dollars involved. They're going to bring in a magnetic crane, and scrape up the dirt to sift through elsewhere. The two guys in the armored car are in the hospital. Status: no change.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 04/02/12 at 09:05 AM
UK Gang of 5
This is what comes of stifling competition.
Des Moines, Iowa
Someone has been experimenting with that doggie gene stuff again.
"Millions of dollars"? Really? Even in Canadian that would be a lot of weight!
Alabama Snake Charmer
Sorry, Chuck, this weren't no red neck onacounta ever red neck noes snakes kilt in the daytime don't dye afore the sun goes down.
Des Moines, Iowa
And I was worried about doggie gene injections?
#1: Anything's better than flipping burgers. #2: I smell a rat? The kid had to "come back" for the coffee? Where was Granny?
The new Oh, look over there!
tactic in use to steer the masses.
Life lesson #1: NEVER, EVER CHALLENGE "WORSE".
or... When politicians are smarter than farmers. Speaking of which, did I read somewhere about a new country forming to be called NewTexZona?
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 04/02/12 at 09:36 AM
@ Expat. I was bored so I figured out what one million loonies would weigh. Each coin is 6.27 grams or 6,270 kilograms for a million.
Posted by BMN on 04/02/12 at 11:29 AM
@BMN: Thank you, I'll cherish that factoid to my dying day.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 04/02/12 at 11:35 AM
Chuck, another great week.
Taipei -- I followed your link to the article on the LA Times. So sad. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. May that poor girl rest in peace, may God release her from her karma. May God help and comfort all who are connected to this -- boyfriend, family, FB friends etc. As long as there is breath, there is hope!!!!
FYI - I read my weird news consistently, but the LA Times sproadically. Go Chuck!!
Posted by girlgeniusNYC in los angeles on 04/02/12 at 01:17 PM
It wasn't just loonies and toonies that got dumped -- another semi also overturned, dumping *candy*. Money and sweets! It's like the perfect truck spill, at least from an eight-year-old's perspective.
Posted by Calli Arcale on 04/02/12 at 02:58 PM
bank robbers- The operative word is rob here, total fail.
coworker's chairs- Ain't that a pisser?!
truck- Now that's change I can believe in!
snake- He snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.
bonobos- That would be Planet of the Bonobos Billy.
nutriloaf- More disgusting than mystery meat! Feed them properly, it is illegal to lock up an animal and not feed it.
hacker savant- They say Einstein couldn't tie his shoes.
mega millions- That is what you call cursed right there.
eggs- If you eat that urine sane. It could make you sick and then urine trouble!
Jury Duty 1- He was 'drunk in publick' huh? Looks like
Jury Duty2- He looks like a real live troll doll.
Great week as usual Chuck!
Posted by patty in Ohio, USA on 04/02/12 at 09:18 PM
Cotton farming: Old news. Happens every year. That's the result of the federal government subsidizing farming. And you want to turn the healthcare industry over to them? Why don't we all just commit suicide now and make it easier on history teachers in the future.
Posted by Pile of Pooh on 04/03/12 at 03:04 PM
The "Man bitten by dead snake" story isn't an urban legend -- it's a rural legend! In one popular variant a snake's fangs break off in a boot, and the pair of boots goes on killing people for years and years. Every time someone finds the deadly boots and puts them on the fangs scratch them and they die. Impossible, of course -- a trace of venom might be left on the fangs but it decomposes quickly when exposed to air.
The Mobile story is not so incredible -- basically it just says a homeless man and his friend told a story and the man was given anti-venom.
Posted by Cougar Allen on 04/03/12 at 06:44 PM
An earlier article on the CBC news site noted that one of the other tractor trailers was carrying candy...
Posted by s on 04/04/12 at 07:45 PM
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