Last Week in Weird (September 8, 2014)

Last Week in Weird
datelines 8/28/2014--9/5/2014
[Links, chronological, on Extended page]
Copyright 2014 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

The Aristocrats! Another co-worker hoping for a date by . . ejaculating in the lady’s coffee--always a sure way to win her heart! And an F-State flasher, waving his stuff around while in pink panties and bra . . and age 81.

At the Arizona-Mexico border, armed militia from Colorado confronted . . well, a group of conservationists studying a nighttime habitat of bats. The militia apologized.

A local San Leandro, Calif., marijuana ring was busted, with authorities all fertoutst over finding AK-47 assault rifles with orange plastic tips on the barrels to make them sorta look like toys. (Bonus: Two arrested kingpins: Mike Er and Tony Ho.)

Unclear on the Concept: Well, 10 Texas school districts did get surplus military guns ‘n’ armor, but to calm the public, everything’s locked in an armory when not used for training, and therefore if a school shooting incident occurs, the school officer can go get the heavy weapons to defend the students . . in, oh, a half-hour, 45 minutes, or so. (The median school shooting spree lasts 12 minutes.)

A Frenchman was jailed for acting like a Japanese woman--phoning and texting his ex- about their break-up a total of 21,807 times (average of 73 a day for 10 months).

Philip Hansen was charged in New Zealand with a tooth-pulling habit he seemed to have with three women he dated (using pliers during sex). (Seriously.)

The New Normal: Robert Morris University in downtown Chicago is going all-in on establishing a collegiate video game championship team, offering varsity scholarships.

For the multitudes who consult the U.S. Forest Service website before roasting marshmallows (which is n=0), the website’s blog tells you how to do so expertly and safely. Just what we need gov’t for!

For the 12th consecutive year, Japanese porn actresses have raised money for AIDS research by offering their hootage for squeezing. Pay your money, put on the latex glove, squeeze ‘em, ka-ching!

Lame: Jahanna Baez-Rodriguez, 20, got caught with an actual hand-drawn Massachusetts license plate affixed to her car. (And way-poorly hand-drawn, at that.)

Cruel and Unusual? The penalty in Colorado for texting while driving is . . you get a guardrail pole through your thigh and buttocks, and you barely avoid bleeding out.

That silly ice-bucket challenge sent a man to critical condition in Spain when he agreed to endure a fire-dousing airplane’s dropping 396 gallons of water on him from 22 ft up. And it says here that, anyway, nearly half of all people taking the challenge fail to follow through. [We First-Worlders excel at thinking up ways to make ourselves feel good!]

The Washington Times loves that federal obese-homosexual study that’s now in its 4th yr. Feds have spent nearly $3m answering the burning question of why, exactly, gay males appear so hot but lesbians, well, have less “athletic self-esteem.” Just what we need gov’t for!

Newsrangers: Shannon Russ, Steve Dunn, and Steven Lobejko, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Sep 08, 2014

Bat researchers - they should count their lucky stars that they ran into a militia group, rather than drug smugglers, gang members, or illegals.

Jahanna Baez-Rodriguez - cardboard license plates are probably OK in Mexico, but not in Mass.

NIH & LGBT obesity - your tax dollars hard at work!
Posted by RobK on 09/08/14 at 12:53 PM

Bats - Given that 'gang members' don't typically hang in the remote wilderness, 'illegals' would likely just hide so they can move on and take that job mowing your lawn, and drug smugglers would surely not want any undue attention drawn to their chosen route, I'd say about the scariest thing to encounter in the dark AZ desert would indeed be a group of rednecks just itchin' to use those $2000 assault rifles.

License - No reference in the article of Baez-Rodriguez's nationality. You do realize that Spanish is the official language of some 20 countries, and that there are numerous Americans with hispanic surnames that have been citizens going back many generations? Also, cardboard license plates are assuredly not OK in Mexico or anywhere else (thinly-veiled public racism, however, is apparently OK to some people in any country).

NIH - yeah that's a pretty dumb study, but a drop in the ocean compared to say, the $400 BILLION spent on the F-35 fighter jet that apparently can't fly at night or in bad weather, or the $7 BILLION that just 'vanished' after being shipped off to Iraq (which to be fair, is just a tiny fraction of the $2.2 TRILLION spent on that war as of last March...)
Posted by Daldude on 09/08/14 at 05:54 PM
Ejaculation: I just wanted you to taste my Love. Isn't there a song out there with the same name? Perhaps the victim will flavor his coffee with a used tampon.

LGBT fat study: The Government just loves to spend money on the useless, strange, obscured and weird. Perhaps I can get a lot of money to study the sex habits of my two spayed overweight cats.

On the Border: Why can't the militia guys stay in Colorado and chase bat researchers there. Besides they may get lonely in Arizona and do weird things with the sheep at night or have a sticky bonding session with their assault rifle.
Posted by Gator Guy on 09/08/14 at 09:07 PM
@Dalddude: Fortunately some 240+ years ago some rebels with their version of the $2000 'assault rifles'* fought for your right to have your opinion.

*The term 'assault rifle' really is a misnomer as there is no official classification of such. The liberally perceived notion that some rifles with a certain recognizable configuration are used by the military is, also, incorrect as they are NOT automatic weapons.

And, while I'm on this rant.... There are thousands and thousands of illegal aliens crossing our borders during a time of war. Just because some spineless individuals in DC refuse to recognize, it ISIS has already made their intentions knows and it may come to pass that those 'red necks' you so deride will end up being our last line of defence against those who would behead us for our beliefs.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 09/09/14 at 01:54 AM
A group of armed civilians roaming around the countryside trying to enforce the rule of law does not make for a peaceful country. I'd be a bit more understanding if they were from the area but travelling 500 miles to hunt for people without any authority to do so is against what i believe america should be about.
Posted by Fluffy Bunny Slippers on 09/09/14 at 06:37 AM
I'd agree with you 100% FBS but, the way it stands right now, NOBODY in DC is doing much about the problem and something better start happening pretty soon if it's not too late already.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 09/09/14 at 06:59 AM
Batty research: They were just lucky they didn't run across a nine-year-old girl with an Uzi.

Coffee creamer: What, he thought she wouldn't notice the difference in taste, at the very least?

Honk if you love porn: And why not? I bet they raise quite a chunk of change.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 09/09/14 at 11:25 AM
coffee- Salty coffee, eww.

pink panties- 81? If he can get around good enough to dress up let him alone! Just keep it in your panties Granny.

militia- Perhaps both becoming parents and or gun owners should require an IQ test.

texting- Guess what his first text after the accident was? OMG OW!

Ice Bucket Challenge-I jumped the shark when those a$$holes abused that autistic boy.

gay fat/skinny- Its obvious isn't it? Pussy is fattening.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 09/09/14 at 10:20 PM
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