News of the Weird 2.0 (August 19, 2013)
News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
August 19, 2013
(datelines August 10-August 17) (links correct as of August 18)
★ ★ ★ ★!
Jesse Jackson Jr. Gets 30 Months, But Nothing Added for Tackiness: He pleaded to taking $750k in campaign funds for personal use, and by “personal use,” it turns out that he needed several items of Michael Jackson memorabilia (including a guitar--who knew?), a mink cape, a Bruce Lee wall hanging, a gold Rolex, and an elk head. (By the way, if he serves all 30 months, he’s eligible for $260k in “disability” pay for Members of Congress because of his bipolar disorder.) WLS-TV (Chicago)
Because We Can, That’s Why: Someday, Yr Editor assures you, a critical mass of people will come to the realization that we have too much data for our own good, that the marginal benefit of any more data is negative. In the meantime, you might enjoy the Spreadsheets app that seeks to evaluate if you’re good at sex by measuring how loud you (and your partner) moan during the act, and your thrusts per minute. Seriously. Betabeat.com
Surely Bill Clinton Will Come Help Her: News reports from Iran say the lawfully elected Nina Slahkali Moradi, 27, has been prevented from taking a seat on the city council of Qazvin--because she is a babe (a certified wow-wee babe!). “We don’t want a catwalk model on the council,” said “a senior Qazvin official.” The Independent (London)
Out in Front of This Hoax: No, there is no pirana-related fish in waters off Denmark-Sweden that specializes in biting testicles. That was a joke by a local angler that journalists ran with. CNN
More Things to Worry About
The joke was on Oklahomans who desperately need a driver’s license to get to work, things like that. The queues are ridiculously long, so the state instituted an online appointment system. Suck-ers! Making an appointment online only gets you a place in line to make another appointment for the test itself. What to do now, the sad-sack punk’d losers asked. Officials recommended getting in line at 4 a.m.--except that some people arrive at midnight, and you have to come back the next night. KFOR-TV (Oklahoma City)
Valentino Ianetti, 63, was freed from jail in New Jersey after 3½ yrs of lockup awaiting trial for murdering his wife, who died with 47 stab wounds. The prosecutor has come to somewhat-accept Ianetti’s story, which is that she committed suicide. Star-Ledger (Newark)
Running a Little Behind: (1) Mahmood-Reza Arab was ticketed in Toronto in 2005 for parking too close to a fire hydrant. He filed his challenge in timely fashion. Thus, he goes to trial in September (2013). His case is a little extreme for the city, but not that much. (2) Christo and Sharlene Lassiter of Cincinnati are both law professors, married in 1986 and put in ten good yrs. Since then, not so much. Their divorce files now have 1,400 separate entries and stand accused of deliberate violations of court rules that law professors teach every day. And it’s not over yet. Toronto Star /// Cincinnati.com
The Aristocrats!
Extreme Furrie: Ryan Tannenholz, 28, in Boise, Id., who dressed up in several animal alter egos, was charged with multiple counts of having sex with an actual cat. OpposingViews.com
Straw, Meet Camel’s Back: A great grandmother, who works at City Hall’s Senior Citizens Service Desk, said San Diego mayor Bob Filner (who hits indiscriminately on younger women) hit on her, too. Patch.com (La Jolla, Calif.) /// ABC News [more on Filner]
Weekly Cite-Seeing
“Knitting Group Told They Can’t Meet at Local Library Because of ‘Dangerous Needles’” --- Daily Telegraph (London)
“Religious Family Abandons U.S., Gets Lost at Sea” --- Associated Press via Yahoo News
“Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-bop-bop Jailed for Drugs in Iowa” --- Journal Sentinel (Milwaukee)
“Turkish Prime Ministry Inspection Board Cites ‘Telekinesis’ as Possible Cause of Mysterious Suicides” --- Hurriyet Daily News (Ankara)
“Switzerland Opens Drive In ‘Sex Boxes’ to Make Prostitution Safer” --- Daily Telegraph (London)
Strange Old World
A Russian surgeon with somewhat of a drug problem was charged with stealing the 5g of heroin he found while cutting open a drug mule in Bogotol hospital in the Krasnoyarsk region. The Guardian (London)
In Portland, Ore., a grand jury indicted 18 people in a cockfighting ring--one of the leaders of which, Romanian national Irina Walker, 60, is reputed to be 55th in succession to Queen Elizabeth as a distant descendant of Queen Victoria. KGW-TV (Seattle) via NBC News
Customs officials in Kyrgyzstan discovered a tunnel underneath the border, being used not to smuggle undocumented workers from Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan but to smuggle grain alcohol by pipeline. (There was also one used for oil, but leading with that wouldn’t generate as many Internet page clicks.) BBC News
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
Did Ms. Terry Boyd need to hold 2 grown men hostage in her home until at least one of them agreed to schtup her? Couldn’t some man have stepped up earlier? Wausau Daily Herald
Jeez, a couple of suspects don’t appear to be taking the criminal justice system seriously, such as this guy charged with DUI and this one charged with shoplifting.
Newsrangers: Les Budden, John McGaw, Pete Randall, Gerald Sacks, and Derek Costello, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
August 19, 2013
(datelines August 10-August 17) (links correct as of August 18)
★ ★ ★ ★!
Jesse Jackson Jr. Gets 30 Months, But Nothing Added for Tackiness: He pleaded to taking $750k in campaign funds for personal use, and by “personal use,” it turns out that he needed several items of Michael Jackson memorabilia (including a guitar--who knew?), a mink cape, a Bruce Lee wall hanging, a gold Rolex, and an elk head. (By the way, if he serves all 30 months, he’s eligible for $260k in “disability” pay for Members of Congress because of his bipolar disorder.) WLS-TV (Chicago)
Because We Can, That’s Why: Someday, Yr Editor assures you, a critical mass of people will come to the realization that we have too much data for our own good, that the marginal benefit of any more data is negative. In the meantime, you might enjoy the Spreadsheets app that seeks to evaluate if you’re good at sex by measuring how loud you (and your partner) moan during the act, and your thrusts per minute. Seriously. Betabeat.com
Surely Bill Clinton Will Come Help Her: News reports from Iran say the lawfully elected Nina Slahkali Moradi, 27, has been prevented from taking a seat on the city council of Qazvin--because she is a babe (a certified wow-wee babe!). “We don’t want a catwalk model on the council,” said “a senior Qazvin official.” The Independent (London)
Out in Front of This Hoax: No, there is no pirana-related fish in waters off Denmark-Sweden that specializes in biting testicles. That was a joke by a local angler that journalists ran with. CNN
More Things to Worry About
The joke was on Oklahomans who desperately need a driver’s license to get to work, things like that. The queues are ridiculously long, so the state instituted an online appointment system. Suck-ers! Making an appointment online only gets you a place in line to make another appointment for the test itself. What to do now, the sad-sack punk’d losers asked. Officials recommended getting in line at 4 a.m.--except that some people arrive at midnight, and you have to come back the next night. KFOR-TV (Oklahoma City)
Valentino Ianetti, 63, was freed from jail in New Jersey after 3½ yrs of lockup awaiting trial for murdering his wife, who died with 47 stab wounds. The prosecutor has come to somewhat-accept Ianetti’s story, which is that she committed suicide. Star-Ledger (Newark)
Running a Little Behind: (1) Mahmood-Reza Arab was ticketed in Toronto in 2005 for parking too close to a fire hydrant. He filed his challenge in timely fashion. Thus, he goes to trial in September (2013). His case is a little extreme for the city, but not that much. (2) Christo and Sharlene Lassiter of Cincinnati are both law professors, married in 1986 and put in ten good yrs. Since then, not so much. Their divorce files now have 1,400 separate entries and stand accused of deliberate violations of court rules that law professors teach every day. And it’s not over yet. Toronto Star /// Cincinnati.com
The Aristocrats!
Extreme Furrie: Ryan Tannenholz, 28, in Boise, Id., who dressed up in several animal alter egos, was charged with multiple counts of having sex with an actual cat. OpposingViews.com
Straw, Meet Camel’s Back: A great grandmother, who works at City Hall’s Senior Citizens Service Desk, said San Diego mayor Bob Filner (who hits indiscriminately on younger women) hit on her, too. Patch.com (La Jolla, Calif.) /// ABC News [more on Filner]
Weekly Cite-Seeing
“Knitting Group Told They Can’t Meet at Local Library Because of ‘Dangerous Needles’” --- Daily Telegraph (London)
“Religious Family Abandons U.S., Gets Lost at Sea” --- Associated Press via Yahoo News
“Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-bop-bop Jailed for Drugs in Iowa” --- Journal Sentinel (Milwaukee)
“Turkish Prime Ministry Inspection Board Cites ‘Telekinesis’ as Possible Cause of Mysterious Suicides” --- Hurriyet Daily News (Ankara)
“Switzerland Opens Drive In ‘Sex Boxes’ to Make Prostitution Safer” --- Daily Telegraph (London)
Strange Old World
A Russian surgeon with somewhat of a drug problem was charged with stealing the 5g of heroin he found while cutting open a drug mule in Bogotol hospital in the Krasnoyarsk region. The Guardian (London)
In Portland, Ore., a grand jury indicted 18 people in a cockfighting ring--one of the leaders of which, Romanian national Irina Walker, 60, is reputed to be 55th in succession to Queen Elizabeth as a distant descendant of Queen Victoria. KGW-TV (Seattle) via NBC News
Customs officials in Kyrgyzstan discovered a tunnel underneath the border, being used not to smuggle undocumented workers from Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan but to smuggle grain alcohol by pipeline. (There was also one used for oil, but leading with that wouldn’t generate as many Internet page clicks.) BBC News
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
Did Ms. Terry Boyd need to hold 2 grown men hostage in her home until at least one of them agreed to schtup her? Couldn’t some man have stepped up earlier? Wausau Daily Herald
Jeez, a couple of suspects don’t appear to be taking the criminal justice system seriously, such as this guy charged with DUI and this one charged with shoplifting.
Newsrangers: Les Budden, John McGaw, Pete Randall, Gerald Sacks, and Derek Costello, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
Comments
Mrs. Walker is in line to the British throne, but, as a descendant of Victoria, she is somewhere in the couple of thousands, like most of the descendants of that most fecund of queens. Everybody with a number under 100 is either a child, grandchild or great-grandchild of Liz herself, or one of her direct cousins or something like that. Fourth cousins six times removed come much later. Lots of time has passed since Victoria (not to mention Anne) and the British royal family is, it appears, very good at procreation.
Posted by Richard Bos on 08/19/13 at 10:00 AM
Spread Sheets Seems like I remember that thrusting thing but it's been a while.
Pirana-related Fish Does one capitalize after the hyphen or not?
Okie Driver’s Licenses Calling them that just perpetuates the myth that there is no American ID Card.
Valentino Ianetti I heard the explanation and I, too, think it plausible. 46 of those 'stab wounds' were more like scratches.
Ryan Tannenholz There's a joke in there about a wild cat and a wet noodle.
Bob Filner XA XA XA XA XA XA XA XA XA XA XA
5g of Heroin Hay! It was just a tip for services rendered. Ok.. How about he took it to test it to make sure what it was?
Jury Duty Terry Boyd: Please don't tell me that schtuping means what I think it does! Euwwwwww! (Psst: old sailor saw, any port in a storm.)
The other two guys look like people after having had to wait on the illustrious TSA weenies to catch bad guys.
Pirana-related Fish Does one capitalize after the hyphen or not?
Okie Driver’s Licenses Calling them that just perpetuates the myth that there is no American ID Card.
Valentino Ianetti I heard the explanation and I, too, think it plausible. 46 of those 'stab wounds' were more like scratches.
Ryan Tannenholz There's a joke in there about a wild cat and a wet noodle.
Bob Filner XA XA XA XA XA XA XA XA XA XA XA
5g of Heroin Hay! It was just a tip for services rendered. Ok.. How about he took it to test it to make sure what it was?
Jury Duty Terry Boyd: Please don't tell me that schtuping means what I think it does! Euwwwwww! (Psst: old sailor saw, any port in a storm.)
The other two guys look like people after having had to wait on the illustrious TSA weenies to catch bad guys.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 08/19/13 at 10:29 AM
Jury Duty: I'm kinda grateful that the Wausau Daily Herald dimmed the page while telling me that it didn't appreciate me blocking its cookies. For the guys, I agree with Expat.
Princess Irina: Richard Bos has the right of it.
Dangerous needles: I can see that you wouldn't want to let knitting needles on a plane, but a li-berry?
Nina Moradi: She's certainly very beautiful, but I suspect that the real reason for ousting her is her gender and perceived uppitiness, not her beauty.
Princess Irina: Richard Bos has the right of it.
Dangerous needles: I can see that you wouldn't want to let knitting needles on a plane, but a li-berry?
Nina Moradi: She's certainly very beautiful, but I suspect that the real reason for ousting her is her gender and perceived uppitiness, not her beauty.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 08/19/13 at 11:59 AM
JJ- Just the unfair situation of too many African American men in prisons in the US.
sexual grading- OHHH cum on! Some people are just quiet during the act. That criteria is subjective and not any indication of the quality of the sex being performed.
no ball biting- Well thank goodness for that!!
OK- The DMV in hell is better than that.
Law professors- Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.
beastiality- The poor kitty! That is just terrible, I hope he goes to jail for a long time.
Dangerous Needles- And here I thought it would be because of all that
clacking.
sex boxes- That story has been here before. It may have been taking place in a different country at the time though.
surgeon- He has a bloody monkey on his back for sure.
Jury Duty- She looks happy, they must have done a good job. The other 2 just need some place to take a nap.
sexual grading- OHHH cum on! Some people are just quiet during the act. That criteria is subjective and not any indication of the quality of the sex being performed.
no ball biting- Well thank goodness for that!!
OK- The DMV in hell is better than that.
Law professors- Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.
beastiality- The poor kitty! That is just terrible, I hope he goes to jail for a long time.
Dangerous Needles- And here I thought it would be because of all that
clacking.
sex boxes- That story has been here before. It may have been taking place in a different country at the time though.
surgeon- He has a bloody monkey on his back for sure.
Jury Duty- She looks happy, they must have done a good job. The other 2 just need some place to take a nap.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 08/19/13 at 12:48 PM
DMV Was anyone else a 'Reaper' fan. I loved that one of the instances of Hell on earth was the DMV.
Swiss Drive Through Meh, old local news. I think the 20Minuten ran this a year ago.
Swiss Drive Through Meh, old local news. I think the 20Minuten ran this a year ago.
Posted by Billy on 08/19/13 at 01:14 PM
Commenting is not available in this channel entry.
Category: