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News of the Weird / Pro Edition (October 25, 2010)

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
October 25, 2010
(datelines October 16-October 23) (links correct as of October 25)

Go Forth and Profit-Maximize, Plus Brain-Dead Art and Booby-Trap Boo-boo

★ ★ ★ ★!

Prosperity Ministry: Shareholder James Solakian sued the board of directors of Bible.com, calling the URL a "goldmine" that is being underexploited, profit-wise--perhaps dragged down by that pesky business plan requiring it to be governed in accordance with Christian principles. Reuters via Yahoo News

He Manned Up: The pension benefits case for Alan Finch, 43, has been further tied up, in an Australian court. He says he's no longer employable because of a bad judgment in 1988, to wit, going under the knife to become a woman. That surgery was a bitch, but it was the 1996 do-over, back to "Alan," that he now says ruined his work ethic. Sydney Morning Herald

Fine Points of UAE Law: The chief justice of the highest court in United Arab Emirates dithered over the domestic-abuse case before reaching a statesmanlike compromise: True, in Sharia the husband has the "duty" to "discipline" his wife, even by force, but from now on, no beating that leaves bruises or other physical marks. TheNational.ae

Fine Points of Nebraska Law: Sheriff candidate Donnie Brennan, 57, is in lockup in Cass County, charged with voting where he doesn't legally live and for not disclosing his residence on his candidate filing form. (Actually, he is a legal Cass County resident, but his brand-new wife unfortunately had him listed as co-owner of her old residence in Iowa.) According to this report, Brennan's "crimes" could earn him, umm, 30 years in prison. KPTM-TV (Omaha)

Poor-Taste Art: In Tel Aviv, sculptor Noam Braslavsky debuted his life-size model of Israeli mega-hero Ariel Sharon addressing troops as a decorated army general conducting hard-line negotiations with Yassir Arafat lying comatose in his hospital bed, where he's been for nearly five years. Independent Television News (London)

And Still More Things To Worry About

Jason Carlsen, 25 and a paraplegic, filed a lawsuit in Redding, Calif., against the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry and two of its members because, two years ago when Jason fell off a 200-foot cliff, and only the two ministry students were able to reach him, they proceeded to pray over him "for hours" before calling for help. (Bethel teaches its students to embrace their power.) Redding Record Searchlight

Bad: New York City's Middle School for Art and Philosophy doesn't issue textbooks for pupils. Worse: Principal Andrew Buck agrees with the policy. Worst: He sends out a ridiculous, 50-error explanatory e-mail to parents. New York Daily News

Things are so bad south of the border that at the 15th International Clown Convention in Mexico City, when the 700 attendees set out to break the world record for number of them laughing continuously, they could giggle for only 15 minutes, falling five minutes short. WTTG-TV (Washington, D.C.)

Who's that driver motoring down the San Gabriel, Calif., street at 25 mph, dragging that woman along, half-in the window, legs dangling out? Oh, never mind. It's just the mayor. Los Angeles Times

Minds in the Gutter: (1) World-class U.S. sprinter LaShawn Merritt, after being caught on a doping test powering himself up with over-the-counter penis-enlargement pills: "[This matter] is extremely difficult to wrap my hands around." (2) "I'll meet you under the penis." (The 12-foot-tall biblical Adam, by Botero, in the Time Warner Center mall in midtown New York City is a traditional meet-up point for lunch.) (Bonus: It's a "maintenance" issue for the mall, in that passersby can't keep their hands off the you-know-what.) The Globe and Mail (Toronto) /// New York Times

Losers

Mr. Donald Zakrzewski, 42, his pockets stuffed with jewelry, being chased at night from a home burglary by police, scaled a fence and dashed through the grounds of a quarry . . but failed to see that oncoming "cliff," and is no longer with us. St. Louis Post-Dispatch

Fired Groveland, Mass., cop Aaron Yeo was not off somewhere sleeping on the job, his lawyer said. The reason he failed to call in his locations was because he was in radio silence, watching for terrorists. WHDH-TV (Boston)

No, the Other Door: A 55-year-old woman fell out of a speeding motor home on Interstate 10 near Defuniak Springs, Fla., after pushing through the wrong door to get to the restroom. Northwest Florida Daily News

Rookie Mistakes: (1) While jailers searched his cell for contraband at the Green County lockup in Paragould, Ark., the inmate breezed past them and locked the guards in. (He didn't get far, but, still . . ..) (2) Two men, robbing the Waffle Shop in Akron, Ohio, herded everyone into the back and confiscated cell phones to prevent callouts. Then they put phones and the now-moneyless wallets into a sack, which they were going to graciously leave in a supply room. As both robbers dropped off the bag, hostages locked them in. (Bonus: According to the hostages, the men banged on the door and "demanded" to be let out.) Associated Press via MSNBC /// Akron Beacon Journal

In Levis, Quebec, a 75-year-old man is no longer with us after failing to remember that he had rigged a shotgun to a trip wire, to protect his home. Toronto Star

The Pervo-American Community

Chutzpah: Ralph Landers, 43, Denver, Colo., got 16½ years in prison for trying to buy child pornography . . with a stolen credit card . . while in possession of a well-stocked molester's toolbox. Denver Post

Update: Big-shot Canadian Air Force colonel Russell Williams (a mega-perv) was convicted of murdering two of his molestees [mentioned in NOTW Pro, 5-3-2010] and sentenced to life without parole (oh, he can apply in 2035). New York Times /// Daily Mail (London) [scroll down for a fetching shot of the comely Col. Williams in his finest Victoria's Secret]

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


Bryon Hearron, Wausau, Wis., caught lying in bed naked with the 9-year-old girl, explained that he was merely providing the humanitarian service of training the girl to be wary of men who desire to lie in bed naked with her. WSAU Radio

Melissa Urban, 43, said she thought the car she was stealing was just her boyfriend's, but police said it wasn't. Metrowest Daily News (Framingham, Mass.)

Marian [a man, though he spells like a girl] Wegiel is a guy you might not want living on your block . . if you own a horse. Greenwich Time

Below The Fold

No Longer Weird: (1) "Iranian Thief Sentenced to Have Hand Amputated" (2) "She died 10 months ago, and I didn't know what to do" (partial solution: baking soda) (Bonus: drove around with her in the back seat!). (3) "Officer, some lowlife stole my car . . while I was out, y'know, burglarizing those condos." (4) "Officer, can I get a ride?" (Cop: "Are you carrying contraband?") "Yeah . . um, wait . . no." (5) They still don't make toilet-proof cell phones, so it's doubly embarrassing if you get your arm stuck going in after one. (Bonus: video) BBC News /// Associated Press via San Francisco Chronicle /// Associated Press via Yahoo News /// San Francisco Chronicle /// Independent Television News (London)

A Maryland man failed to respect roadside telephone poles when he leaned out a truck's window to wave to friends. He's no longer with us. Washington Post

One Cluttered Trunk: A police search of the car turned up the 29 grams of marijuana that Mark Fiasco, of Bradenton, Fla. ["Fiasco"? Heh-heh-heh], had just bought, but cops also dug out a bong that Mark thought had gone missing for seven years, ever since his roommate stole it. Glad to get it back, he said, umm, that is--. Bradenton Herald

An Albuquerque kindergarten mother clashed with another over what was the proper drive-thru zone to drop off her little buttercup in. Finally, it deteriorated into a little "KMA" here, and a "FO" there, until the original screamer bent over, pulled 'em down, and pointed the brown eye at the other. Said the other's daughter, "Gross, Mommy. What is she doing?" KRQE-TV (Albuquerque) via KXAN-TV (Austin, Tex.)

Editor's Notes

The De-Evolution of Journalism (continued): OK, websites abound with tacky photos of dogs outfitted in gaudy "Halloween" costumes. And OK, it's good that we humans are sensitive to whether dogs "feel" "shame" over something like that. However. The one-time-esteemed Houston Chronicle, (a) calls "animal psychics" "experts" and (b) pays even the slightest bit of attention to their analyses of dogs' "feelings." Correct Answer: The dogs' only "feeling" is, possibly, annoyance if the costume limits mobility (answer supplied by a veterinary professor but only way down in paragraph 18). (Bonus: a veterinary professor named Bonnie Beaver!) Houston Chronicle

Newsrangers: Kathryn Wood, Mike Pritt, Les Fields, Brett Denney, Steve Dunn, Jim Rehmann, Gerald Thomason, Peter Hine, Sean Murphy, Chris Campbell, Joey Warren, Scott Johnston, and Perry Levin, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors

Posted By: Chuck | Date: Mon Oct 25, 2010 | Number of Comments: 13
Category:
More weirdness from the WU archive:
Comments
Listed in chronological order. Newest comments at the end.
Bible.com: How's he feel about Rev. Creflo A. Dollar?

"Alan": I think he, she, it may have a case for unemployable by reason of insanity. Lots of do-over jokes here.

Cass County Sheriff: Nice to see the system locking up illegals.

We don't knead text books: Arts and Philosophy. I can understand artists thinking they don't need to read or write, but I'd have thought philosophists would have at least needed to know all the big words. Hmmm. Arts + Philosophy = Pharts. That may explain some of this.

Mayoral runoff: Anything that starts with going to a restaurant at one in the morning can't end well.

Jury Duty 1: Guilty of being a waste of oxygen. Nice touch with the devil-horn eyebrows. Bonus: Mom knew about it, and was living with her kids and not one, but *two* sex offenders.

Jury Duty 2: Anyone having that much fun in a mugshot needs a tox screen. Who in the heck still leaves their keys in the car???

Jury Duty 3: Eww. Lock him up with the pedophiles from the Jury #1.

Alba quirky: Nice to know that mothers are always careful about language and behavior around kindergartners. Gold Star for the inadvertent slapdown by the "Ew gross" kid.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 10/25/10 at 08:22 AM
"Arts + Philosophy = Pharts"

Or perhaps "Arsophy". smile
Posted by Dumbfounded on 10/25/10 at 08:46 AM
Alan Who paid for all that knife work? Is there a correlation to ObamaCare down there? AussieCare, SkippieCare?

Jason Carlsen Hiking without a partner is OK but believing in a higher power isn't? I rule for the religious freaks on this one.

NY Edjamakator The problem is, obviously, due to a lack of funding and a 1.27% tax hike is proposed to raise funds for schools.

Zakrzewski Would it be insensitive to mention the juxtaposition of "ski" and "cliff"?

Jury Duty
#1: Dho! Guilty
#2: 50/50 but the author of the article should he hung!
#3: Guilty - Could he really satisfy a horse?
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 10/25/10 at 09:27 AM
oh forgot, expat, what about nz? kiwicare! LOL
Posted by patty in Ohio, USA on 10/25/10 at 01:31 PM
thank you gg, very kind of you to offer support my friend.
good points mario.
Posted by patty in Ohio, USA on 10/25/10 at 03:59 PM
Mario, if you want an example of another religion coming to grips with wife-beating, don't forget about "rule of thumb".
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 10/26/10 at 09:24 AM
it sounds like one of those instances where some people did not wish to let the truth get in the way of a good story. use of this innocent phrase then gave an opening to espouse the feminist agenda.
Posted by patty in Ohio, USA on 10/26/10 at 11:23 AM
how about semicolon?
Posted by patty in Ohio, USA on 10/26/10 at 11:45 AM
Semicolon: preview of a colonoscopy!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 10/27/10 at 04:14 AM
I thought that would bowel you over.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 10/27/10 at 07:55 AM
*giggle* potty humor!
Posted by patty in Ohio, USA on 10/27/10 at 12:04 PM
i scoped it out and decided to let it pass.
Posted by patty in Ohio, USA on 10/27/10 at 01:00 PM
anus a shame?
Posted by patty in Ohio, USA on 11/24/10 at 07:18 AM
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