Pro Speech 1

Every morning I sample the previous day's offering from the 24hr news channels where one expects to find the apex of professional journalism. And, for the most part, they do a pretty good job but, from time to time, the need to fill the airways with voice out stripes the abilities of these reporters. Scripted or not the inanity of some of the statements is just too hard to ignore.

Headlines that lie like a cheap rug are also going to be mentioned as they are totally out of control and should be, in many cases, reported to the Better Business Bureau for false advertisement!

Following in the footsteps of He Who Blazed the Trail I've already retired some of the most inane verbal ejaculations of our time:
"you know what?" If I knew what then I'd not have to be listening to you!

"like": like, you know, like if you don't know, like why "like" is, like not
going to be, like, you know, actually listed here then, you know what,
you're not like paying attention.

So, you know what, here I hope to actually spearhead a section where we can hold these pros up to the light and, like, have a chuckle at their expense. Of course, this is all done in good fun and not meant to be vicious or condescending in any way, actually.

The rules are simple:
1) The speaker has to be a pro. ie: on the payroll.

2) You can use the ramblings of the interviewee if the interviewer's choice is incapable of shedding any light on the story. ie: The "suspect's" next door neighbor's second cousin's dog walker's brother.

3) Where possible the pro's name and affiliation should be given full credit but the interviewees must remain anonymous. (They didn't spend 4 years and $120,000 learning to talk.)

"Many of the same investigators were back at the theatre in July."
ABC: Clayton Sandell
Really??? You mean Aurora, CO reuses their detectives??? How energy
efficient of them.

"Gorillas, who share 97% of our DNA are soooo similar to us!"
ABC: Dan Harris
You mean except for the hair, long arms, stance, and copious amounts of
ugly?

"... the actual, alleged rape ...."
FOX: Megyn Kelly
She's actually alleged to have possibly said something like this, maybe.

(When highlining) "you need a good sense of balance too!"
DW News: Louise Houghton
Highlining is slack-rope walking across mountain peaks so, yea, balance
would come in handy.

Lottery Winner Murdered: Widow Questioned By Police
ABC: Catchy headline but no where in the clip was murder mentioned

Sleep-Drug Dose Lowered in Effort to Curb Drowsiness Dangers
ABC: If you don't want to sleep, why'd you take a sleep-drug?
Lisa Stark then takes the drug, gets into a driving simulator, and falls
(wait for it......) ASLEEP! Seriously powerful reporting!

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