Chuck’s Weekly Cite-Seeing (April 23, 2012)

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
April 23, 2012
(datelines from April 13 or later) (links correct as of April 23)

San Diego, Calif: Prof. Vilayanur Ramachandran, who runs the Center for Brain and Cognition at UC San Diego, came up with 30-some people who claim to be periodic gender-shifters, e.g., breasts today, gone tomorrow, same with penises. It’s just a hypothesis, he said. Scientific American

Canterbury, England: University of Kent researcher Sarah Johns, who apparently couldn’t think of anything else to research, tells us definitively that men prefer pink, not red female genitalia. (Bonus: Also, kindly be aware that caterpillars of the large white butterfly prefer to vomit when they’re alone, as opposed to within their protective group. Good to know.) Live Science via Yahoo News /// Science Daily

Shizuoka, Japan: Police officer Tetsuya Ichikawa, 50, was arrested for coming up behind a 25-yr-old woman in a restaurant and licking her hair. “I wanted to lick so I did.” Agence France-Presse via Herald Sun (Melbourne)

Washington, D.C.: Our long national nightmare is over is not over. The FCC now wants the U.S. Supreme Court to re-, re-, re-view the Janet Jackson Nipple ruling. MSNBC

Melbourne, Australia: The Federal Court ruled that a woman on a business trip, though off-duty in a motel room having wall-banging sex, still gets worker compensation if she's injured by a fixture falling off the banged wall. (Bonus: A U.S. appeals court paved the way for a New York City widow to collect on her husband's accident insurance, even though the man had intentionally applied the electric shock to his genitals for sexual excitement.) Sydney Morning Herald /// New York Post

Englewood, Colo.: Update on the MIT physics-lab researcher who yearned for sex with a mother’s two underage daughters [Chuck's Cite-Seeing, 4-9-2012]: He’s dead. A bedsheet hanging in lockup. KMGH-TV (Denver)

Potomac, Md.: CVS drugstore supervisor Fenton Graham was arrested as the inside man in two CVS robberies. The first clue police had was on the surveillance video of the second job, when his two pals pulled the stick-up but then forgot to take the loot with them, leaving it up to Graham to take it out to their car. Awkward. Washington Post

Paktika province, Afghanistan: A mid-level Taliban commander turned himself in at a police checkpoint. In apparent dead-seriousness, he said he had seen his face on a “wanted” poster, with a $100 reward, and now he wants his money. Washington Post

Bloomington, Ind.: Charged with felony battery at Kilroy’s Sports Bar . . Ms. Fellony Silas, 30 [ed. there with her sister Fellatia, no, I made that up] The Smoking Gun

Washington, D.C.: The U.S. Supreme Court awarded death-row resident Albert Holland Jr. a new trial, even though he's arguably insane, because as insane as he might be, wrote Mr. Justice Breyer, he understands death-row-appeal time limits better than his actual lawyers (one of whom, by the way, he came to be locked up with). New York Times

Chicago: Threatening e-mails were allegedly sent by Emanuel Kuvakos, 56, to some area pro sports executives. Among them, the former general manager of the Chicago Cubs was accused of "stealing [Kuvakos's] ideas to win championships." Chicago Cubs? Awkward. Chicago Tribune

Birmingham, Ala.: The state alcoholic beverage regulators refused to allow the sales of beer named Dirty Bastard (even though the state allows Fat Bastard wine). (To understand, you have to be there.) Associated Press via

Santa Fe, N.Mex.: Veteran, cherubic-faced police Sgt. (now ex-Sgt.) Mike Eiskant, 41, ought to have been on the force long enough to know when his dashboard camera/mic is "on" and thus that he oughtn't be audibly "enjoying himself" in the front seat while viewing porn on his cellphone. via Reuters

The Aristocrats!: (1) Kelly James, 48, Salisbury, Md., says he has been routinely pooping in other people's yards for 20 yrs (but, hey, he wipes himself!). (2) William Rhode III, Newark, N.J., finally admitted during police questioning that he indeed does get sexual gratification from peeing on himself in public. (3) Vengeful Joseph Pointer, 51, Lakeland, Fla., venting to a former paramour after stealing her urn: “I’ve got your dead daughter’s ashes, and I’m going to snort them.” Daily Times (Salisbury) /// Star-Ledger (Newark) /// The Ledger (Lakeland)

Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

West Monroe, La.: The lovely Kimberly King, 50, assigned to babysit her great grandkids, had to employ a fifth of Jim Beam to get through the ordeal. The News Star (Monroe, La.)

Fashion Mayhem, from The Smoking Gun: Arrested for failure to register a motor vehicle, and trafficking in stolen property, and drug possession.

Editor's Notes: For your viewing displeasure, a couple of photos of the most tattooed man in Britain (on his 69-yr-old body). And, remember the Belgian teenager whose story went viral three yrs ago when she got 56 face tattoos? She says she now regrets it. /// World's Greatest Newspaper

Thanks to Gerald Sacks, Mike Mendenhall, Douglas Wilson, Dan Bohlen, and Bruce Strickland, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Apr 23, 2012

pink- In human tissue pink=healthy red=infection so duh.

FCC- The government agency best at beating a dead horse.

Aussie worker's comp- I envision a new Fosters commercial here!

physicist- A criminal with shame, uncommon today.

CVS- I didn't know they delivered!

Fallatia- Don't discount the possibility that this name exists, after there are girls named Clymidia out there.

ash snorter- That is terrible and disgusting.

Jim Beam- Shoulda gave some to the kids, they have to look at her.

Jury Duty 2- Looks like a chubby Justin Bieber.

JD4- I guess he looks a bit less badass on a scooter than he did on a motorcycle.

Star struck- If she leaves her hair down its not that bad looking. Some mistakes you just have to live with. Now there's a life lesson for ya.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 04/23/12 at 09:17 AM
UCSD Prof I'm'a thinkin' the prof has been spending too much time around an unlit Bunsen burner.

Puking Caterpillars Try your best to be polite and, sure enough, someone's going to figure you for a weirdo.

F.C.C. Just one more gubment agency run amuck. Maybe they're jealous of the GAO and just want attention.

Worker's Comp Just some more unions run amuck. (Had to teach my computer "amuck" and needed to test it out."

CVS Stickup I always enjoy the service at CVS over that of Walgreens.

Taliban Ransom Allahu akbar!

Bamma Booze Board Please explain to some of those idiots down there that BASTARD is a perfectly legitimate word.

N.Mexico Porn Cop The reporter worked a year to get the tapes then listened to 12 hours of them. Such dedication!

Jury Duty
Kimberly King Undecided, we need more info on the kids.
Registered Vehicle The Colonel is ALIVE!
The Thief Should have stolen a better rug!
Druggie :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 04/23/12 at 09:55 AM
Nip slip: I wonder how much of that half-million dollar fine they've burned up in legal fees?

Pedo physicist: Probably his best option.

CVS: Constant Video Surveillance. If he's that incompetent, I'm glad he's not dispensing meds.

Taliban: Fine with me. I wish more of his colleagues would do that.

Coiffure JD: #1: Not that I actually want to know, but how does he eat? #2: What's so weird? My nephew has the same hair. #3: Oh, no, I'm not a drug dealer, nosirree. I look perfectly normal...
Great granny: OK, so it's possible to be a great-granny at 50, but who really believes she's only 50? *shudder*
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 04/23/12 at 09:59 AM
Chuck, LOVE this week!
Many items made me laugh out loud.
Had to show up for work at 5:30AM, thanks for making the morning a lot more entertaining!
Posted by girlgeniusNYC on 04/23/12 at 10:14 AM
A 50-year-old great-grandmother undoubtedly means three consecutive generations of teenage mothers. I bet was probably wasn't the first appearance of Jim Beam in that family tree.
Posted by Robert on 04/23/12 at 11:50 AM
I disagree with Patty. Red stains on a bandage means no infection! For field medicine.
Posted by BMN on 04/23/12 at 06:05 PM
Tissues not drainage BMN.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 04/23/12 at 08:11 PM
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