Chuck’s Weekly Cite-Seeing (April 30, 2012)

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
April 30, 2012
(datelines from April 20 or later) (links correct as of April 30)

Mudgeeraba, Australia: The parents of a 13-yr-old girl sued everyone remotely involved after the little buttercup got hit in the eye by a bad shot during a phys.ed. tennis game. (Bonus: Schools in the area have already banned the ultra-dangerous "doing cartwheels" and "rover, red rover.") Courier-Mail (Brisbane)

Cairo, Egypt: It's maybe true that one of the two Islamist reforms recently proposed for parliamentary action explicitly extended a surviving spouse's conjugal privileges for six months after the other's death, but in defense, the clerics pointed out that it applies to surviving wives, too [ed.: insert joke about rigor mortis] Al-Arabiya

New York: The Morgan Stanley Quantitative and Derivative Strategies group released stats showing that "real" money accounts only for 16 percent of stock market trades. The other 84 percent is robo-traded by algorithm. Washington's Blog

Beavercreek, Ohio: Robert Strank, 39, intending to rob the Huntington Bank, suffered an unknown medical condition as he approached the counter and asked that a teller call 911 for him. Then he decided to present his holdup note, after all. WDTN-TV (Dayton)

Dull, Scotland: A resident on holiday in the town of Boring, Ore. (pop. 12,000), came home with a suggestion that the two villages become sister cities. BBC News

Omulgee County, Okla.: "Meth Lab Explodes in Man's Pants, Oklahoma Police Say" The latest American technology breakthrough is the portable meth bomb, where you mix everything in a soda bottle and hope the pressure doesn't blow up your house, car, etc. Associated Press via

Pearland, Tex.: Ms. Mahogany Mason-Kelly, 20, tweeted, "I still gotta warrant in pearland . . those pigs will NEVER catch me!!! .. Never!!!" (She was arrested the next day.) ABC News

Chillicothe, Ohio: We tried to warn those mothers who pushed their little buttercups into that "Toddlers & Tiaras" competition. Police report that a screen capture from the TV show, featuring little Alaska Mathews, 9, wound up on a porn website and that they caught a man "performing a sex act" while ogling it. WBNS-TV (Columbus)

Detroit: Caught! A male federal judge sexting (well, bare chest) a bailiff. Shame, embarrassment "Hot dog, yep, that's me. I've got no shame in my game," said Circuit Court judge Wade McCree. WJBK-TV (Detroit)

Beijing: NBC News, interviewing the author of a new book on amateur English translations of Chinese restaurant dishes, found "Hand-Shredded Ass Meat," "Strange Flavor Noodles," "Blow-Up Flatfish with No Result," and "Donkey Made by Woman with Freckles." MSNBC

Muncie, Ind.: Apparently, she is Earth Day's biggest fan. Andrea Ginther, 44, was arrested on that sacred day for punching a woman in the face for littering. The Star Press (Muncie)

West Islip, N.Y.: In news from the inner rings of Hell, Debbie Stevens is suing ex-boss Jackie Brucia for firing her right after Stevens had donated a kidney to Brucia. (According to Stevens, Brucia thought Stevens should have recuperated faster from the ordeal and come back to work sooner.) New York Post

Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Longmont, Colo.: Did Bruce Cook, 60, rob the Mile High Bank on Oct. 20th? Longmont Times-Call

Cincinnati: Did William Ferris, 29, abuse 911 again? Ripped off by a prostitute again? The Smoking Gun

Bergholz, Ohio: Y'all remember that Amish breakaway group that attacked their tormentors by cutting their hair (and led by a guy named Mullet) [NOTW M238, 10-30-2011]? Here are four lovely ladies of the group, recently indicted. The Smoking Gun

And then there's this guy, from The Smoking Gun's weekly mugshots.

Roseville, Calif.: The mugshot is nondescript. The question raised here is how a jury can ever find a man Not Guilty when, somewhere along the line, he chose to change his name to Obiwan Kenobi? KXTV (Sacramento)

Editor's Note: The week's best story wasn't exactly news, but you need to know just who are all those Alien Abductees?

Thanks to Reid Stacey, Reta Burnett, and Berny Morson, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Apr 30, 2012

Mudgeeraba, Australia You can't fix stupid but we better start proving that adage wrong.

Cairo, Egypt Allah Akbar!

New York Shave and a haircut, two bits!

Beavercreek, Ohio Typical right-winger; too much work ethic!

Omulgee County, Okla. Sounds exciting!

Pearland, Tex. Learned her Tweeting in college, so she did!

Chillicothe, Ohio What, pray tell, does one expect when they dangle there little darlin' out there in an age inappropriate environment? Anyhow, what was Mom doing surfing porn sites?

West Islip, N.Y. No good deed goes unpunished but this is ridiculous!

Jury Duty
#1: Guilty! Where was he planning on putting his other stash?
#2: See why he had to pay for it, twice!
#3: And these 4 aren't from Kentucky, right?
#4: Q: What's a red-neck use for dental floss? A: 1/4 inch rope!
#5: Hang-em high for a heretic!

Alien Abductees Ah.. no offence but most of these look like they should be happy that anybody anything would probe them.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 04/30/12 at 09:35 AM
Cairo Six months I hope you mean six hours, or six days at worst six months has got to be a typo please say that it is a typo PLEASE This is a Muslim nation where the body should be buried within 24 hours of death.
Posted by Tony Erie Pa USA on 04/30/12 at 11:58 AM
Cairo Necrophilia Bill: It appears this story really belongs in the Museum of Hoaxes:

But we who were fooled have some distinguished company.
Posted by Phred22 on 04/30/12 at 03:36 PM
Phred22 -- posted it there this morning!
Posted by Alex on 04/30/12 at 05:06 PM
Hey, if certain factions in the U.S. can say life begins two weeks before copulation at the time of ovulation (allowing for the possibility of virgin pregnancy), why can't Egyptians say that copulation can occur after death? Maybe there is a faction there that still believes in reincarnation...
Posted by ScoutC on 04/30/12 at 10:12 PM
Damn Scout, I thought you got a new body when reincarnated! Well, just leave me out, this body doesn't work the greatest now I sure don't want to come back to it next time 'round. 😉
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 04/30/12 at 10:28 PM
Patty, if you come back to the same body you'd be ZombiePatty!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 04/30/12 at 11:10 PM
ZombiePatty the undead party girl! Whoo Hoo! :coolsmirk:
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 04/30/12 at 11:16 PM
The article read 6 hours to my eyes... Either way, who's pushing for this to come into law?
Posted by s on 05/05/12 at 02:15 PM
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