Chuck’s Weekly Cite-Seeing (January 23, 2012)

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

January 23, 2012
(datelines from January 13 or later) (links correct as of January 23)

Seattle: Michael Bertsch is nuts certain that Rupert Murdoch is stalking him. Sample evidence: In the Fox film Donnie Darko, Donnie's sister is Elizabeth, same as Michael's. The X Files go-to number is 1013; the first three, and the last four, digits of Michael's SSN total "10" and "13." And so forth. Case closed. Hollywood Reporter

Winter Haven, Fla.: He shot the laundromat's change machine four times with his semi-automatic, but the brave, stoic machine still would not give up the cash. Winter Haven News Chief

Buffalo, N.Y.: Why Does Buffalo Pay for Its Teachers to Have Plastic Surgery? Actually, even the union wants that benefit to be killed, but the way collective bargaining works, it just keeps hanging around. Last year, 500 teachers exploited it. The Atlantic

Atmore, Ala.: U.S. Supreme Court justices Scalia and Thomas, dissenting to their colleagues' sympathy for a death-row inmate whose appeal got lost in the system, renewed their deeply-held belief that, under the Constitution, "actual" innocence in the face of conviction is irrelevant--even if the actually-innocent person is facing the needle. Wall Street Journal

Meghalaya, India: Women rule, at least in inheritances; men are left to become alcoholics. Now, the ones whose testicles haven't yet been bred out are demanding equality. BBC News

Seoul: Eight smugglers were arrested for a 2010 scheme to avoid paying import taxes in Japan. Their bright idea: hide the gold in their rectums. Associated Press via Yahoo News

Hudson, Fla.: David Belniak, slam-dunk-convicted of DUI manslaughter in 2007 and serving 12 yrs, belatedly has figured out that it was the victim's fault for getting run into from behind. Lawsuit! Tampa Bay Times

Monterey, Calif.: Licensed California marine biologist Nancy Black was indicted for violating the 1972 Marine Mammal Preservation Act, i.e., taking glorious, one-of-a-kind pictures of whales feeding. Max penalty: 20 yrs in prison and a half-million dollar fine. (Your government knows best.) The Economist

Waynesboro, Va.: Pathetic (I): Keith Brown, 54, fleeing police for the second time in six weeks, crashed his car and tried to make a run for it . . and by "run," I mean scurrying as fast as his walker would take him. News Leader (Staunton, Va.)

Albuquerque: Pathetic (II): Two alleged home burglars were arrested fleeing in their getaway car . . shopping cart. KOAT-TV

San Bartolome de Pinares, Spain: Every January 16th (with roots back to the Eighth Century) villagers have ridden their horses through ceremonial street fires, to purify the animals and bring fertility and good health. A Christian priest supervises. ABC News (photos!)

Chicago: Equity Lifestyle Properties Inc. fired receptionist Sharon Smiley because she took too long on her lunch break continued to work during her lunch break (in violation of office rules). ABC News via Yahoo News

Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]: (1) Jerad Arnold, Boone, N.C. (Either buy a magazine subscription from me or do drugs or sex with me--your choice). (2) David Peters, Streetsboro, Ore. (oh, yes, child porn). (3) Roger Rouland, Waco, Tex. (oh, yes, yes, yes, child porn).

Thanks to Gerald Sacks, Kathryn Wood, Daniel Raymond, Dave Shepardson, Peter Smagorinsky, Perry Levin, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Jan 23, 2012

Man vs Machine Rule 1: Never use a gun who's caliber doesn't start with a 4 or higher!

Scalia and Thomas The 3 branches of the US government are, Executive, Legislative, and Legal! Note the distinction!

Hudson, Fla. See above!

Jury Duty I'll be kind today... Nuke'm all!!!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 01/23/12 at 09:06 AM
Coin machine: too bad it didn't ricochet.

Jury Duty: ExPat, you're a wimp. I say lock them all up together first, then nuke the survivor.

Smugglers: ah, the jokes! Gold-bricking, sh***ing bricks, I've got a million of them, folks!

Scalia & Thomas: are we *sure* neither one is from Tex-ass?
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 01/23/12 at 10:53 AM
@Scotty: I know, but I've been eating bacon & burgers & bacon burgers & pancakes w/ maple syrup for the last 3 weeks and I'm a bit punchy. 😛
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 01/23/12 at 01:46 PM
The owner of the last mug shot could play the Grinch without makeup.
Posted by Harvey on 01/23/12 at 10:30 PM
Murdoch- Just because someone is paranoid doesn't mean there's no somebody out to get them.

change machine- 'Your money or your life!' doesn't work on machines dude.

plastic surgery- Well we don't want to scare the children do we?

Scalia and Thomas- Just like it does not require actual intelligence to be on the Supreme Court.

Men's rights?- You mean to tell me there is somewhere in this big old world where MEN are second class citizens?!? Who'da thunk it?

gold- The new 007 movie 'Gold Rectum'.

Whales- See what happens when the econazis get a little power, pictures of whales get you 20 years. Murderers do not serve that kind of time in CA.

burglars- Working there way up, after all they stole the cart first.

Spain- EL PETA!!!

Jury Duty- 1 Looks like Lerch. 2 Comb your hair for picture day dude. 3 Jesus, WTF!!!!
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 01/23/12 at 11:23 PM
Chuck, a 3 course feast of weirdness is still delightful (we are not back to the 7 course standard fare, but even this shorter version is tasty and does the "chef" proud).

Where in the Constitution is "innocence" defined? If a "guilty" verdict is written in stone, then why can people appeal?? If "corporations" now have the same rights as actual people, th
en I suppose the legal double-speak will just keep getting worse.

Dumb criminal stories are awesome! Makes me wonder which flavors of "stupidity" are no longer weird (since they have become too common).

Dude, do the whales have a union or something?? How much harm can be done by photographing them?? One hopes that a marine biologist had the best of intentions and that no whales were harmed, or had their feelings hurt, or thought they looked fat on camera.

Plastic surgery for teachers in Buffalo, NY -- do the students get to vote on which teachers need it / deserve it?? Teenagers can be so cruel.

Rock on Chuck!
Posted by GirlGeniusNYC on 01/24/12 at 01:41 AM
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