News of the Weird 2.0 (July 1, 2013)

News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
July 1, 2013
(datelines June 22-June 29) (links correct as of June 30)
© 2013 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

America Needs to Have Better Diplomatic Relations with the Pentagon: While y’all are being distracted by U.S. cowboys tracking Edward Snowden, the Special Inspector Gen’l for Afghanistan Reconstruction has been trying to get through to you that the Pentagon has decided to spend $772,000,000 to buy helicopters for Afghan airmen that Afghan airmen don’t yet know how to fly or repair--and to buy them from Russia, from the very same Russian company that is now supplying arms to Syria’s Assad. You’d think Congress would’ve put the kibosh on this, and they did, in the 2013 appropriations bill, but the Pentagon is so committed to the deal that they scrounged the money from 2012's. CBS News

That you don’t believe in God is no reason not to go to church because church brings other pleasures, such as choral singing, camaraderie, and a chance to express belief in some thing, or some pasta, greater than yourself. Said “Pastor” Jerry DeWitt after delivering a brilliant “sermon” to the gathering of 80 atheists in Lake Charles, La., “Oh, it’s going to be so hard to not say, ‘Can I get an amen?’” Overweight and depressed software designer (and atheist) Sigfried Gold of Takoma Park, Md., credits a “rigorous prayer routine” for his new-found improvements. New York Times /// Washington Post

A Rare Magic Moment: Federal contractor Braulio Castillo, called before Congress investigating questionable IRS contracts, had the misfortune of its being U.S. Rep. Tammy Duckworth’s committee, and she pretty much took her allotted time to dog Castillo mercilessly for having claimed a “war” injury to cut in line for contracts (and get a “30%” disability check from the VA). It was a football injury (but while in military prep school, so--), but he told Duckworth his leg hurts so bad sometimes. Duckworth lost both legs in Iraq but has only a “20%” disability. Oooooh, she messed with him good. CBS News

More Things to Worry About

Bird-watchers flocked to the Scottish Isles of Harris to see the rare, rare (last UK sighting, 1991) White-throated Needletail (the world’s fastest flying bird), but as they gathered, there it was . . flying directly into a wind turbine. It is no more. Shuffled off this mortal coil. Joined the bleeding choir invisible. Now an ex-White-throated Needletail. Daily Telegraph

Swingers’ clubs sometimes rent out bars and hotels for their private parties, but this one in Melbourne, Ozzie, apparently needing to make sex fun, rented out a children’s play center, and the weekday parents found out. Especially of interest: the giant pit of balls that their kids love to jump into. Ewwwww! Herald Sun (Melbourne)

There’s “road rage,” and then there’s this guy. German police say they have apprehended the object of a 5-yr manhunt--the guy who shoots at cars (but doesn’t hit people). He’s a 57-yr-old trucker who figures he’s needed to fire off 762 rounds over the yrs at stupid drivers. [ed.: Don’t try to tell me you’d never . . ..] NPR

It’s now official. The extremely unlucky Joel Tenenbaum is on the hook for $675,000 for being ahead of the Internet music-download curve. Way back when, the record industry convinced Congress to set the tab at up to $150k for each copyright violation (file-sharing site download), and Tenenbaum faced ‘em down. They nailed him for 30 songs he posted on Kazaa, and a jury dutifully charged him $22.5k per, and his appeals have now been exhausted. U-S-A! U-S-A!)

The Aristocrats!

Men Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours: (1) Gerard Streator, 47, pleaded to a misdemeanor in Waukesha, Wis., for humping, naked, a discarded couch in public (cf., “Hey, buddy, somebody stole your girl!”). (2) In Ostersund, Sweden, a man was caught on surveillance camera rubbing one out against a bicycle seat while holding a photograph. The Smoking Gun /// The Local (Stockholm)

A 64-yr-old man in Geelong, Australia, was arrested after pathetically carjacking a woman. (Before he could drive off, he had to put his walker in the car, along with several bags of his stuff, and cops got there before he was done.) Geelong Advertiser

Weekly Cite-Seeing

John Wayne Bobbitt Says Penis Severing Improved Love Life --- Huffington Post

Pork-Laced Bullets Designed to Send Muslims Straight ‘to Hell’ --- Washington Post

SUV Hits Westside Home; Driver Lands on Couch --- WJXT-TV (Jacksonville, Fla.)

Royal Mail Takes Action Over ‘Aggressive Raspberries’ at Shropshire Home --- Shropshire (England) Star

Strange Old World

Just in time to rescue last week’s failed Breatharian (Navenna Shine of Seattle [NOTW 2.0, 6-24-2013]) comes Kirby de Lanerolle of Sri Lanka, who claims he’s working on 5 yrs’ sobriety (no food). OK, he might have cheated, he says, but only “7 times” in 5 yrs, and besides, his stomach was so messed up from his fast that he only pecked at food in those 7. Unlike Shine, of course, there were no cameras on him 24-7. National Geographic /// The Sun (London)

It’s apparently not only not an urban legend, now it’s even a problem for the Japanese Air Force, which punished two airmen for buttplay with a pressure hose. One was hospitalized at Komatsu Air Base in Ishikawa prefecture.

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

If you insist on evidence-evidence, Michael Dorman, 35, doesn’t look so good, with his primary defense to manslaughter apparently being a confession to attempted necrophilia. Better just to go to the mugshot. WRAL-TV (Raleigh, N.C.)

Brandon Haddon, 24, appears pretty confident, considering he’s charged with attacking a police station and pepper-spraying every officer he ran into. KRTV (Great Falls, Mont.)

Perhaps Roger McBride, 37, has the most solid defense yet for this section of News of the Weird. Who would believe he was so overcome with horniness as to take on Jennifer Harvey in a public park? Not guilty! (And that’s even with 25 cops on the scene!)

Newsrangers: Gerald Sacks and Pete Randall the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Jul 01, 2013

The ball pit? Are those people crazy? You have any idea what kids do in those things? Nasty! Hope those swingers took a good long shower afterwards.
Posted by Jim on 07/01/13 at 08:29 AM
$772,000,000 So that's where the money for my Obama-Phone went! 😠

Amen! Pastor Jerry should go study up on just what "amen" means and (just a hint here) it ain't got diddly to do with and God, god, gods, goddess, goddesses, or The Great Pumpkin.

IRS The ancient organization that caused the downfall the old government of the United States of America making way for the current government of the Democratic States of America." From the Universal Encyclopedia 2016

Needletail Unable to dodge slow moving targets this swift wasn't.

Swingers’ Club of Oz Well, what else would one be found doing in a 'ball pit'?

Joel Tenenbaum Then would you call $1 a tune 'reverse rip-off'?

Couch Rape I was ready to scoff at this loser till I saw 😛 that yellow couch. {droooooool}

Cycle Seat Job Yo! Dude! They're only for sniffing!

64yo Car Jacker Old age is a bitch!

Japanese Butt Play You'd think they'd've been blown up enough during WWII to last a few more generations at least! (Too soon?)

Jury Duty Nuke'm all. Especially #3 he needs serious relief.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 07/01/13 at 10:53 AM
JD #3: Y'all probably have a better bicycle joke than I do, so have at it.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 07/01/13 at 04:02 PM
pentagon- You just can not give some people money.

church- What do all you athiest Wuvians think about the idea??

football vs war wound- Good job, he deserved every bit of it.

bird- Natural selection at work, the bird was dumb enough to fly into it.

ball pit- Those are filthy, no one should go in them.

music fines- That is so ridiculous. No common sense involved in that decision.

Car jacker- gotta know when its time to retire.

breatharians- These people are charlatans and phonies.

pressure hose- God that is just horrible.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 07/01/13 at 10:37 PM
"My son is one he puts balls in his mouth and everything, god knows what STDs could be in there."
--Sarah Perry, mother of a kid who frequents the play center. That's some unfortunate wording right there!
Posted by venomlash on 07/02/13 at 01:20 PM
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