News of the Weird 2.0 (July 8, 2013)
News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
July 8, 2013
(datelines June 29-July 6) (links correct as of July 7)
© 2013 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
★ ★ ★ ★!
Good for Dutch researcher Dr. Marcel Waldinger. He found a woman who had orgasm after orgasm emanating from her foot. (He should know stuff like this; he’s a “professor in sexual psychopharmacology” at Utrecht University.) (Spoiler Alert: While she was in a coma once, a foot nerve and a vagina nerve got crossed up.) KHOU-TV (citing Journal of Sexual Medicine)
Sunbathing . . or dressing up for a bank robbery? The tradition continues on the summer beach at Qingdao, China: middle-aged ladies wearing wool caps that cover their entire heads (except eye, mouth, and nose holes). That’s because the ladies still refuse to allow themselves the sun-tanned look of the laboring class. Quartz (qz.com)
Poor Vocational Choice: “[David Fleischer] is a good boy, but he is learning,” said Dad, who runs the family tree-trimming business. Cardinal Rule: Trim from the top, work your way down. David got it wrong, and firefighters had to come pluck him from the top branch. Awkward. New York Post
“Jury Nullification”: In San Diego, a jury acquitted vandal Jeff Olson of vandalism. Seemed like a slam dunk for the prosecutor: Olson never denied writing the anti-bank slogans on the sidewalks, and the judge ruled out any free-speech-type defense. Turns out that the jury didn’t need no stinkin’ law to decide this case. Los Angeles Times
More Things to Worry About
“Foul play was not suspected [unless . . .] . . ..” I mean, come on! A gardener finds $150k; the police keep it the required time to see if “the owner” claims it; meanwhile, three people associated with the case die. Do the math! Chicago Tribune
Fine Points of the Law (Nerd Alert!): an actual, living, thriving legal prosecution involving a Constitutional violation . . of the Third Amendment! (Do you actually know what the Third Amendment covers? You do? Nerrrrrrrd!) Courthouse News Service
Feel-Good News: Mama was tired of the backyard firecrackers on July 4th and started lobbing flaming dirty diapers at the teenage perps. There were no injuries, reported the Rock City Times, but “[S]everal [perps] did have large amounts of child fecal matter on their faces.” Rock City Times (Arkansas ethernet)
News for Our Less Mature Readers: (1) Police called to a home on reports of a woman screaming, punctuated by “repeated loud noises,” which turned out to be the woman’s boyfriend repeatedly doing turbo farts. (2) Police in Sydney, Australia, investigated complaints about a photo exhibit at the 107 Projects Gallery by photog Philip Werner, “101 Vagina.” WWJ-TV (Detroit) /// Au.Artshub.com
People Different From Us: If someone took a shot at you or me on our front porch on Friday night, winging us, we probably wouldn’t be out on that same porch the next morning. A 42-yr-old man in Antioch, Calif., is different. At 9:30 a.m., someone shot him in the head, killing him. SFGate.com
The Aristocrats!
The Fark.com commenter had it right: What is more embarrassing: Stealing an artificial vagina from an adult toy store or being ethical and buying an artificial vagina from an adult toy store? Grand Forks Herald (Grand Forks, N.D.)
Major Crimes: (1) Fist fight and vehicle-bumping over whether you can save seats in church. (2) Fist fight between lawyers as to whether the light should be left on in the hallway. KSL-TV (Salt Lake City) /// Naples Daily News (Paywall!)
Weekly Cite-Seeing
Shocking Video Shows Doctor Punching Patient in Head and Chest as He Lies Strapped to Bed --- The Independent (London)
Officers Find Panting Dog, Sweatpants-Wearing Pig in Hot, Poop-Filled Car --- Seattle Police Department Blotter
Rapper Ordered to Attend Etiquette Classes --- Philadelphia Inquirer
Strange Old World
Most paid breast-feeding in China is done strictly as business, as workarounds for the benefit of urchins born to milk-barren mothers. But hey, a renminbi is a renminbi, and if grown men need a little direct nourishment from time to time . . .. Agence France-Presse via Fox News
Well, Sure: DUI laws in Venice, Italy, should cover gondoliers, too. World’s Greatest Newspaper
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
From The Smoking Gun’s weekly roundup, week before last: Severe Challenge for the Defense Attorney /// And Another /// The New 5-Pronged Hairstyle
Newsrangers: Kelly Smith and Peter Smagorinsky and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
July 8, 2013
(datelines June 29-July 6) (links correct as of July 7)
© 2013 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
★ ★ ★ ★!
Good for Dutch researcher Dr. Marcel Waldinger. He found a woman who had orgasm after orgasm emanating from her foot. (He should know stuff like this; he’s a “professor in sexual psychopharmacology” at Utrecht University.) (Spoiler Alert: While she was in a coma once, a foot nerve and a vagina nerve got crossed up.) KHOU-TV (citing Journal of Sexual Medicine)
Sunbathing . . or dressing up for a bank robbery? The tradition continues on the summer beach at Qingdao, China: middle-aged ladies wearing wool caps that cover their entire heads (except eye, mouth, and nose holes). That’s because the ladies still refuse to allow themselves the sun-tanned look of the laboring class. Quartz (qz.com)
Poor Vocational Choice: “[David Fleischer] is a good boy, but he is learning,” said Dad, who runs the family tree-trimming business. Cardinal Rule: Trim from the top, work your way down. David got it wrong, and firefighters had to come pluck him from the top branch. Awkward. New York Post
“Jury Nullification”: In San Diego, a jury acquitted vandal Jeff Olson of vandalism. Seemed like a slam dunk for the prosecutor: Olson never denied writing the anti-bank slogans on the sidewalks, and the judge ruled out any free-speech-type defense. Turns out that the jury didn’t need no stinkin’ law to decide this case. Los Angeles Times
More Things to Worry About
“Foul play was not suspected [unless . . .] . . ..” I mean, come on! A gardener finds $150k; the police keep it the required time to see if “the owner” claims it; meanwhile, three people associated with the case die. Do the math! Chicago Tribune
Fine Points of the Law (Nerd Alert!): an actual, living, thriving legal prosecution involving a Constitutional violation . . of the Third Amendment! (Do you actually know what the Third Amendment covers? You do? Nerrrrrrrd!) Courthouse News Service
Feel-Good News: Mama was tired of the backyard firecrackers on July 4th and started lobbing flaming dirty diapers at the teenage perps. There were no injuries, reported the Rock City Times, but “[S]everal [perps] did have large amounts of child fecal matter on their faces.” Rock City Times (Arkansas ethernet)
News for Our Less Mature Readers: (1) Police called to a home on reports of a woman screaming, punctuated by “repeated loud noises,” which turned out to be the woman’s boyfriend repeatedly doing turbo farts. (2) Police in Sydney, Australia, investigated complaints about a photo exhibit at the 107 Projects Gallery by photog Philip Werner, “101 Vagina.” WWJ-TV (Detroit) /// Au.Artshub.com
People Different From Us: If someone took a shot at you or me on our front porch on Friday night, winging us, we probably wouldn’t be out on that same porch the next morning. A 42-yr-old man in Antioch, Calif., is different. At 9:30 a.m., someone shot him in the head, killing him. SFGate.com
The Aristocrats!
The Fark.com commenter had it right: What is more embarrassing: Stealing an artificial vagina from an adult toy store or being ethical and buying an artificial vagina from an adult toy store? Grand Forks Herald (Grand Forks, N.D.)
Major Crimes: (1) Fist fight and vehicle-bumping over whether you can save seats in church. (2) Fist fight between lawyers as to whether the light should be left on in the hallway. KSL-TV (Salt Lake City) /// Naples Daily News (Paywall!)
Weekly Cite-Seeing
Shocking Video Shows Doctor Punching Patient in Head and Chest as He Lies Strapped to Bed --- The Independent (London)
Officers Find Panting Dog, Sweatpants-Wearing Pig in Hot, Poop-Filled Car --- Seattle Police Department Blotter
Rapper Ordered to Attend Etiquette Classes --- Philadelphia Inquirer
Strange Old World
Most paid breast-feeding in China is done strictly as business, as workarounds for the benefit of urchins born to milk-barren mothers. But hey, a renminbi is a renminbi, and if grown men need a little direct nourishment from time to time . . .. Agence France-Presse via Fox News
Well, Sure: DUI laws in Venice, Italy, should cover gondoliers, too. World’s Greatest Newspaper
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
From The Smoking Gun’s weekly roundup, week before last: Severe Challenge for the Defense Attorney /// And Another /// The New 5-Pronged Hairstyle
Newsrangers: Kelly Smith and Peter Smagorinsky and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
Comments
So they were sh!t faced... & then were shit faced. I like it.
Posted by BMN on 07/08/13 at 07:37 AM
Jeff Olson was arrested for writing anti-bank slogans, on a public sidewalk, in chalk. This isn't vandalism: rain will wash it away. Protesting a big-welfare TARP recipient got him arrested, a jury trial got him justice. That's why we have juries.
Posted by Angie unduplicated on 07/08/13 at 09:00 AM
Pedeogasam For ever fedisher there's a fedisette. Nature's Balance.
Chinese Sunbathers Well, looks like they've progressed to about the 18th century.
Tree Trimmer He's a good boy. I'm thinking box o' rocks.
Jury Nullification How long has it been now were judges think they make the law?
$150K Only 3 dead? In Chicago that doesn't even make the news. They, obviously, need more gun control.
3rd Amendment They've pretty well disregarded the others so why not this one?
42yo Dead Guy A Darwin winner? Runner up? Ah.. come-on Honorable mention, at least.
Sightseeing
Dr. Punchovick - Social Medicine
Critters in a Car - I'm supposed to believe it's hot at 9PM in Seattle?
Rapper - Waste of time.
Jury Duty #1 Why does he remind me of a TV character from way-back-when? #2 Harry Henderson #3: Buckwheat.
Chinese Sunbathers Well, looks like they've progressed to about the 18th century.
Tree Trimmer He's a good boy. I'm thinking box o' rocks.
Jury Nullification How long has it been now were judges think they make the law?
$150K Only 3 dead? In Chicago that doesn't even make the news. They, obviously, need more gun control.
3rd Amendment They've pretty well disregarded the others so why not this one?
42yo Dead Guy A Darwin winner? Runner up? Ah.. come-on Honorable mention, at least.
Sightseeing
Dr. Punchovick - Social Medicine
Critters in a Car - I'm supposed to believe it's hot at 9PM in Seattle?
Rapper - Waste of time.
Jury Duty #1 Why does he remind me of a TV character from way-back-when? #2 Harry Henderson #3: Buckwheat.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 07/08/13 at 10:51 AM
Chuck, I'm shocked and appalled that you published the Rock City Times piece about the diaper hurler as if it were real. It's an Onion-like parody, with headlines like "Jesus Makes Surprise Early Return Visit to Punch Mike Huckabee in the Face."
Posted by ges on 07/08/13 at 11:37 AM
footgasms- Lucky bitch!
wool- wet wool ick!
tree trimmer- As in dumb as a...
vandalism- Chalk it up to the truth hurts. Good job jury!
turbo farts- Was it a dutch oven?!
porch- Gee he shoulda put on a helmet.
car & animals- I think people who do that to animal should have to sit in the closed car for the same amount of time.
China- They are as weird as Japan.
wool- wet wool ick!
tree trimmer- As in dumb as a...
vandalism- Chalk it up to the truth hurts. Good job jury!
turbo farts- Was it a dutch oven?!
porch- Gee he shoulda put on a helmet.
car & animals- I think people who do that to animal should have to sit in the closed car for the same amount of time.
China- They are as weird as Japan.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 07/08/13 at 10:26 PM
HAPPY FEET!? :lol:
Posted by Tyrusguy on 07/11/13 at 01:55 PM
'HAPPY FEET' !!!! Ilove it TY!! :lol: :lol:
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 08/20/13 at 10:58 AM
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