News of the Weird 2.0 (June 24, 2013)

News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 24, 2013
(datelines June 15-June 22) (links correct as of June 23)
© 2013 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Houston, Tex., pastor Ira Hilliard doubled down on his prosperity gospel (New Light Church), asking parishioners for $52 each to fix one of his two aircraft and promising in return that he’d try real hard to get God to give each donor a new car within a year. (Bonus: These donors are allowed to vote in federal, state, and local elections, and their votes count as much as yours. U-S-A! U-S-A!)

A city council member in the British seaside town of Whitby, interviewed in a recent documentary, confessed to cheating on his wife with an extraterrestrial named Cat Queen and fathering a child with her. He fancies himself as, Yr Editor guesses, an Edward Snowden-type. “”There are plenty of people in my position who don’t choose to come out and say it because they are terrified it will destroy their careers.” U-K! U-K! Northern Echo (Darlington, England) via Fox News

“Pain Is Temporary, Pride Is Forever”: Maine’s Bangor Daily News, covering a local scandal with a long, deep, Pulitzer-type attempt at analysis, discovered that high school wrestling squads everywhere haze their members. And the preferred ritual, apparently, involves insertion of objects where the sun don’t shine. And it’s all on the up-and-up, they feel, because none of the objects (pencils, etc.) is the you-know-what. The lo-o-o-ong story’s takeaway: Hazing culture is so hard to break. Bangor Daily News

More Things to Worry About

As if American Muslims didn’t have enough to worry about, the FBI uncovered a plot by an industrial mechanic for Gen’l Electric in upstate New York to build a death ray (“radiation particle weapon”) for Jews and/or the Ku Klux Klan to use against Muslims and “other enemies” of America. He got as far as building a remote triggering system. Times Union (Albany)

Marc Moskowitz, 66, a customer at a Bally’s in New York City, filed a lawsuit after he broke his shoulder slipping, he said, on all the happy endings that go on regularly in the shower area of the club. Bally’s used to monitor the area, he said; now, it’s just party time. New York Daily News

What smells worse--much worse, apparently--than the traditional fertilizer anyone detects motoring through Texas farm country? Well, new-fangled fertilizer, apparently, and from humans--so effective growing things that there’s a 3-5-yr wait by farms wanting to be customers. KHOU-TV (Houston)

The Aristocrats!

Johnathan Harty, 31, being a good dad, taking his daughters, age 6 and 4, out to buy toys. However: It was 11:30 p.m., he was high on meth, wearing no pants but a woman’s blouse and prosthetic breasts, with a full bottle of urine on the floor. He wasn’t profiled; he crashed the car. KOMO-TV (Seattle)

Mr. Milo Manu Felix Wild, 22, exists on this earth (in Darwin, Australia) solely to party. He says so. Most recently, he was on probation for stripping naked, knocking down portable toilets, and peeing into his hands so he could fling it at cops. Now he has begged the judge to please send him to jail instead the probation-plus-publessness order. New York Daily News

Shaun Orris, 41, of Waukesha, Wis., was really, really upset and wanted everyone--everyone in town--to know that indeed he has a constitutional right to schtup goats.

Weekly Cite-Seeing

World’s Largest Doomsday Shelter to Open in Kansas --- CNN via KSHB-TV (Kansas City)

Mother, Son Accused of Stealing Gopher Feet --- Rochester (Minn.) Post Bulletin

Woman Dressed as a Vagina Stops Attack on Man Dressed as a Penis --- Western Morning News (Leicester, England)

Strange Old World

Rioters (aka “parents”) in Zhongxiang, China, trapped as many as 54 exam monitors in a school and stoned them for having cracked down on their cheating sons and daughters who showed up with cheat sheets, transmitters, call phone apps, and so forth. “Unfair!" they protested. Everyone in China cheats on these tests, and it’s damned unfair that you pick on our buttercups. Daily Telegraph (London)

People With Way Too Much Money: Two companies are competing to offer the most expensive vacations they can to pets, with one package retailing for £47k ($72.5k). One company will build a doghouse as a replica of the owner’s actual house--which will totally confuse better accustom the dog during the vacation. Daily Telegraph (London)

A Chinese culture website has discovered “anti-pervert” stockings for women. They’re ordinary stockings but fuzzed up with leg hair. Huffington Post


Wesley Warren, Jr. (elephantiasis o’ da scrotum) [Weirdnuz M283, 9-9-2012], finally had the surgery so he wouldn’t have to lug around his 140-lb. stones, but it left him with nothing to show for it, lengthwise. The Sun (London)

Breatharian Naveena Shine [NOTW2.0, 6-10-2013] called it off after Day 45, down 33 lbs. living on sun, water, and tea, because she didn’t want to be a bad example for others (and also because she’s broke). Seattle Times

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

Jeffrey Jones, 56, of Sacramento was accused of chucking a spear at a passing car, which is kinda far-fetched, so, hey, we’ll need a little bit of evidence here! Sacramento Bee

Newsrangers: Kathryn Wood, Steve Clancy, Bruce Leiserowitz, Jim Sharp, John McGaw, James Hoban, and Randy Refsland, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Jun 24, 2013

$52- These guys, and their followers for that matter, have been around forever.(think James and Tammy Faye Baker)

hazing- Pencils! They could perforate the bowel with something like that. Very dangerous and stupid thing to do.

death ray- So there are crazies on both sides, we knew that.

showers- 1)the water would rinse it away 2)shower room floors are slippery with water anyway 3)watch where you step idiot your ow carelessness does not eqal a big payday. I fell on the ice in a bally parking lot once (25yrs ago)and never even mentioned it to them. It was icy but that happens, this is Ohio. Hit my head pretty hard but I shook it off and went home.

human fertilizer- I'd have thought tis would be a bio-hazzard, but I guess not.

gopher feet- Thought of that kids song, 'Great green globs of greasy grimey gopher feet...'

dressed as vagina- What the... oh, in England, ok.

stoned- Well I guess the Chinese love their children just a disfunctionally as the rest of the world.

pets- Not every rich old lady is religious, some just love their pets, excessively.

hairy stockings- That is pretty funny!

balls- Wait, why would they do anything to his penis, the growth was in his scrotum. Setting up for the lawsuit I guess.

breatharian- Doesn't she mean, 'called it off...because she didn't -want to starve to death-.'
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 06/25/13 at 12:12 PM
Only in the Gopher State would someone steal gopher feet!
Posted by MNIcelady on 06/27/13 at 02:12 PM
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