News of the Weird 2.0 (May 13, 2013)

News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 13, 2013
(datelines May 4-May 11) (links correct as of May 12)
© 2013 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★! reports that a Brazilian cancer-awareness association is currently emphasizing the testicular variety and adopted as its mascot (perhaps because Lance Armstrong is no longer viable?) “Mr. Balls,” “a friendly snowman in the shape of a [huge pair],” with buck-teeth, a bowl haircut, and exaggerated hair follicle pores. Seriously.

Speaking of male peril, inventor Jeremiah Raber of High Ridge, Mo., has produced “Armored Nutshellz,” underwear that supposedly (i.e., he said, with straight face) seriously reduces cojon-al injuries caused by shrapnel, or even by being directly shot by a 9mm or a .22. Police, private security, and athletes are already buying the Kevlar-layered skivvies at $125 per. The deal here is imagining Raber testing it. It’s easy to see if a prototype would fail, but at some point Raber said, “Damn--this thing works!” What was that test like? KSDK-TV (St. Louis)

Ah, Diversity! Perhaps Yr Editor needs a little more grounding in Buddhism, but so would a lot of Marylanders who were befuddled on Tuesday when their governor introduced the Dalai Lama at a U of M speech by, umm, rubbing noses with him on stage. Washington Post

More Things to Worry About

Federal Special-Ed Law. All of us agree that special-needs students must be treated with sensitivity, but . . .. A 13-yr-old special-needs boy at a Houston-area school raped a 4-yr-old--twice. He pleaded to felony assault, was sentenced to 2 yrs’ probation, and is back in his school--panicking his classmates and their parents. He’d ordinarily be relegated to an “alternative” school, but federal law says if the student’s “disability” contributed to his crime, he can only be kept in alternative education for 45 days before being returned. KHOU-TV (Houston)

The ultra-progressive Bay Area Rapid Transit serving San Francisco area is finally cracking down on unpleasant riders, announcing it will issue banishment orders (hard to enforce, but still--) to people committing on-site criminal offenses. (Yes, until now, you could mug another rider and still take BART to your sentencing.) “Smaller” infractions, though, are treated leniently, e.g., every rider gets two public poops before the third movement gets him banned. SF Weekly
The Goodrich Capital 8 movieplex in Jefferson City, Mo., could think of no better promotion last week for the opening of the latest “Iron Man” than to hire a fella to walk through the theater in full tactical gear and carrying a (fake) M4 rifle and 9mm sidearm. Seriously. KMIZ-TV (Columbia, Mo.)

Battle for Irony of the Week: (3) You already know the head of the Air Force’s sexual-assault-prevention office was arrested for groping. (2) How about the Great Falls, Mont., decision to discard-by-crushing all its leftover scratch-and-sniff cards designed to alert residents to what natural gas smells like so they can report leaks . . with the crushing releasing all the fumes at once and sending a giant waft ball through town, scaring people? (1) Still, Yr Editor chooses the revelation last week that Harford County (Md.) Public Schools’ “behavioral specialist,” Stephanie Mikles, who was hired in 2009, had been indicted in 2008 (they now realize) for having “sexual intercourse with a dog.” New York Times /// Great Falls Tribune /// WMAR-TV (Baltimore)

The Aristocrats!

John Jacobson, 20, was arrested in Portland, Ore., charged with snatching a case of beer off of a beer truck. He was booked into jail, where it was discovered that he was carrying a live mouse in his pocket. (He had his mom come to the jail and retrieve the mouse.) KGW-TV (Portland) via KTVB (Boise, Id.)

Weekly Cite-Seeing

Pinellas Park Man Attacked by Alligator While Trying to Flee Traffic Stop --- Tampa Bay Times

Worshipers Pray to Egg Plant that Looks Like a Hindu God --- [headline in UK read “aubergine” instead of egg plant]

Police: Mom of Teen Shot by Friend Turns to WebMD, Instead of Hospital, for Help --- KHOU-TV

Sucking Your Child’s Pacifier Clean May Help Ward Off Allergies, a Study Finds --- New York Times

Iowa Sex Offenders Issued Gun Permits --- USA Today

Strange Old World

Barranquilla, Colombia: Convicted gang member Giovanni Rebolledo did all the could to disguise himself after he escaped from prison with a 60-yr stretch hanging over his head. He was recognized recently in a routine traffic stop--somehow--even though he had become “Rosalinda” with brand-new breast implants (and you’d fall for ‘em). Colombia Reports

Two Japanese tech companies have combined to make robots to detect smelly feet and stinky breath, and, Yr Editor guesses, to make a world news splash, they decided to house the latter one in a model female head and the former a dog that either growls or passes out if the smell is too gross. The woman’s head’s worst response: “[T]here’s an emergency taking place that’s beyond the limit of my patience.” BBC News

Can’t Possibly Be True: Ms. Hang Mioku at age 26 was a very pretty woman (to all except Hang Mioku, who thought she needed repeat plastic surgery). When Japanese doctors finally cut her off, she went DIY with her own silicone (and later, cooking oil!). After finally turning it around, she has had 10 corrective surgeries and advanced to the level where she only sickens most of the people who glance at her. Remember Joyce Wildenstein--a raving beauty, in comparison! World’s Greatest Newspaper [Not Safe For Stomachs] /// Google Image Gallery (Joyce Wildenstein)

Hang Miou didn’t even make the list (which the UK’s Stylist last week dropped on us) of the 10 Weirdest Beauty Treatments, only 1 of which Yr Editor recalls having covered. Never mentioned: the sheep placenta hand-softening, the bull semen hair-conditioning, or the bird-poop facials. (Wait! You can get some of these in America!)

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

Kristin Suggs, 24, called police to report anonymous vandalism to her car but after an investigation wound up being charged with leaving the scene of a fatal traffic collision (and hit-and-run charges are likely). Perhaps it’s all a misunderstanding. (Phoenix)

Newsrangers: Dave Ryan, Michael Harris, Candy Clouston, and Sandy Pearlman (and a special shout-out to the hardest-working man in weird news--the fabulous Kev of Nothing To Do With Arbroath), and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon May 13, 2013

Rosalinda will be quite popular when he goes back to prison.
Posted by BMN on 05/13/13 at 08:08 AM
Mr. Balls This campaign is just nutz!

Nutshellz I don't think this is going to effect The Darwin Awards at all.

MD Governor Hay, Chuck, you left off this paragon of foreign diplomacy's name; it's O’Malley!

Special-Ed Law Mama said, "If you ain't got anything nice to say then don't say anything."

BART Reminds me of a poem; Bart, Bart let a phart and blew himself apart. Please don't confuse my use of "phart" with the esteemed animal rights group P.H.A.R.T.

Jefferson City, Mo. That didn't seem to phase many right-thinking Missourians. (Listen to the clip.)

Behavioral Specialist So now enjoying one's specialty is a bad thing?

Mouse in Pocket The dude's been reading too many books.

Gator Bait This idea could help relieve over crowding in Florida's prisons.

Barranquilla, Colombia Serious case of over hooteritis.

Spa Treatments I've done the fish pedicure twice now and it works! (They completely ate the little toe off my left foot but that was a small price just to be able to say I stuck my toe into this unique procedure.)

Jury Duty Guilty! You can also charge the idiot that gave her a licence!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 05/13/13 at 10:18 AM
Mouse - 20 some odd years ago in my high school there was a short lived fad of pet mice, carried around in cigar tins, so yeah, seems plausable. And also they were usually dyed with food coloring...
Posted by Kirk Schobert on 05/13/13 at 05:33 PM
Colombia: "Following his extreme make-over, the suspect reportedly was involved to some degree in prostitution in the area." BMN's right, Rosalinda will be *very* popular.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 05/15/13 at 06:10 AM
Wow, that japanese lady looks scary alright. I seen a video of her a few years ago (I think it was her) and it was only half as bad at that point. I feel so sorry for her though. She already used oil injections back then already. Ouch!
Posted by Susan Bird on 05/16/13 at 02:36 PM
Mr.Balls- That is one scary mascot!

nutz- Hey any protection these guys can get is a good thing.

Dalai Lama- The Dalai Lama is an eskimo!?!

movieplex- Wow, genius move there. Wonder how long it took the for powers that be to fire the idea guy.

behavior specialist- And I guess we know what her specialty was now don't we?

alligator- The heck with K-9 units, how about G8r units!

warding off allergies- For the child or the parent??

Rosalinda- Shoulda known he'd get caught, what a boob!

smelly feet and breath- Why oh why do we need robots to detect smelly feet and smelly breath? If you can smell it you know about it and if you can't then it ain't bothering you anyway.

Hang Mioku- How sad. She was lovely and her obsession ruined her life. I wonder where the man that encouraged her to get plastic surgery in the first place is now.

Expat, they say diseases are getting passed by those foot nibbling fish, so I would not recomend it.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 05/16/13 at 10:50 PM
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