News of the Weird / Pro Edition (March 14, 2011)

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
March 14, 2011
(datelines March 5-March 12) (links correct as of March 14)

From Yr Editor

Pro Edition's quality is in part dependent on the inspirational quality of the news (up or down) each week. There are weeks in which "the news" crushes even the most cynical people. You may notice that here from time to time.

Things To Worry About This Week

Live Free Lucky or Die: Martin Hardy, 91, newly elected state representative from Barrington, N.H., right away balked at all that taxpayer money going to mental health treatment. "[T]he world is being inherited [sic] by too many defective people" ["drug addicts, mentally ill, the retarded"]. "I believe if we had a Siberia, we should send them to this, and they would all freeze and die, and we will be rid of them." Foster's Daily Democrat (Dover, N.H.)

Comfy fabric seats are supposed to increase mass-transit ridership, but a San Francisco State University biologist examined local transit trains' seats. She tends to use the word "fecal" a lot. In the future? Psst! "Plastic"! New York Times

"Lady, in our courthouse, we don't permit monkeys--even if they're small enough that you can keep one inside your bra cup." Lynchburg News & Advance (Lynchburg, Va.)

Greatest Threat to Planet Earth (continued) [Reminder: It's "ignorance"]: Ronald Renken, 66, was arrested in Austin, Minn., on several bunko-scheme charges after successfully selling people access to a satellite that would beam down cures for various maladies. KIMT-TV (Mason City, Iowa)

Update: The Buffalo, N.Y., Muslim who was setting up a TV station to run programs to dispel negative stereotypes of Islam was sentenced to 25 years for beheading his wife. (Nothing to do with Islam, though, except that he said she bossed him around like a "terrorist training camp.") Fox News

♫ I Got Rhy ♪ . . . . . . . .thm: A 23-year-old man named Mathieu was diagnosed as being, allegedly, the first person found to suffer "beat" deafness. Discovery Channel News

Win-Win: Israeli rabbis launch an initiative to get gay men married off to lesbians! Haaretz

A fender-bender slipped into road rage and gunfire, but, as shooter David Bush pointed out, give him credit because even though he shot the guy, he went the extra mile by making sure not to kill him. WPXI-TV (Pittsburgh, Pa.)

Republicans mustn't cut funding for the National Endowment for the Humanities, said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, of Nevada. After all, that might jeopardize Nevada's annual Cowboy Poetry Festival.

"Wife Flies Cross-Country to Seek Revenge on Husband" . . and by "seek revenge," we mean "break into his girlfriend's clothing stash and cut the crotch out of all pants and panties." Chicago Tribune

News from Oz: In one of New South Wales's "top nursing homes," some nurses operate "Genital Friday Club." At least two have been fired. Daily Telegraph (Sydney)

Britain's Circus of Horrors has an international track record for grossing people out. In fact, you rarely get to see "Circus of Horrors" and "Oxford University" used in the same news bite. Metro (London) /// Circus of Horrors [Not Safe For Work]

Dueling 911 Calls: Homeowner called to report an intruder using his shower . . at about the same time the man in the shower, fearing that the homeowner has a gun, called 911, himself. (Bonus: Slow learner: Two days later, shower man was arrested stealing from a Walmart in the next state.) The Oregonian /// KVAL-TV (Eugene, Ore.)

The Well-Crafted Lede: "Sheepish scientists refer to it as a tail, but the appendage dragging behind the male frog [that was] recently discovered in Mendocino County is no tail." Like, 4,998 out of 5,000 frog and toad species don't have penii at all so meet the coastal tailed frog, which needs one to deliver the goods in the muck. San Francisco Chronicle

Did you know that a person could really be vaporized? It says here that, according to the CEO of the power company in Christchurch, New Zealand, if you were to touch the main core of their big power line, which carries 66,000 volts, you and the surrounding matter for 20 feet on all sides would disappear. Dominion Post (Wellington)


People With Issues: Miljenko Bukovic, a newspaper vendor in Chile, is an adult (measured in accumulated years), but his chest, back, and arms are almost totally covered . . with 82 portrait tattoos of Julia Roberts. Daily Mail (London)

Intra-Nerd-Community Crime: A unnamed teenager was arrested in Southfield, Mich., after attempting to rob a comic-book store with a fake bomb. WJBK-TV (Detroit)

The Pervo Community

Thomas Cavender begged the judge, Please release me from the Sex Offender Registry. How can I conduct my evangelical ministry if people keep seeing my name up there? Gaston Gazette (Gastonia, N.C.)

Crusader Fred Skelton, 78, was unconvincing to a Manitoba judge. He claimed his child-porn collection was just the bookmarking of offensive sites so he could report them to the porn tip line. (In fact, he was so conscientious that he started doing it four years before the tip line was set up.)

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

There's a story behind David Davis's arrest for assault, but . . not now. [It's not quite an Afro; it's a half-fro.] Stamford Advocate

F-Stater Joseph Florence was arrested for trying to beat up on a police officer . . ineptly, apparently. WFTV (Orlando)

There are several theories on how to project innocence in a mug shot if you get caught doing something bad, but Robert Burdette, accused of burglary, is unaware of them. Sarasota Herald Tribune

Editor's Notes published a remembrance by a high-school buddy of a fella who recently made the weird news, big-time. Really, imagine someone in your own lifetime . . who went on to such an achievement as . . being arrested with a 30-item rectal inventory.

Newsrangers: Sam Ronda, Hal Dunham, Peter Hine, Ryan Parker, Carl Hayden, and Paul Sethre, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Mar 14, 2011

That's odd. I thought Shady Pines was in Florida...
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 03/14/11 at 08:59 AM
kill the ill- 91? his day is coming, lets see how he feels about it then.

cloth seats on public transpo- that is the stupidest thing i have heard in a while. nothing but a bodily fluid exstravaganza! yuck!

muslim guy beheads wife- way to become a stereotype dude.

beat deafness- gotta be the result of a caucasian gene.

rabbis idea- could work, 2 gay couples one male one female, marry each other's spouses and defend the rights of the same sex partner in legal situations. way to circumvent the predjudice bs!

jd1- that is a good look dude, no, really...

jd2- ouch, can't we all just get along?

jd3- so the guy has a rectal collection, everyone has a hobby.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 03/14/11 at 11:07 AM
Rep. Hardy Really!?! They elected a 91 year old dude? Seriously? C'mon! You're kidding me, right? Well, at least he's got some good ideas.

Fecal Matter They also found some poo-parts on shopping carts. See here:

"Beat Deafness" Is this covered by Obama Care? How much money is going to the specialists that are there studying this? Oh, wait, is Mathieu white? If so it's got to be genetic.

Gays to Marry Lesbians They're not going to get consummated!

Miss Piggy's Desire Wouldn't "DICK" have saved a lot of ink?

Julia Robert Tattoos Only if you squint after a few beers in the dark.

Good week, Chuck.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 03/14/11 at 11:31 AM
expat, what about cross consumation?

dumbfounded, with plastic seats the riders could carry corox wipes and wipe of where they want to sit. cloth seats would not be helped much that way. basically gives the riders a choice to stay safe.

bet the kid does experiments on the effect of drugs too vl. 😉

91 so he didn't know what he was doing. we had a president who served while in the first stages of alzheimers, one who is so damn dumb he might be retarded, and one who was voted in more because of his race than his qualifications.(less than one full term as a senator, not much experience) atleast this dude was on the state level.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 03/24/11 at 07:59 PM
if that last remark pissed anyone off, sorry, but i am entitiled to an opinion too. and don't worry i think they are all corrupt on every side.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 03/24/11 at 08:01 PM
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