[News] The Sweet Nectar of Life

Where would News of the Weird be without alcohol? In just yesterday's news, to give three separate examples, Dylan Krug, Stephen Garger, and David Senior, proved its value. Krug, 18, spent several hours Saturday night trying to persuade University of Colorado buddies to, y'know, go ahead, punch him in the face, and back at the dorm at 2 a.m., he got his wish and apparently bled all over the place until police were called. And Garger, 34, ramped up an ordinary DUI traffic stop by pulling out a loaded .38 and complaining to the officers that they had "ruined his plans" to go knock off a convenience store. And Senior, 20, apparently in full pick-up mode at 11 p.m. in a St. Pete Beach, Fla., hotel room, was chiding some babes' height-rophobia by perching on a 6th-floor balcony railing, and, oops, landed flat on a 2nd-floor concrete deck, kill—, no, wait, he survived. (Alcohol's also a miracle drug!) Colorado Daily /// The Morning Call (Allentown, Pa.) /// St. Petersburg Times [with your-ass-used-to-be-there and your-ass-landed-here photos]

Your Daily Loser
"Keith," on probation for heroin, was still using, got a phone call to report in 20 minutes for an unscheduled drug test, hurriedly borrowed a pal's Whizzinator (and his pee), and paid the price for not knowing what he was doing. It was either that the Whizzinator was of a different skin color than his or that he couldn't figure out how to hide the strap holding it on. (Besides, Whizzinators are so-o-o 20th-century because all cops can recognize 'em by now.) Detroit Free Press

Your Daily Jury Duty
["In America, a person is presumed innocent until the mug shot is released"]
Would Wesley Carr and Taylor Eppler, both 17, strike you as the kind of young men who would use up their valuable free time (y'know, like for getting those Ivy League applications in) by repeatedly setting off pepper spray in the Wal-Mart? Journal Sentinel