[News] The Sweet Nectar of Life

Where would News of the Weird be without alcohol? In just yesterday's news, to give three separate examples, Dylan Krug, Stephen Garger, and David Senior, proved its value. Krug, 18, spent several hours Saturday night trying to persuade University of Colorado buddies to, y'know, go ahead, punch him in the face, and back at the dorm at 2 a.m., he got his wish and apparently bled all over the place until police were called. And Garger, 34, ramped up an ordinary DUI traffic stop by pulling out a loaded .38 and complaining to the officers that they had "ruined his plans" to go knock off a convenience store. And Senior, 20, apparently in full pick-up mode at 11 p.m. in a St. Pete Beach, Fla., hotel room, was chiding some babes' height-rophobia by perching on a 6th-floor balcony railing, and, oops, landed flat on a 2nd-floor concrete deck, kill—, no, wait, he survived. (Alcohol's also a miracle drug!) Colorado Daily /// The Morning Call (Allentown, Pa.) /// St. Petersburg Times [with your-ass-used-to-be-there and your-ass-landed-here photos]

Your Daily Loser
"Keith," on probation for heroin, was still using, got a phone call to report in 20 minutes for an unscheduled drug test, hurriedly borrowed a pal's Whizzinator (and his pee), and paid the price for not knowing what he was doing. It was either that the Whizzinator was of a different skin color than his or that he couldn't figure out how to hide the strap holding it on. (Besides, Whizzinators are so-o-o 20th-century because all cops can recognize 'em by now.) Detroit Free Press

Your Daily Jury Duty
["In America, a person is presumed innocent until the mug shot is released"]
Would Wesley Carr and Taylor Eppler, both 17, strike you as the kind of young men who would use up their valuable free time (y'know, like for getting those Ivy League applications in) by repeatedly setting off pepper spray in the Wal-Mart? Journal Sentinel

     Posted By: Chuck - Thu Mar 19, 2009

Yea, both these dorks are guilty but just how much of the stuff did they release to send 50 people to the hospital? I think we're going to have also say GUILTY to a whole bunch of people for attempting to bilk Wally's out of some $$.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 03/19/09 at 01:40 PM
All of us here are probably going to hell for so many many reasons kelby - you'll be in good company 😊
Posted by Jules in Connecticut on 03/19/09 at 03:42 PM
I totally love the Whizzinator story ~ what a moran!! I especially like the cop's remark that sometimes you can hear the little motor..great stuff :cheese:
Posted by Skitt in SW USA on 03/19/09 at 04:01 PM
Carr & Eppler - those two just look like freaks. Their moms must be so proud of the little darlings. Plus they've now lost all hope of ever being hired by Walmart..
Posted by Skitt in SW USA on 03/19/09 at 04:06 PM
fall- the guy is a drunken idiot. the funny thing was that the day before a TEXAN also fell from a balcony in FLORIDA.

whizzinator- caught with a strap on, not very manly. also most strap ons with motors aren't used for peeing, and aren't (presumably) flaccid.

pepper spray- sad, they aren't even as smart as they look.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 03/19/09 at 09:37 PM
your welcome sweetie pea! i think the pee police would get suspicious if a guy pulled out a rock hard penis and pissed from it, don't you? :cheese:
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 03/19/09 at 10:07 PM
Olly Bootle says Guilty!

And the Garger DUI stop is :lol: worthy.
Posted by Nethie on 03/19/09 at 10:50 PM
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