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News of the Weird / Pro Edition (September 27, 2010)

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
September 27, 2010
(datelines September 18-September 25) (links correct as of September 27)

Back-Door Caffeine for Jews, Plus Vampires Loose in Peru and the Fall of a Legendary Procreator

★ ★ ★ ★!

Another Talmudic Loophole: Yom Kippur fasting (nothing by mouth) presents a challenge to caffeine addicts, but in Brooklyn, N.Y., this year, no problem: Caffeine suppositories flew off the shelves! The Brooklyn Paper

You Don't Quite Look Young Enough! In Australia (could be America), an investigator found instances of young teen girls undergoing Brazilian waxes at the behest of their boyfriends–for that ultra-chic porn-model look. Courier-Mail (Brisbane)

A Remedy Worse Than the Malady? No doubt, the group of "prediabetes" symptoms (obesity, passing out) caused by insulin irregularities is undesirable. Researchers at Academic Medical Center in Amsterdam reported a potential cure last week at a conference. They way to fix this, see, is for the patient to get a fecal transplant from a lean, insulin-normal person. MedPageToday.com

Is There Anything the Mayo Clinic Can't Do? They cut this woman literally in half (except for one connective strand), removed her bone cancer, and put her back together. She's in a wheelchair, but she's fine. Winnipeg Free Press

Can't Possibly Be True: London's The Independent, from a Freedom of Information Act request, learned that the Queen's people, finding themselves with budget problems in 2004, actually asked if they could tap into the government's home-heating subsidy program. (Bonus: Before the Labour Party was against it, they were for it.) Daily Mail

Civilization in Decline: Louis Converso Jr. pleaded guilty to DUI, and is free on bail until sentencing, during which time he will resume his place on the waiting list for a liver transplant--undoubtedly ahead of people who actually beat the demon rum and stand a chance of joie de vivre. Buffalo News

(Update) Holy Prostitutes: News of the Weird has tread this ground before, but an upcoming British TV documentary fills in on Devadasis, who are lower-caste Indian women who decide to forgo the tremendous career opportunities they have--in jobs like hauling human manure--and instead pledge their virginity and beyond to fund their local Hindu temples. It's supposedly illegal (since 1988), but the government doesn't often get to the sticks. Devadasis commit at age 3 or so, start selling sex at puberty, and are washed up fairly young. [LINK CORRECTED] The Independent (London)
And Still More Things To Worry About

Woody Smith said he killed his wife because he was wired on caffeine (more than 400 mg a day). [ed. 400? Amateur!] Associated Press via Herald Leader (Lexington, Ky.)

Don't Ask How They Found Out: According to recently revealed files, a World War I-era British MI-6 McGyver-type agent came upon an ordinary item that could be used as an "invisible ink"--semen! Daily Telegraph

Hands Off Rich People! Americans need to be free to give away $8 million to things like the Wombat Awareness Organization. The Advertiser (Adelaide, Australia) via News.com.au

Fine Points of the Law: Yes, the trooper was doing 126 mph responding to a traffic call, and yes, he was texting while driving, and yes, he lost control of his cruiser and killed two girls, and yes, they fired his butt--except--since he was doing trooper business at the time, and got hurt in the crash, he can tap the state worker compensation fund. Belleville (Ill.) News-Democrat

Hail the Sedentary Life! A fitness freak, 32, was paralyzed during a workout on a pole-dancing pole (York, England). Then this star high school athlete died, tangled up in a Bowflex machine (Grass Valley, Calif.). Yorkshire Post /// KOVR-TV (Sacramento)

In the nakedness center of the universe (Cap d'Agde, Frawnts), it's the straight-laced nudists versus the mate-swapping swingers, and it's getting ugly. The Independent (London)

Democracy in Action: Mayor Rogelio Vizcarra of San Cristobal, Peru, said he will not be intimidated into withdrawing for re-election--even though a dirty-tricks operative dug up Vizcarra's old man's skull and won't return it until Vizcarra drops out. Associated Press via New York Times

The super-potent Howard Veal of Grand Rapids, Mich., with 23 children by 14 women, is off to prison after falling $500,000 behind in child support. Grand Rapids Press

Brandon Rhode, scheduled for execution in Georgia last Tuesday, tried to save the state some money by slashing himself with a razor a few hours early, but he survived. His lawyer said, What a crazy thing to do, and therefore, Rhode must insane and therefore You can't execute him! (A judge will decide, maybe today.) Creative Loafing (Atlanta)

In Afghanistan, it's boy-babies--good, girl-babies--bad, and some families are so ashamed of their string of girls that they designate one as a "boy" and go all-in on treating her like a boy. (Otherwise, with all girls, neighbors would think God is punishing them.) New York Times

Vampires in Peru! At least 20 civilians are dead and as many as 3,500 bitten. The vampires are still in control in a remote Amazon region very difficult to access, and the casualties were expected to climb. (Vampire bats, of course.) BBC News

Losers

Donald Dennehy is in prison in Colorado, and Donald Dennehy (his dad) (see: "acorn, falling near tree") got talked into furnishing son with a golf ball-sized slug of black-tar heroin, for resale inside the joint. Plan: A woman visits son in prison and transfers the ball from her mouth, by kiss; son swallows it, awaits passage through his system. (She'd sneak the ball into prison inside her hoo-ha and then transfer it to her mouth.) Well . . Dad couldn't find a woman with a clean-enough record to be admitted as a visitor but was so enamored of the plan that he took it on, personally, smuggling the ball inside his own poor excuse for a hoo-ha and intending to plant the wet, sloppy kiss, himself. So far, it's merely ridiculous. Here's the good part: All of the Dennehys' phone calls discussing the plan were, of course, monitored, and cops were waiting with a warrant when Dad arrived, rear-loaded. (Bonus: mugshot!) The Smoking Gun

The Pervo-American Community

Former vice principal Charles Hurt of Pennbrook Middle School near Philadelphia was charged with a little creative mentoring, teaching a 13-year-old boy how healthful it is to masturbate and backing it up with a dollar for every shot (provided the boy text-messages Hurt, play-by-play). WCAU-TV (Philadelphia)

A 47-year-old man was arrested for indecent exposure for bicycling while naked from waist down near Galleria Mall in Rock Hill, S.C. Explanation: "I was trying to get a tan." (Bonus: Reporter on the scene? Ms. Kimberly Dick) The Herald (Rock Hill)

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


An uphill quest for innocence for Jonathan Rowell, 25, allegedly caught with 3,000 matches along with a supply of meth. Still, justice demands that you look at his mug shot first. Northwest Florida Daily News

Update: Jesse Thornhill, who appeared in this space in July [7-19-2010], had the charges dropped. It turns out that he did not try to run down his landlord with his van. It was a "misunderstanding." [ed.: Not much "news" here; I just need to put up Jesse's mugshot once more.] The Smoking Gun

Below The Fold

"[Tractor-Trailer] Hauling Fire Extinguishers Catches Fire" WTHI-TV (Terre Haute, Ind.)

"Billboard [Touting Public Schools] Has 'Pubic' Mistake" (Bonus: Four people "proofread" it.) WANE-TV (Fort Wayne, Ind.)

"Security Barrier at [Jerusalem] Zoo to Counter 'Monkey Intifada'" (When the chimps get all fertoutst, they throw rocks at visitors.) (Bonus: Ewww--They throw like a girl!) Jerusalem Post

Detroit's Mayor Bing promoted Ralph Godbee, the interim police chief, to permanent status, replacing the now-fired Warren Evans. Evans had been undone by an affair with a babe lieutenant. (Bonus: The lieutenant's been busy; Godbee had an affair with her, too.) Detroit News

The good thing about a Bentley recall (compared to, say, a Camry recall): They only have to fix 596 cars. (Bonus: What was defective was the hood ornament.) Bloomberg News

Recurring Theme: Still good to be a British welfare family. (Bonus: Mom and dad and their 6 kids--Shakur, Roni, Rain, Roxy, Italy, and Lil [Wayne].) Daily Mail

Among the infinite ways in which "there are two kinds of people in the world": Some people like food that crawls around on their plate; some don't. (Plus, some people like to eat food that has the texture and taste of dirt; some don't.) New York Times /// Time

Editor's Notes

Weird 2.0 on Tuesday morning. (Today's post was running a little long.)

The 2010 Ig Nobel prizes (from the Annals of Improbable Research) will be awarded Thursday night in Cambridge, Mass. Last year's keynote award, you may remember, was the "life-saving bra" (whose cups convert to protective face masks in case of emergency). (Said the inventor, accepting the prize: "Isn't it wonderful that women have two breasts [so we can also save a loved one]?") List of all previous winners /// the Ig Blog (highly recommended)

Here's an MSNBC photoblog from a West Virginia church that specializes in snake-handling. (Note: They are not responsible if you get "bit," but they'll pray with you if you do. If you get bitten, of course, it's because you were hellbound in the first place.) MSNBC

Newsrangers: Richard Hunding, Peter Hine, Janet Carey, Neil Gimon, and Sandy Pearlman, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors

Posted By: Chuck | Date: Mon Sep 27, 2010 | Number of Comments: 3
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Comments
Listed in chronological order. Newest comments at the end.
Devadasis
Corrected link:
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/prostitutes-of-god-2082290.html
Posted by MNIceLady on 09/27/10 at 07:26 AM
Talmudic Loophole Not "But Rabbi"! B.U.T.T Rabbi.

Fecal Transplant Easy enough to do if the recipient is down hill, I'm told.

400 mg a day That didn't even get me out of bed before I saw the light and kicked the evil weed in the teeth and embraced the one, true path. All praise to the god <u>Champix</u>.

MI-6 McGyver He only used what came to hand.

Vampires in Peru Sangre Verdadera

Losers Kiss you WHERE???

Jury Duty 1) What's with the obsession on 3,000 matches?
2) Guilty anyhow!

British welfare "Teach a man to fish....."
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 09/27/10 at 09:53 AM
Jury Duty 1 a) Yep, patty got that one. b) OMG, she's 35?!?!? If the cops believe that, she must have really been obvious about the meth.
Jury Duty 2 I am resolutely NOT wondering why the alleged victim changed his mind. Nope, not for a moment. Crap. Where's the brain floss?
Cap d'Agde: Quote of the Week: "I can't put a policeman behind all 40,000 nudists." *snicker*
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 09/28/10 at 07:12 PM
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