News of the Weird 2.0 (May 31, 2012)

News of the Weird 2.0
(Almost) Daily, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 31, 2012
(datelines from May 27 or later) (links correct as of May 31)

★ ★ ★ ★!

Some North Carolina legislators, tired of all this "climate change" nonsense, seek to curb discussion once and for all. The general science says that seas will rise enough to engulf the state's lucrative coast properties so they introduced legislation to prohibit that particular bit of science. According to Replacement Bill 819, future flooding will be limited to 8 inches because that's what the historical tables show when only "linearly" extrapolated. What about if weather gets worse and worse? Do we have to use the same baselines as we did back to 1900, even if our eyes tell us they're not good baselines anymore? Exactly, said the legislators; from now on, it'll illegal to do it your way . . in North Carolina. Scientific American

Leading Economic Indicators

Times are tough. Manuel Orvalle, 35, was charged with burglary in Mesa, Ariz., after allegedly taking a man's Playstation 3 and two bags of water from the man's swimming pool. (Orvalle said there's no running water at home.) /// In Missoula, Mont., someone stole the '76 Ford Pinto from a man's back yard--a '76 Ford Pinto with four flat tires and that didn't run. KPHO-TV (Phoenix) /// The Missoulian

No, Times Aren't Tough: Allison Havir of Phoenix is offering $10,000 for return of her lost dog DiiDii, a 2-1/2 yr old German Shepherd mix. She could go higher: "No amount is too much for her." KCTV (Kansas City)

Over on the Left Tail (of the Bell Curve)

A 61-yr-old man in Decatur, Ala., was hospitalized with a toothache, or rather hospitalized for shooting himself in the jaw with a .25-caliber pistol to alleviate the toothache. Decatur Daily

Funny Old World*

(Well, not funny funny, but, y'know . . .): UK coroner's inquests ruled that Dr. Martin Rowe, 47, had checked himself out early in Southampton (found fully clothed in a bathtub after taking a "massive" dose of Viagra)--and that James Lockless, 50, died accidentally in Carshalton as a result of a sexual "misadventure" involving a nylon sheet and three layers of cling film wrapped around his neck and ankles. (Bonus: Lockless was alone the whole time.) World's Greatest Newspaper /// World's Greatest Newspaper

"U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!"

Gwinnett County, Ga.: A jury awarded $3m to the estate of a man who had a fatal heart attack "in the saddle." He was in a threesome with a woman not his wife, plus another man, and the money was because his cardiologist apparently didn't urge him strongly enough not to do exciting things since he had been scheduled for a stress test a few days later. Atlanta Journal-Constitution

The Pervo-American Community

Police in Harvard, Idaho, picked up a 36-yr-old man who allegedly exposed himself at a residence, leaning into a fence and "enticing" the family dog to come lick his genitals. Moscow-Pullman Daily News

Inexplicable

Been to the mailbox lately? Police in Canada say the suspected murderer they're looking for claims he has dispatched four more body parts from his victim (after sending a hand to the Liberal Party headquarters and a foot to the Conservative Party's). Luke Rocco Magnotta (his latest alias) is being sought, but he once wrote a book on how to go completely off the grid. The Globe and Mail

Pittsburgh, Pa.: No, no one knows the story, but Yes, indeed, that was a pig wearing a scarf scurrying down a lane on the city's Parkway West on Wednesday. WPXI-TV (Pittsburgh)

Thanks to Geoff Egan, John Beyrau, Sandy Pearlman, Michael Tubbs, and Tony Pappas, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors. (* stolen from Private Eye)

     Posted By: Chuck - Thu May 31, 2012
     Category:





Comments
I believe it was Alfred The Great of England who said "Even he could not hold back the sea". This was about 1,000 tears ago!
Posted by BMN on 05/31/12 at 06:09 PM
Chuck, I **love** the daily weirdness!
Thank you!!
Posted by girlgeniusNYC on 05/31/12 at 06:51 PM
I would say I am surprised at North Carolina, but I grew up there. The only thing that surprises me about it is that they didn't require scripture quotes with every faked study to validate the quote science unquote. No joke, we had a biology teacher who quoted bible verses in class. It wasn't until he locked the doors one day and wouldn't let the students leave that they did anything about it. After two weeks of 'vacation' they let him back in the school and he did it again.
Posted by Baughbe on 05/31/12 at 08:19 PM
NC- Are we really surprised considering they want to teach Creationism despite all the factual fossilized proof otherwise? Besides, there is money in keeping the seas at bay on paper.

thieves- The guy who stole the PS3 and water is marginally smarter than the dumbass that stole the Pinto. (a Pinto for God's sakes, what a retard!)

Dii Dii- Hey if she's got the $ and loves the dog that much, more power to her.

Toothache- Dude, its a shot of Novocaine, not lead!

Come and go- Guys, wouldn't you like to live to come another day??

heart attack- I would think that requiring a stress test in the first place would be reason enough to hold back a bit.

knot hole in the fence- Was it a wiener dog?

mail- Never open a leaking package!

Silk scarf on a pig's ear.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 05/31/12 at 11:14 PM
The foot-in-the-mail-item is big news north of the border. It was an American who spotted a video of the crime posted by the presumed perp in the internet, but he had a hard time convincing police up here that the video wasn't fake. One horrifying package and they realized this was the real thing. Some people should never be out of prison.
Posted by Harvey on 06/01/12 at 12:05 AM
NC Legislators Typical egomaniacal crap!

Toothache I've thought to shoot the dentist but myself???

Cling Wrap I couldn't figure this one out until I saw that he was a Wolverine impersonator. (their word, not mine)

Gwinnett County, Ga. The guy has a perfect landing AND won $3M? It's taam ta moove ta Jaw-ja!

Harvard, Idaho Was peanut butter involved too?

R*A*N*T
What is it with news people that they either don't know the words for infant and/or juvenile animals. It couldn't possibly be a piglet or shoat it has to be a "baby pig".

Didn't these people get their money's worth from college? did they sleep through class and bang the prof. for a good grade? or were they hired off the street for minimum wage? Whatever the case there NEEDS TO BE SOMEONE PROOFREADING THE @[email protected]@#[email protected] SCRIPT BEFORE AIR TIME!!!!
/R*A*N*T
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 06/01/12 at 12:36 AM
I wonder how much money the government will have to give the flooded homes in north carolina in a decade to save people from watery disaster... actually, I don't want to wonder, it's depressing
Posted by Fluffy Bunny Slippers on 06/01/12 at 02:47 AM
They guy in the threesome performed his own stress test and failed, but died happy!
Posted by Wayne on 06/01/12 at 11:53 AM
If you can find enough weirdness to provide a daily dose of it, at what point does it become normal? I'm just asking because, it seems there sure is plenty of weird news to go around.
Posted by Thinkingman on 06/02/12 at 07:47 AM
@ThinkingMan: There have been quite a few things that Chuck has taken off the list of weird because they became so common.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 06/02/12 at 09:32 AM
@Expat, I find that there is a "no longer weird" section now that I looked for it. Thanks.
Posted by ThinkingMan on 06/02/12 at 05:51 PM
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