News of the Weird 2.0 (September 9, 2013)

News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
September 9, 2013
(datelines August 31-September 7) (links correct as of September 8)
© 2013 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Law school grads with traditional disabilities (i.e., not the morally disabled) typically get accommodations to take state bar exams--because, after all, they’ve already endured the challenging tedium of law school and seek only to earn a living. But Joan Hoyt, 61, wants accommodations just to take the law school admissions test!. She has “difficulty writing, is easily distracted, needs frequent breaks, and reads about two-and-a-half times slower than her peers,” her lawyer wrote in a lawsuit against the test administrator after they turned down some of her demands. It strains the imagination wondering what kind of work a 64-yr-old with those disabilities might put a law degree toward. St. Louis Post-Dispatch

Among America’s 99 Problems is surely not the overregulation of imports from China--and especially overregulation of food imports. Proposed USDA rules lighten up on Chinese chicken, of all things, by allowing four specific companies to do their own regulation and by scrapping required, consumer-friendly “country of orgin” labels for Chinese chicken. (On the other hand, if you feel secure at USDA’s current, traditional regulation of chicken, you need to cut back on your tranquilizers.) NPR

God’s Will: The U.S. eradicated measles more than a decade ago, but it’s coming back in large part because the War Against Science has spawned anti-immunization “experts” like Professor Jenny McCarthy, who “protect” our urchins from the pandemic of immunization-caused autism. This measles outbreak in small-town Texas consists of members of the Eagle Mountain International Church, about half of whom are McCarthyites. NPR

Non-Discriminatory America: If plaintiff Brandi Johnson (a black woman) gets called a you-know-what by her ex-boss, she will win her lawsuit for his hateful tirades, even if her ex-boss is also black and claimed that that gave him a free pass to play. [LINK REPLACED] CNN

More Things to Worry About

The George W. Bush Doctrine (that the U.S. could legally, anticipatorily defend itself even from an “attack” that seems to be mostly in the minds of ‘fraidy cats who always imagine that America’s about to be attacked): In Titusville, Fla., William Woodward sorta used that principle to say that he did not fire prematurely at the three people he shot last yr. He was just anticipatorily standing his ground. (Bonus: Woodward’s lawyers actually said “Bush Doctrine.”) Florida Today (Melbourne)

Officials in Washington City, Utah, have approved constructing a gun range between the Dixie GunWorx store and a women’s domestic-abuse shelter. Natural fear: Gunshots are not what abused women need to hear. GunWorx customers: “Well, if the ladies’d had guns in the first place, problem solved." Salt Lake Tribune

He, Too, Has A Dream: Christopher Cleveland was arrested at the Lincoln Memorial only days after the 50-yr commemoration of The March . . . for taking upskirt pictures of female tourists lounging on the steps. A search of his car turned up 150 PowerPoint presentations (x 30 shots each) of upskirt. [Too much time on his hands. He needs a hobb--Oh, right, a different hobby.] Washington Post

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

No doubt Finn McCool, 38, is guilty of something, but take a look at this news report for examples of the journalism stylings of Will Greenlee, writing in his super-reader-friendly way. (Stuart, Fla.)

Still More Stuff Chuck Learned Last Week

(1) Jian Yang, 33, of Singapore worries that Mattel is de-emphasizing Barbie for Twilight dolls, insulting his collection of 6,000 Barbies. /// (2) A race-car driver had accelerator trouble but had to complete laps to earn a spot for the next race so his partner jumped onto the engine and worked the accelerator by hand; they finished. /// (3) The London sewer system gets clogged by 40,000 “fatbergs” (congealed lard) a year from fat, oil, and grease. /// (4) Anthony Alleyne, famous long ago for turning his home into a replica of the command room of the Starship Enterprise, was arrested for child porn possession. /// (5) (6) (7) A measurable percent of the world’s problems are caused by squirrels--50 power outages in 24 states so far this yr, or threatening America’s ballistic missile defense, or causing bus crashes.
(1) Reuters, (2) [Sorry!], (3), (4) BBC News, (5) New York Times, (6) [Aug. 30], (7) The Local (Stockholm)

Newsrangers: Kathryn Wood and Carl Reine and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Sep 09, 2013

Joan Hoyt "Life, Liberty and to be pursued by Happiness"

Chinese Chicken We obviously need to throw more money at the USDA. They've been strapped for cash since 40% of Americans now own ObamaPhones.

God’s Will Hopefully they'll all get some biblical sized justice meted upon them down unto the 7th generation.

Brandi Johnson If Al Shaprton can say it then it's open season. Of course, you MUST leave off the final 'R' or it just a raciest slur.

Bush Doctrine Why not, Hussain has been using it for 5 years now.

Christopher Cleveland The dude has SKILLS! Not everyone knows how to use PowerPoint.

Jury Duty Flipping the double eagle is a "sexual intercoursing" crime in Flo-Ridda?
Hay, Chuck, can we just abbv. that to SIing? It'd take a lot less time to input.

More Stuff (5)(6)(7) 98% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 09/09/13 at 10:43 AM
Soon it'll be "Chickity China the Chinese Chicken,
You have a drumstick --
and your brain literally does stop ticking, as you've just died from the most recent variant of avian flu.

Oh, and on that jury duty? Guilty! -- of spectacularly failing to live up to the name, "Flint McCool". Seriously, how is a man with a name like that not a super-secret agent who doubles as a brain surgeon who is a fashion model in his spare time?
Posted by Steve K on 09/09/13 at 04:07 PM
disabled- She ain't disabled she's just stupid.

Measles- Stupid.

racism- What now only certain black people can even say IT.

stand your ground- If you can predict then you can avoid making gun shots unnecessary.

shelter/gun range- 1 word, soundproofing.

squirrels- They are cute little troublemakers.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 09/09/13 at 04:20 PM
Disabled -- does that mean that a quadriplegic could sue the NFL for not letting him/her play? We had a victim of a head injury somehow admitted to our graduate program, and she threatened to sue for discrimination if she got poor grades due to the fact that her brain didn't work. If your brain doesn't work, just go into marketing and leave the rest of us alone.
Posted by Harvey on 09/09/13 at 10:32 PM
Chinese chicken. I guess it's OK if you don't mind that the inspector of the chicken has been paid off by the vendor. They are slightly more picky about the products they export than the ones they inflict on their own people, but is that really the adventure in cuisine you were looking for?
Posted by Harvey on 09/09/13 at 10:39 PM
Finn McCool: that's not the real Finn McCool. The real Finn McCool built the Giant's Causeway.

Anthony Alleyne: did any of his stash involve Wesley? If so, let him keep it.
Posted by Richard Bos on 09/11/13 at 07:54 AM
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