News of the Weird Daily Pro (January 23, 2014)

News of the Weird Pro Edition
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule

Prime Cuts of Current, Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
January 23, 2014 (Beta Beta Beta!)

Chuck’s Daily Cite-Seeing Tour

An Ohio Highway Patrolman “taught” a 5-yr-old boy the joys of onanism, but that’s not a crime, said the prosecutor in Sandusky, Ohio. Sandusky Register

Half a Cheer for Capitalism: Texas Instruments made $2.2bn last yr and thus is proud to lay off only 1,100 workers. Agence France-Presse via

Teachers’ unions are for protecting teachers’ rights--not that there’s anything wrong with that. But if “the kids” benefit from teachers’ unions, it’s just a coincidence. This Memphis teacher put a 5-yr-old in a closet and then went home sick, and the union has located a technicality! WREG-TV (Memphis)

Mourners “still want to have a party, still want to celebrate . . their loved ones . . but they don’t want to do it over a person’s body.” On to the party room at the Hodges Funeral Home in North Naples, Fla.--the one with the wine cellar. WBBH-TV (Fort Myers, Fla.)

Photos from the Men’s Room at the Olympic Biathlon Centre in Sochi show taking dumps will be a communal affair. BBC News [Safe for Work; the room isn't open yet.]

[From Kev at Nothing to Do with Arbroath] When the International New York Times edition that’s published, in English, in Malaysia, gets printed, the Malaysian publisher can’t check his religion at the door. Hence, a photo accompanying a story on the mistreatment of pigs . . has black boxes over the faces of the pigs. Malay Mail

Newsrangers: the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

     Posted By: Chuck - Thu Jan 23, 2014

statey- Since when is it ok for a grown man to 'teach' a young teen to masturbate by masturbating with him??

Texas Instruments- Typical corporate greed off the backs of the people who made their money for them.

Teacher- Its called isolation abuse. You do not put a small child anywhere and just forget about them. If you are so sick your judgment is effected then GO HOME.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 01/23/14 at 07:12 PM
5yo Onanism Isn't their motto To Serve and Protect. I'm sure the cop was keeping a sharp look-out.

TI $2.2B No worries, El Presidente will gather the thousand to his breast.

Teachers’ Unions That's got to be a euphemism for some seriously messed up sh1t!

Wine Cellar What's weird about this story is that there's an actual 'cellar' in SW Florida where the water table is, like, 2ft under the sand.

Sochi Johns Actually, this is a TRUE picture of a woman's toilet. This has been a closely guarded secret for centuries and it explains why they just can't go alone!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 01/24/14 at 01:11 AM
ONANISM - It actually means that it is time to get Sonny a couple of slave girls or at least regular trips to the brothel. :coolsmile:
Posted by BMN on 01/24/14 at 09:15 AM
Sochi: Of course, the ancient Romans wouldn't have batted an eyelid, which is somewhat appropriate for the Olympics.

Malay Mail: That must be micturate extraction. Even in islam, pigs are only unclean to eat or handle, not to see.
Posted by Richard Bos on 01/24/14 at 09:34 AM
A few corrections:

onanism - It wasn't a five year old, it happened five years ago.

closet - The teacher didn't go home sick, she was sick while in the classroom.
Posted by RobK on 01/24/14 at 04:12 PM
RobK: thanks for the corrections.

Sandusky sexual misconduct: what is it about the name Sandusky???

Sochi Loos: Well, that should clear up any confusion over who has a wide stance.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 01/26/14 at 10:51 AM
CannyScot/Sandusky: I blame the Leather Goddesses of Phobos.
Posted by Richard Bos on 01/27/14 at 08:10 AM
Sochi Toilets: Didn't anyone else notice the distance to the TP holder? It's across the room!
While touring Ukraine the bus made a stop in Odessa. We had been on the bus a while and I really needed to go. I stood in line, paid for my TP, opened the door to the "toilet" and turned around and walked out. I could wait another 8 hours I hoped and I did. It was simply a hole in the floor, but I could have dealt with that. My problem was all the liquid (probably water) all over the floor. I sure as hell didn't want my pants in that and I wasn't experienced enough to figure out how to keep them dry.
Posted by Billy on 01/27/14 at 08:46 AM
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