News of the Weird / Pro Edition (April 25, 2011)

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
April 25, 2011
(datelines April 16-April 23) (links correct as of April 25)

The Unleashing of the Unemployed Superheroes, Plus Hoarding Silver the Hard Way and Abortion Made Easy

From Yr Editor

Wrote a long one. Could put it all out today. Better: half today, half tomorrow. (The whole post will be up later today on and dispatched to the e-mail subscribers.)

★ ★ ★ ★!

An Idea Only a Bureaucrat Could Love: That big federal stimulus has to be spent somewhere, and Workforce Central Florida used $14,000 of its $73,000 buying 6,000 satiny capes that are supposed to draw the long-term unemployed ("superheroes") out of their funk. It's the "Cape-A-Bility Challenge"! It's mean ol' "unemployment" that is "Dr. Evil." Plus: If you have a program like this, there is a compulsion to publicize it ($24,000 on media, $15,000 for billboards, $5,000 on social media). [ed. I used to be . . .. I've seen worse. Actually, I've done worse. Government budgets are often doled out as "use it or lose it." Lots of pressure to buy things.] Orlando Sentinel

Wanted: Blemish-free, Stacked Chinese Virgins: It says here that an outfit in Gushi (Henan province) intends to start selling tea of the purest possible quality (according to some ancient tradition), with leaves picked entirely by the lips of C-cup-minimum virgins and dropped into little straw cups they wear around their necks. It further says here that in the "last century," a tea seller experimented with tea that had been placed on the breasts of young virgins overnight so that the pheromones could seep into the tea. Daily Mail (London)

Why People Hate Government-Employee Unions: Scranton, Pa., police chief Dan Duffy is the object of a police union's "unfair labor practice" charge against the city because he arrested a guy on March 20th. That violates the union contract, which guarantees that only union members can "apprehend" and "arrest," and the chief is management. Times-Tribune (Scranton)

Some Day, We'll Learn What the Federal Reserve Really Does, and We Won't Like It: What it did in the aftermath of the banking collapse of September 2008 was to give guaranteed-against-loss loans not just to U.S. banks, but to banks all over the world, whether they really needed the money or not, because they didn't want commercial and consumer lending to dry up. U.S. tax dollars (eventual tax dollars, that is, not any time soon) went to outfits like Central Bank of Mexico and the Arab Banking Corporation of Bahrain (which, by the way, was at the time 59-percent owned by, um, er, the Central Bank of Libya, reputed to be an ATM of Col. Gaddafi, meaning that some of the funding of his current mercenaries may have been facilitated by, um . . ..). Rolling Stone


Makes Sense Until It Doesn't: (1) NY state needed to reign in previously-unregulated "day camps" by defining them as regulated "summer camps," and the best way they could think of was to emphasize dangers in "camp" activities. Resulting specified "dangerous" activities: kickball, Wiffle ball, "rover, red rover," freeze tag. Bureaucrat: "There will be flexibility in how the law is implemented." (2) Aiming perhaps for a lifetime lawsuit achievement award, the Justice Department announced that it will keep on trying to resurrect the FCC's stern, overwrought TV "indecency" standards (Do you have any recollection at all of NYPD Blue?)--by heading to the U.S. Supreme Court. New York Daily News /// Wall Street Journal

Richard Ravitch, a wealthy businessman who was drafted by then-New York Gov. David Paterson as his lieutenant governor (when then-Gov. Eliot Spitzer's junk got caught in a cookie jar), volunteered to work for free, but the state as custom had a car and driver take him to meetings around the state, and, whoa, those are taxable "fringe benefits," and Social Security and Medicare taxes must be paid. Thus, Ravitch failed in his effort to work for $0; he actually worked for $ -723. New York Times


It's hard to replace the notorious golden boy of paint-huffing, Mr. Patrick Tribett. Here's the latest candidate: Kelly Gibson of Fort Wayne, Ind., who was caught in the act, for the 48th time. WANE-TV (Fort Wayne) /// KMGH-TV (Denver) [Tribett]

It was a classic cold case--an unsolved 2004 murder--until a police investigator flipping through gangbanger snapshots came across a dude who happened to have a detailed drawing of the 2004 crime scene (with key details) tattooed on his chest. Anthony Garcia was arrested (and now stands convicted). Los Angeles Times

Oh! Dear!

Bring Lots of Towels, Please: The Easy Gym in Arrigorriaga, Spain, needed a revenue boost, and the area was teeming with nudists naturists. Thus, naked workouts on the equipment! BBC News [sorta Not Safe For Work]

Oops! (1) An ill 73-year-old woman on a cruise off Norway had to be returned to shore, but the sea was rough, and the handlers accidentally dropped her between the boats. She suffered life-threatening hypothermia from her eight minutes in the drink. (Update: She didn't make it.) (2) They're soccer players; they don't use their hands much. Carrying around the King's Cup (Spain's primo soccer prize), one player dropped it, and it was crushed into tiny pieces by the team bus (video). MSNBC /// Agence France-Presse via Yahoo News /// YouTube [link from Nothing to Do with Arbroath blog]

The incoming president of the American College of Surgeons was pressured to resign because of a semi-serious ditty he wrote tracing the history of pheromones, concluding with the reasonable scientific hypothesis that sperm might be a mood-enhancer on its own and that therefore all this condom stuff actually stifles romance. [Some science hypotheses are regarded as provocative, even ground-breaking; other science hypotheses are useless, disgusting intellectual terrorism. Primary distinction: Is someone being offended? If yes, only perfectly proven science is allowed to be discussed.] Retraction Watch

Civilization In Decline

Do You Have a Better Idea How to Resolve Washington, D.C.,'s Gridlock? (You Do Not.): Officials in Kyrgyzstan's parliament sacrificed seven sheep last week in an effort to drive evil spirits out of the building and set the country back on course. The Guardian (London)

Anti-abortion people in Massachusetts are foaming about a sex-education website and campaign called, which either (a) educates newly-pregnant teenagers by demystifying the choice they face or (b) creates a booming market for abortions in the Bay State ("Abortion Made Easy" "So Easy, Even a Cave Woman). (Massachusetts has a unobvious state-law evasion of the requirement of parental permission for under-18s, and Maria'll tell ya exactly how to pull it off.) Boston Herald

The Pervo-American Community

USA! USA!: Kevin Theriault was arrested in Tempe, Ariz., for flashing and fondling himself (three times recently!) in front of Lady Liberty (as in, Statue of)--well, the woman working for Liberty Tax Service, whose hawkesses solicit customers streetside around tax time. Arizona Republic

In the Pervo-Anglo-American Community, student Joel Hardman (tee-hee!) was arrested in a ladies' room, where he had taken to posing as a mannequin in a fancy party dress in a rear corner so he could hang back unobtrusively and take in the thrilling (he said) sound of women on the toilet. Birmingham Mail

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

The F State: (1) She said/He said: Harry Gray, 67, either was stalking the woman with his electric wheelchair for three days, trying to knock her off her bicycle, or he wasn't. (2) They said/He said: They said Dennis Delisle, 48, hanging out at a skating park, pushed kids down, especially the girls so he could handle them while helping them up. He said he never touched em, that they were lying because they were jealous that he was such a stud skater. (Stuart, Fla.) /// WKMG-TV (Orlando)

Mary Doolin was arrested for recidivist pimping in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. (Bonus: It's possible that there are pimps in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.) KCRG-TV (Cedar Rapids)

Kevin Signalness is in trouble after ramming through a police crime scene in his car, scattering the officers. DUI? (Check!) Stolen car? (Check!) Pants open? (Check!) Porno magazine open in the passenger seat? (Check!) Guilty? (Depends on the mugshot.) KPTV (Portland, Ore.)

Silvestre Raigoza is the human neck canvas (but that doesn't mean he's guilty). KPHO-TV (Phoenix)

Not Safe For Stomachs [I warned you!] Alfred Shepard, arrested on drug and explosives charges in Phoenix.

Newsrangers: Charles Smaistrla, Charla Claypool, Emily Lehrer, Thom Brooks, Richard Renno, Peter Hine, Neb Rodgers, Gerald Sacks, Ken Berkun, Joe Weckbacher, Kat Alessi, Michelle Jensen, Paul Walker, and Bruce Leiserowitz, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Apr 25, 2011

Paint-huffing golden boy? Moar liek silver boy, amirite?
Posted by venomlash on 04/25/11 at 09:19 AM
China Tea I've got the jingle: Tea on titties, tea on boobies too. (Use the tune to T for Texas)

Unions Don't get me started! There ain't enough pixels to get the job done right!

NY Tax Mongers: Got caught by the Fox and threw in the towel! Now it's time to throw in the tax mongers.
FCC Just what we need, more bureaucracy! Sick-em tiger!
Richard Ravitch NY whiplash!

Paint Huffing And why are tax dollars being spent in an attempt to keep these idiots from dieing? I don't get it!

D.C.,'s Gridlock We could try sacrificing 500+ congresspeople, sit back, and see what happens.

Jury Duty
The F-state Wasn't me!!!!
Kevin Signalness The pic was photo-shopped, right? Really?
Nuke'm all!!!!!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 04/25/11 at 05:51 PM
An Idea Only a Bureaucrat Could Love - Big corporations work that way, too; my company has an orgy of training & small electronics purchases at the end of the fiscal year, but big electronics purchases are tightly scheduled to get to the money as soon as the fiscal year kicks over so you beat the other departments to the honeypot.

Wanted: Blemish-free, Stacked Chinese Virgins - C'mon, the idea sounds much better than "Civet Coffee."

Why People Hate Government-Employee Unions - That sort of thing is why I won't work for a union, government or private sector.

What the Federal Reserve Really Does - The reason that no one from Wall Street is going to jail, and all this money is being spread around, is Congress is paid to keep it that way, and the Congresscritters want to take part in the revolving door into Multi-Million Dollar Salary heaven: you get elected, you get millions of dollars in bundled checks from Wall Street investors, their spouses, their kids, their Guatemalan maids, etc, then you make sure that no one is looking over the shoulders of said investors while they gamble with your money, while they get hundreds of Millions of dollars in salaries, bonuses & perks for running companies into the ground, then get them a sweetheart deal of a buyout/bailout/Golden Parachute to tide them over 'til they're hired to be the CEO of the next Wall Street investment firm that needs to give them hundreds of Millions of dollars. Then, after the well paid Congresscritter decides to no longer run for office, and pockets the millions given to said Congresscritter by said Billionaire Investment Bankers, they become a Lobbyist who is paid millions of dollars a year to give bundles of checks to Congresscritters from Wall Street investors, their spouses, kids, Guatemalan maids, etc.

Fort Wayne Huffer - Have you ever been to Fort Wayne? Let the boy waste his brain cells.

Washington, D.C.,'s Gridlock - Hey, at least we're not Greece (or Ireland, or Portugal, or Spain, or Belgium...)

Weekly Jury Duty - Guilty, Guilty, "Would you buy a used Female Sex Organ from this woman?" Guilty, I think it even says "Guilty" somewhere on his head, and just let him take the damn drugs.

dr. Zev, I've been to Troy, too. I just figured you had to go 7 miles south to get a whore... (New York Legislature joke there)
Posted by Freddie Freelance on 04/25/11 at 09:24 PM
The only reason we (the US) aren't Greece is because we don't have someone to whom we can stick our hand out to to bail us out!

BTW, if the Orthodox church wanted to do The Christian thing, they could bail us (Greece) out and not even touch the capital!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 04/26/11 at 07:16 AM
capeabilites- govworker unions have been taking a hit for wasting funds, but there seems to be plenty of stupid to go around.

virgin tea- variation on a theme, sex sells.

arrest by union only- congrats, that HAS to be the stupidest thing a union spokesperson has ever said.

camp damgerous- catching op with the uk 'nanny state'.

justice dept.- we are at war, broke, get molested to board an airplane, but by god they are gonna keep us safe from the sight of naked boobies if it is the last thing they ever do!!

work for free, that'll cost ya- kinda like loosing your benefits for working part time at minimum wage, at the other end of the spectrum.

incriminating tat- modern day hieroglyphics.

listening to them tinkle- the purloined pervert. make him wear a giant letter P.

jury duty1- curmudeons can be pervs too!

jury duty 5- OMG!
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 04/26/11 at 08:55 AM
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