News of the Weird / Pro Edition (August 22, 2011)

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
August 22, 2011
(datelines August 13-August 20) (links correct as of August 22)

Soccer Fans with Happy Endings, Plus An Incompetent Cow and Abu Nancy

From Yr Editor

Yr Editor is taking off next week although on Monday morning, August 29, I will post the same standard News of the Weird column here that was released nationally the day before, on (However, out of respect that this is the intertubes, the WU version will have links to each source.) I'll be back here on September 5 with a somewhat-improved Pro Edition. Somewhat.

★ ★ ★ ★!

An attendance-challenged soccer team in Madrid, Spain, went cutting-edge, with a promo video . . encouraging its fans to . . donate sperm. ("To make sure we get the best supporter, we have made the first [team] Getafe porn movie," said the narrator. Daily Mail: "It cuts to half-naked zombies rolling around on beds who say how important it is to get Getafe back on track. The footage then goes back to the donor who, with a steely determination, marches down a corridor with fellow fans, into an individual cubicle, to complete his mission." Daily Mail (London)

Priests at the Basilica of San Salvatore al Monte, in Florence, Italy, concerned that an intruder continues to steal Bibles, brought out the heavy artillery: a prayer that the thief suffer "a strong bout of the trots [aka the runs]." Daily Telegraph (London)

The super-committed Lyle Bensley, 18, stayed remarkably in character through his arrest for assault. He's a vampire. Alive for "500 years." "[N]eed[s] to feed." Made growling and hissing noises as he broke into an apartment and munched on a woman's neck. Houston Chronicle

Taunting the Tea Party: In (broke) (worse-off than the federal government) California, the legislature is now taking up a crucial measure passed by the state senate in June to make it unlawful for hotels not to use fitted sheets. (It was something about housekeepers' complaints to their still-strong union.) Los Angeles Times


Officials of the Republic School District near Springfield, Mo., treated a special-ed middle-school girl about as badly as school officials can, and there's a lawsuit now. She said she was raped (2008-09 school year); they investigated; they concluded she made it up; they suspended her and forced her to apologize to the boy; she came back next year and was (she said) promptly raped again by the boy, officials just as promptly didn't believe her again. This time, though, the boy confessed. The District isn't finished yet. In its lawsuit response, it calls the girl's claims against the school "frivolous," that everything was her fault. Springfield News-Leader

From time to time, this elderly person or that unschooled immigrant falls for the old "let me clean off your money to banish a curse" scam (i.e., while you aren't looking, let me switch it out for this stack of currency-sized blank sheets). That's "from time to time." A family of con artists in Florida were indicted last week for running a 20-year-old scheme of money-cleaning that brought them [gasp] $40 million (but also mixed in were "readings" of various types, though those aren't where the real money is). [Update: Oh, wait! Half of the $40bn is from one lady.] ABC News /// Orlando Sentinel [that one swindle-ee]

A 42-year-old overweight man apparently committed suicide in New York City by leaping in front of an oncoming subway car. He was dead even though the collision "bounced" the obese man back onto the platform. New York Post

Jessica Maple, 12, putting her junior G-man training to use on a break-in at her great-granny's house: "This is where they broke in," she explained to Atlanta detectives. (Detectives: Uh, umm, we were just about to think of that.) Jessica: "I found her stuff at a local pawn shop." (Detectives: That . . was right there on our To-Do list, check with the pawn shops.) "I got a confession out of the thieves." (Detectives: Yeah, well, of course, it's not official until they confess to us.) [At press time, the cops still hadn't gotten around to making an arrest.] WSB-TV


Child Seat, Schmild Seat: The babysitter in Daytona Beach just hoisted the baby-bearing stroller into the bed of the Ram truck and held on while her buddy drove around town. CFNews (Bright House Cable, Orlando)

In Roseville, Mich., a 24-year-old roofer drove through town without benefit of brakes, "stopping" (not very well; he hit four cars) by sticking his foot out the door, Fred-Flintstone-like. (Bonus: He was completely sober.) Detroit Free Press

A thief snatched an idling car in New York City but did not notice at first the two kids and the poodle in the back. A short time later, the guy gave up, drove the kids home, got out, and made a run for it. The kids said he was mostly unnerved by the yapping poodle. WNBC-TV via MSNBC

Emerson Begolly (jihad name, "Abu Nancy"), 22, pleaded guilty to soliciting terrorist acts. As deftly explained by TPM Muckraker: "The guilty plea brings an end to a bizarre case that involved a defendant with Asperger's syndrome, a penchant for Nazi paraphernalia, and a love of Law & Order; an arsenal of weapons; a jihadist pen pal; an alleged relationship between Begolly's mother and the FBI agent who arrested him; and an allegation of attempted sexual abuse by a pedophile pastor." TPM Muckraker

Jared Cano, 17, was busted in Tampa a week before classes started with the means and opportunity to have blown up and shot up his old high school (from which he had been expelled) with Columbine-plus power., exploring Jared's Facebook page, found that he knew the jig was up two days before his arrest when a buddy told Jared he checked his available wi-fi connections at home and noticed "FBI SURVEILLANCE VAN" nearby.

Oh! Dear!

Susanne Eman of Casa Grande, Ariz., seeks the title (and all the status that comes with it) of world's fattest woman. [NSFStomachs] Phoenix New Times

Life Imitates Horror Movie (except there's no drowning in an elevator; you're just supposed to crash). Staten Island Advance

Pervs on Parade

A substantial enclave of pacifist Mennonites who have settled in Bolivia (from Manitoba, Canada) discovered that nine men, led by veterinarian Peter Weiber, 48, used aerosolized cow-tranquilizer, sprayed through open windows at night, to knock out an estimated 130 women and girls (ages 8-60) over a four-year period so they could rape them. (Seriously.) Time

Update: Our most notorious hobbyist castrator Edward Bodkin [NOTW 576, 2-19-1999] was arrested again in Wetumpka, Ala. (previously, Huntington, Ind.), this time on child porn charges after he was caught mailing stuff to institutionalized sex offenders in Massachusetts. Wetumpka Herald

Physician Narendra Sharma is before a medical board this week in Manchester, England, charged with securing a hand job from an anesthetized abortion patient (under the same principle as when ya sit on your hand to put it to sleep so that . . [Ehhh, I don't need to explain everything to you]). Daily Mail (London)

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

Could Aaron Richardson, 67, have completely forgotten that he was married to the other woman? After all, he had been in prison part of the time. CBS News via WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)

Could Shawn Moul be the scariest, most unbalanced stalker you ever heard of (even if the victim did provoke him by . . once helping him with his homework in high school)? Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Editor's Notes

Yr Editor commenced formally noticing murderers and accused murderers with the middle name of Wayne only in 1995 and can thus be excused for not having earlier noted Mr. Damien Wayne Echols, one of the three West Memphis, Ark., murderers released from prison last week (on manufactured guilty pleas, after only other people's DNA was found at the crime scene). WHBQ-TV (Memphis)

Time-Wasters: (1) Police in Changsha, China, somehow believe that they can secure greater compliance with traffic laws if they . . put fluorescent vests on . . these downtown statues . . of monkeys. (2) Least Competent Cow (3) If Joshua Petty, 25, knew that stealing the copper wire from a substation would disable the power to the Gulf Coast Resort nudist camp in Pasco County, Fla., would he have risked having his mug shot taken while wearing a t-shirt that read "I will not stare at boobies"? Metro (London) /// BBC News /// WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)

Newsrangers: Paul Catledge, Craig Cryer, and Geoff Egan, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors (Senior Advisors: Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney, and Editorial Advisors: Tom Barker, Paul Blumstein, Harry Farkas, Sam Gaines, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Rob Snyder, Stephen Taylor, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle).

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Aug 22, 2011

Porto-Spaniards That's about the mental level soccer fans have reached.

Praying Priests Proof positive that priests do (at least try) to give a 5H1T!

Mexafornia Hotel Workers Reason 1378 why I don't plan to go there.

Jr. Crime Fighter Yogi, what the @#$@#$@ is wrong with your state???

Foot For Brakes Why doesn't anyone "know" this guy's name? I've listened to and read different reports to no avail.

Emerson Begolly There's a mini-series in there somewhere.

Sumptuous Susanne Guys, you'll need at least a barrel of flour.

Florescent Monkeys (Really, does one need say anything else?)
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 08/22/11 at 09:43 AM
bible thieves- And thus we see the fundamental difference between the Catholic church and other christian denominations, most churches are happy to GIVE bibles away to encourage reading of them.

California- Hey at least the legislators found something they could actually affect change with.

raped student- Criminal charges and jail time are called for against the school officials involved in this travesty.

bounced back- And thus the fat jokes that likely caused this poor man to kill himself will still be made about him for a long time after his death. How sad.

12yr old detective- Hey, at least they did not charge her with impeding a criminal investigation or impersonating a police officer for embarrassing them.

baby stroller- Graco, its Ram tough!

stolen vehicle- That's what is great about other people's kids, if they get on your nerves you can just return them to mom and dad.

Law and Order- Hey an episode that spans L&O;, SVU and CI!

elevator- Neck deep in SEWER WATER!!! EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

castration and kiddie porn- Sounds like a business plan. If this is what turns you on then with this service you will be less likely to re-offend. Or he's just another freak.

alien hand syndrome- that is supposed to involve your own numbed hand, not someone else's.

forgotten marriage- Never happen, we do not let you forget!

stalker- Email someone once to many times and you can get called a stalker, but this sounds like the real deal.

guilty/not guilty- Sounds like the prosecutor took a lesson from Republic school district on how to never admit a mistake.

I see Boobies- Maybe he was trying to stop, can't see 'em in the dark!

Enjoy your time off Chuck you deserve it!
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 08/22/11 at 10:59 AM
a)true enough b)with the keystone cops stuff that we have seen from the Feds, one would hope not, but who knows? 😜
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 08/22/11 at 12:47 PM
An attendance-challenged soccer team - Half naked zombies, sperm donors; I'm glad to see that someone is trying to raise the respectability level of the sport and it's fans.

Priests at the Basilica of San Salvatore al Monte - They would have probably scared them more if they prayed for their willies to shrink.

The super-committed Lyle Bensley, 18 - Hey, a guys got to get nourishment somewhere. I bet he would be popular with biker chicks if he tried to earn his "red wings".

Taunting the Tea Party - Ya gotta take care of the important stuff first and in the Granola state (land of fruits, nuts and flakes) that is the important stuff. Especially if the unions that keep the crooks in office demand it. You gotta keep laying track for the gravy trains.

Officials of the Republic School District near Springfield, Mo. - This is one of the stories today that does not deserve a flip comment. What it needs is for the school officials to be taken out back of the school and horse whipped and then a good old fashioned "tar and feather" party ending with them being rode our of town on a rail would finish it off nicely.

let me clean off your money to banish a curse - A fool and his money are soon parted. But when they scam people whose mental capacity has been diminished by age or illness then the scammers need the same treatment outlined in the previous comment.

A 42-year-old overweight man - I feel sorry for anyone whose life is that messed up that they would do something like that. And what about the other people on the platform who witnessed it? I saw a motorcycle accident one time that, while not suicide, was just as bad to see. I had bad dreams about that one for a long time. A biker trying to beat a red light in a construction zone ran at high speed into a left turning pickup truck. The only description that seemed to fit was a mangled dead spider spinning through the air.

Jessica Maple, 12, putting her junior G-man training - Atlanta has a long history of police stupidity and abuse. I think "vigilante justice" would actually work better in the city than the cops do.

Child Seat, Schmild Seat - Hey, at least she was holding on instead of just letting the stroller roll around free. Give her some points for responsibility. Then take her babysitting privileges away.

a 24-year-old roofer drove through town - And they say he was sober. I think they waited to long to test his alcohol level or the breathalyzer was broken. Rednecks famous last words; hey Bubba, hold my beer and watch this.

A thief snatched an idling car - I bet his buddies would laugh him out of town if they ever found out. But at least the kids were safely returned home. But he could have at least strangled that yapping poodle. The owners neighbors would have given him a medal.

Emerson Begolly (jihad name, "Abu Nancy") - He is said to have Asperger,s Syndrome. So where were the authorities and child protective services while all the things that made him what he is were going on. The pedophile pastor and the dad who dressed him in Nazi uniform and beat him should go to jail first. Then they should get help for the retarded mother and the kid even if he is beyond being safe to let back out in society. Justice is not being served here.
Posted by yogi in Kennesaw GA on 08/22/11 at 01:29 PM
Comments part 2
first part was too long for the 5000 character limit.

Jared Cano, 17, was busted in Tampa - Sadly there are enough disturbed teens out there that it is entirely possible that one of them will learn to keep his mouth shut until he does blow up a school. Just so no one thinks I am picking on youth, remember how old Ted Kazinski (the unabomber) was when he was finally caught.

Susanne Eman - I don't know which is more disturbing, that she would want to do that to her body and health or that there are actually men who think this is sexy. And as stated above, it would take a whole lot of flour. But there is a way to do it without flour. You just lift the folds until you smell (censored) and back up one.

Life Imitates Horror Movie - RAW SEWAGE UP TO THEIR NECKS AND RISING!!! I guess they really were in deep doodoo.

pacifist Mennonites - This is another of today's stories that do not deserve a flip comment. There are far too many people in positions of power and authority who abuse it. How tragic for the women and girls who were violated in this way and in a community where they will be stigmatized by it. I don't know what, if any, punishment they will receive at the hands of the law but I do believe that they will burn in the hottest part of hell for what they have done.

hobbyist castrator and Physician Narendra Sharma - They both need to go to prison and be placed in the general population. Let the punishment fit the crime.

Could Aaron Richardson, 67, have completely forgotten - You are right patty. they don't let you forget. But hell, one wife at a time has always been more than enough for me.

Could Shawn Moul be the scariest - This is a perfect example of laws that need to be updated. 17 years, no way; he should have been sent away for life under the "three strikes" law long ago.
Posted by yogi in Kennesaw GA on 08/22/11 at 01:34 PM
I can answer that one Billy, I bet they were afraid that the driver might try to flee which would have been more dangerous.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 08/23/11 at 03:46 AM
@Billy & Patty: They could have used lethal force! They surely had a clear shot at the driver at some time or other.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 08/23/11 at 06:02 AM

But that still leaves the possibility of the vehicle going out of control. What if when the driver died his foot pressed harder on the gas pedal? Not to mention the possibility of hitting innocent bystanders if they missed the moving target, and that even includes the baby.
Posted by yogi in Kennesaw GA on 08/23/11 at 06:13 AM
Yogi, get your sarcasm meter checked honey, I think its on the fritz. 😉
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 08/23/11 at 10:50 AM
Soccer Team: Where can I get a copy of that ad tape? Just for professional reasons....

Special Ed: I agree with yogi and I will even help with the tar.

Money Cleaning: All WU people should send me $1000 in $10 bills wrapped in a clean hanky. I will cleanse the money, bury it in my back yard for 5 years, and then return it to you in a new clean hanky. (If I can find your address that is.)

Junior G-Man: She won't be able to get a job with Atlanta Police when she grows up..... Way too smart for them.

Flintstone Stopping: He probably spent enough on shoe replacement last year to fix those brakes.

Susanne Eman: I think this woman should be jailed. She will definitely need medical care as she gets fatter and fatter, and since she will not be able to work, I am sure she will get on the State Medical plan, and since she did it on purpose, she is stealing my tax money.
Posted by Poker50 on 08/23/11 at 05:49 PM
Baby in back of pick up ---notice the comment from the babysitter, "I GOT my first baby when I was 16." Ok - did you get it from the local WalMart? the stork? maybe from under the cabbage? No connection to her child - just POOF IT arrived. Pathetic!
Posted by driven2succeed on 08/24/11 at 08:30 PM
Maybe she got it from ebay.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 08/24/11 at 11:22 PM
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