News of the Weird / Pro Edition (July 25, 2011)

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
July 25, 2011
(datelines July 16-July 23) (links correct as of July 25)

Inelegant American Justice, Plus Satan in Your Mucus and the Great Tonsil

★ ★ ★ ★!

Wrong Place, Wrong Time: First, there's this guy, minding his own business when his neighbor tells police that he sees a burglar at our guy's house. Cops respond. Our guy freaks out (gets pepper-sprayed, locks himself in a closet). Judge now says, That'll be six months in jail for resisting arrest (cut to 30 days upon recommendation of the jury). It's Tex-ass; you must co-operate when police wrongfully arrest you in your own home. Then, here's John Gass of Natick, Mass., who is representative of the growing group of Bay State drivers firmly (but wrongly) identified as scofflaws by facial recognition software. [It'll get worse; get used to it.] And finally, you have this Georgia woman and her three kids, crossing the street (perhaps jaywalking, perhaps not), banged into by a hit-and-run driver, killing the woman's 4-year-old. It's already awful for her, but the prosecutor then administers the coup de grâs, charging her with second-degree vehicular manslaughter (a felony) because she jaywalked (a misdemeanor) with her kids. She faces a tougher sentence than the three-time hit-and-run driver. (Seriously.) [The woman? African-American--why do you ask?] Lufkin Daily News /// Boston Globe /// Atlanta Journal-Constitution [July 14]

Update: That Cute White Supremacist Girl Group: Prussian Blue (twin blonde singers Lamb and Lynx Gaede, then age 13), at one time the toasts of NOTW [Weirdnuz 930, 12-30-2005], are now 19, and they're sorry 'bout all that Aryan stuff. They are still tight with their Hitler-admiring mother-manager, April, who thinks the girls' diversity/rainbow obsession is just a phase. Lamb and Lynx are also fairly sickly but are toughing it out . . with medical marijuana! The Daily

Further Substantiating the Big-Stuff Theory: Researcher Tatu Westling of the University of Helsinki might have started his study as a hoot, but he now takes it more seriously. If you chart countries' economic growth rates against their average penis lengths, there's a decent correlation for concluding that "smaller" nations obviously try harder while "larger" nations might be resting on their laurels. (Also last week, trotted out an evergreen on federal spending--ongoing work using National Institutes of Health grants to learn how gay men with big stuff differ from gay men with smaller stuff.) The Atlantic /// Daily Caller

American Gothic: Small towns are so cute, the way they do things, like the city council of Gould, Ark. (pop. 1,100), which thinks it's OK to require people forming any kind of group to first get their permission. New York Times

Return of the 1980s' Scary Monster: Jason? Michael Myers? No, it's the Daycare Molester (dormant since almost all of the celebrated cases of the 1980s died of prosecutorial embarrassment). He's back, in the person of "Mr. Bob" Adams, principal and owner of Creative Frontiers in Citrus Heights, Calif., who stands accused of improperly feeling up at least 10 kids over the last 15 years. ABC News


New Jersey law counts behavior "to degrade or humiliate" in its definition of "sexual" contact, so when a 14-year-old bully held a younger punk down and dragged his bare butt over the punk's face, i.e., "horseplay," he's now a "sex offender" . . for life. Star-Ledger (Newark)

Among possible reasons for a federal worker's having to give up his job, "death by natural causes" is five times more likely than "fired for poor performance." USA Today

Illinois inmate Johnathan Pinney, 26, filed a federal lawsuit against the state and the feds for repeatedly, wrongly arresting him over the years. For all to be forgiven, he wrote, the judge needs to award him uninhabited land so that he can start his own country. WBBM Radio (Chicago)

At least according to one guard at the Contemporary Jewish Museum in San Francisco, There's no lesbian hand-holding! The exhibit the handholders were viewing was by the late lesbian artist Gertrude Stein. (Bonus: In the F State, though, Lesbians 1, Straights 0. It's a major felony to boff someone without disclosing your HIV-positive status. However, in Florida, "sexual intercourse" can only be between a man and a woman; thus, these-here HIV-spreading lesbians go free.) San Francisco Chronicle /// Sarasota Herald-Tribune

Can't Possibly Be True: There's actually a Guinness Book record for largest tonsil ever removed (2.1 inches by 1.1 inches by 0.7 inch thick). The proud overachiever is Mr. Justin Werner. Associated Press via Wichita Eagle

To comply with federal law, the District of Columbia must have at least one federally licensed gun dealer (to handle lawful transfer purchases from other states), but the last surviving D.C. dealer lost his lease and can't find alternate space because D.C. zoning laws make it hard to be a gun dealer. However, the D.C. police, as part of a newfound good-neighbor policy, have rented him store space inside police headquarters . . and for $100 a month. Washington Times

The End Game: It doesn't get more basic than this. Salvador Pachuca of Bryan, Tex., saw an image of the Virgin Mary and now believes his life has been blessed by this "miracle." The Virg appeared on his truck's rearview mirror . . in the mosaic of splatter from the rear end of a flyover bird. KBTX-TV (Bryan) via KWTX-TV (Waco)


DIY Masterpieces: (1) This guy siphoned gasoline with an electric leaf blower (because he was worried someone was putting sugar in his girlfriend's car's tank) (keyword: "electric," as in "sparks"). (2) This-here guy set out to cremate his dog but somehow set his house on fire. (Bonus: A week later, the dog's still lying there.) BayNews9 (Tampa-St. Petersburg) /// WJLA-TV (Washington, D.C.)

Jared Madeiros, 21, was found in distress in Ceres, Calif., and rescued. By "in distress," I mean he fell into a storm drain, head first, with only his feet and lower legs visible. Modesto Bee

Two fellas, ages 21 and 22, broke into a police van in Radnor, Pa., to take pictures of themselves pretending to be under arrest, but naturally they locked themselves inside by accident. They called 911 and were rescued, and then re-locked-up.

Oh! Dear!

Penal Code Reform: A local court in a village near Dhaka, Bangladesh, found a man, 30, guilty of kidnaping and marrying an underage girl, and the punishment was to walk around naked in the village with a brick tied to his stuff. Agence France-Presse via Evil Empire [ (Sydney)]

The Pervo-American Community

Sounds Like a Joke: Jerry Prieto, 38, was arrested in Benton County, Wash., for soliciting men's room sex. Police say there were sex messages and an arrow drawn on the floor, from a felt-tipped pen, pointing to Prieto's stall. (Bonus: He was found in a "modified yoga pose.") Seattle Weekly

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

Here's Matthew Miranda. 24, of West Haven, Conn., who might possibly have taken a neighbor's car without permission and rammed her above-ground swimming pool. Possibly. Hartford Courant

And here's Joseph Zeock, 61, charged--just charged, mind you--in Woodstock, Ga., with a sexual encounter that was consensual right up to the part where the woman gets set on fire. Atlanta Journal-Constitution

And here are Wilma Mannella, 53, and her son Joshua, 24, who were charged after they relocated to St. Charles, Ill. Their new digs are too close to a daycare facility (seeing as how they're both registered sex offenders). Chicago Tribune

From last week's Smoking Gun collection . . this latest in male arrestee hair fashion. The Smoking Gun

Editor's Notes

ABC News was there in East Aurora, N.Y., with video of a typical deliverance service of the Agape Bible Fellowship, in which Pastor John commands the demons to leave believers' bodies from whatever avenues they are using (tattoos, hemorrhoids, etc.). It usually gets messy as the afflicted hock their mucus and throw-up into church-supplied barf bags. (Snot and pus also accepted; Satan is sneaky that way.) Services always end with some congregants (apparently demon-free that week) holding the possessed ones down on the floor as they spit and cough and moan for the spirits to GTFO. ABC News

Yr Editor hasn't seen it, but it says here, on, that Summer's Eve (the freshen-it-up people) has a new series of video ads on the "power" of the "V": "Over the ages, and throughout the world, men have fought for it, even died for it. One might say it's the most powerful thing on earth." "Hail to the V!" Indeed.

Newsrangers: Perry Levin, Peter Hine, Steve Dunn, and Garry Swaffar, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Jul 25, 2011

Just one more....

All hail the "V"! Damn straight!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 07/25/11 at 09:53 AM
I have lived in both Marietta and Woodstock Ga and I can tell you that they really are that crazy. The two stories in today's NOTW edition are actually quite tame compared to some of the crap that goes on down here.
Posted by yogi in Kennesaw GA on 07/25/11 at 10:02 AM
I've lived in Atlanta for over 30 years, and I agree with yogi. Of course, those of us who live ITP think of Kennesaw that way, too...
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 07/25/11 at 11:57 AM
The power of the V was shown as a trailer when I saw a movie recently. Harry Potter and the power of the V. It was a funny ad, just not exactly the most appropriate setting.
Posted by Mini Viking on 07/25/11 at 12:04 PM
Yeah, its not only Woodstock and Marietta but Kennesaw and most of the other "burbs" of Hotlanta. So, you live ITP, just how far in if you don't mind telling?
Posted by yogi in Kennesaw GA on 07/25/11 at 01:37 PM
arrested @ home- Two things; first, NEVER resist arrest ALWAYS comply with a police officer's directions. Secondly, the more serious the charge thrown at this guy the better the PD and city government's position when negotiating the inevitable lawsuit.

hit & run- Shame on that prosecutor! Yes Chuck, I agree with your reasoning.

small town politics- the words Nazi fiefdom come to mind.

school owner- Not enough info to call this one.

sex offender @14- Those registries are worse than useless. Just throw everyone in who cares if you ruin lives for horseplay (disgusting I grant you) or pissing against the wall of the bar in the alley. Yeah the kid sure does belong on a list that was originally meant for freaks who sexually assult children. By sexually assulting Children I do not mean the 18 year old having consensual sex with a 16 year old either, but they end up on these lists as well.

death vs incompetance- Well if the person is incompetant enough then it may usher in removal by death in the way of a Darwin award.

give me liberty and my own country- Dude looks like he did something wrong!

siphon gas- Darwin.

cremate house instead of dog- Also Darwin, give him time, he will get there.

Play acting arrest- Well see there, they made their dreams come true!

brick on dick(sorry had too lol)-Would this be as painful as it sounds?

jury duty- 1&5;are just WTF! 3&4;ICK! 2 is so horrible I hope they lock him up forever for what he did.

puke out the devil- I hope they used universal precations just in case the devil gave any of the repentant excretors HIV or Hep A, B or C. Just a thought.

Great week Chuck, you are definitely back in the saddle!
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 07/26/11 at 09:27 AM
Hi yogi. In my case, ITP means near Piedmont Hospital - the wife's a Native Atlantan, born in the old Piedmont Hospital, when it was still downtown.

Jaywalking Mom update, from AP this morning:
MARIETTA, Ga. — A Georgia woman has received a year of probation in the jaywalking death of her 4-year-old son, but the judge is also giving her the rare chance to clear her name at a new trial.

Raquel Nelson was convicted by a jury this month of vehicular homicide after her son was struck as the family crossed a busy street north of Atlanta.

The judge gave Nelson a sentence on Tuesday that also includes 40 hours of community service, but he also made the unusual move of offering her a new trial. If she's found innocent, her record would be cleared.

Her attorney David Savoy said they will take the judge up on the offer.

The woman and her children were crossing a street in Marietta in April when the death occurred.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 07/26/11 at 12:17 PM
God bless her, I hope she is cleared. She has suffered enough losing a child from a simple action taken by many people without harm everyday.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 07/26/11 at 11:24 PM
Well as I live and breath! Hi Avmayes, how have you been sweetie? Legalizing pot would solve alot of problems, and cut down on prescription drug use as well.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 07/27/11 at 10:22 PM
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