News of the Weird / Pro Edition Supplement (November 15, 2011)

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Mmmm, "Choice" Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
November 15, 2011
(datelines November 5-November 12) (links correct as of November 14)

Things to Worry About

Everyone knows of Pakistan's precarious position on terrorism--seemingly more afraid of attacks from India and the U.S. than within from Qaeda/Taliban/YadaYada. To keep its nukes away from super-wily U.S. intelligence, it has taken to "storing" them not at fixed locations but in ordinary, unassuming delivery-type trucks, always on the move. It might work, but . . .. Danger Room blog

The big German publishing house Weltbilt makes good money for its owner, the Catholic Church, but a chunk of that money comes from a line of pornographic novels with sleazy covers. The Church said that that was due to a "filtering problem" that was being addressed. However, the editor of the Catholic magazine PUR said that the Church has been foot-dragging on it since 2008, perhaps for obviou$$ reason$$. The Independent (London)

Here's a Canadian financial company performing poorly, with a third-quarter loss of $1.28 billion . . except that, if the company were headquartered in the US of A, with our friendly accounting rules, the same performance would have made the company profitable in the third quarter--by $2.2 billion, a $3.4 billion swing. The Globe and Mail

Below The Fold

Unluckiest Criminal in America: Sebastien Lerebours stole a shopper's Macy's purchases from her car and cleverly tried to return the items at a different Macy's . . but the victim had chosen to replace the stolen goods at that very same "different" Macy's . . at exactly the moment Sebastien showed up wearing her stolen hoodie. WBZ-TV (Boston)

The proper outfit when trying to kill your estranged husband: coveralls, rubber boots, bubble wrap . . .. KSBW-TV (Salinas, Calif.)

Jennifer Coll says it's a miracle she's still alive, that "It's a God thing," that "He was with me." But didn't God allow a sledgehammer to crash through her windshield and not someone else's? God saved her by having the sledgehammer hit her face yet not kill her. KMGH-TV (Denver)

The three-first-named Tommy Joe Kelly was sentenced to 10 years in prison as the tire-slasher roaming Austin, Tex., neighborhoods. He admitted to a couple of instances, but there were 391 slashings over four years and no other suspects. Kelly represented himself at trial and got all personal with the jurors: "OK, I'm going to tell you the truth on this one. It doesn't sound right, but it is. I have had hemorrhoids at that time, super duper bad." (Time-Warner Cable, Austin)

How did you spend the last day of October? Brian McGuinn climbed through nine tons of garbage ("rotten eggs, dirty diapers, chicken carcasses") at the dump in Pompano Beach, Fla., to find the custom-designed engagement ring that he had accidentally tossed in his trash can the night before. He used gloves, of course, but had to abandon them in order to locate something as small as a ring. Ewwwww! (Bonus: He found it.) Miami Herald

U.S. Rep Joe Walsh of Illinois is a recipient of a "True Blue" designation by the Family Research Council Action Committee, for his "support of the family." He's also about $100,000 behind in child support (but claims the wife doesn't mind). Chicago Sun-Times

The Zone: (1) Can it be that a burly skinhead rugby player could have a training-accident stroke and suddenly be gay when he regained consciousness? Theoretically, yes, since sexual attraction is, as they say, a hard-wired "orientation." But then Chris Birch might have taken it too far--becoming a hairdresser. (2) Can it be that a pregnant woman can have cravings not just for Haagen Dazs or Entenmann's but . . roadkill? (Bonus: She's hardcore-- pheasant, hare, pigeon, owl.) Daily Mail (London) /// Daily Mail (London) /// Salon [Can a Stroke Turn You Gay?]

Your Weekly Jury Duty

Can a juror fairly adjudge guilt or innocence by inference from the defendant's hairstyle? I think the answer is . . Yes [from The Smoking Gun's weekly collection]. Arrested for check fraud /// Arrested for parole violation

     Posted By: Chuck - Tue Nov 15, 2011

Mother Church What business doesn't want to make money?

Bubble Wrap Apparelly the stuff is good for everything!

The Hammer of God Sounds like an old SiFi book.

Tommy Joe Kelly Hemorrhoids is an asinine excuse!

Weird Zone Not to author: Haagen Dazs isn't a craving it's a <U>MUST HAVE ITEM!</u>

Pakistan Couldn't think on one nice thing to say about that <strike>sinkhole of</strike> place.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 11/15/11 at 09:17 AM
Harvey, the guy slashed over 300 tires! I pay about $100 per tire myself and they're way below the absolute best!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 11/16/11 at 12:48 PM
Bent Over, I agree 100%! We need to clear out death row, send the non-violent numbers home with electronic surveillance and some serious community service that actually creates income, and then put the rest to work inside the joint. There's no reason to spend tens of thousands keeping them locked up.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 11/16/11 at 11:39 PM
Wally, I think that the problem is more that the Church is engaged in an un-CYA operation.

Jury Duty: #1: ho hum. I look weirder than that when I get up in the morning. #2: if he were in the military, that'd be pretty normal. A touch long, perhaps.

Congressional family values: why does this not surprise me? Do as I say, not as I do.

Tire-slasher: Harvey, ExPat, you both have it wrong. He was trying to jump-start the job market all on his own: surely he's caused someone to get a job, between tire manufacturers and retailers.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 11/17/11 at 02:37 PM
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