News of the Weird (12-2-2012)

News of the Weird Daily Weekly 
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December 2, 2012

Holiday, Fla.:  Abraham Luna, answering for his naked crime spree last week, justified his nudity with The Rule:  “When two men are going to fight, the one that’s naked usually wins.”  Good to know.  Tampa Bay Times

Spokane, Wash.:  Playful mental patient Amber Roberts, 30, admitted she had just murdered a fellow patient, “but you’re [the authorities] going to have to find him,” by which she meant, start looking, and I’ll go “Hot,” “Cold,” “Warmer,” etc.  AP via KATU-TV (Portland, Ore.)

Havana:  Updating [from NOTW M020, 8-26-2007] Cuba’s Danza Voluminosa, composed of the island’s lithest human-whale ballerinas in tutus, in this delightful photo spread  World’s Greatest Newspaper

Charlottesville, Va.:  Mall cops on the job, grabbing that child abductor and . . . and . . . escorting him off the property (“catch-and-release”?)   WVIR-TV

Hamburg, Germany:  They’re “99.999 percent certain” it was a suicide, the cops said, of the man found shot in the head, inside a rucksack full of rocks and fastened with cable ties.  (Lieu said he was probably perched on a bridge, inside the sack, just open enough at the top between the ties to stick his arm out and shoot himself, then drop the gun so it wouldn’t be found after he and it fell into the Elbe River.) (Berlin)

Philadelphia:  A state Supreme Court investigation acknowledged that Philly traffic court judges routinely and promiscuously fix tickets and seemed to suggest, according to the Philadelphia Inquirer, that anyone who paid a full-price ticket was just being lazy.  Philadelphia Inquirer

Lakeland, Fla.:  “Tighten up on your job, homie.”  That was thief Patrick Townsend smart-assin’ Detective Justin Starr after Townsend had just flushed Starr’s digital recorder (the one with Townsend’s confession) down a toilet without Starr realizing it.  The Ledger

Department of Homeland Security:  The inspector general says DHS has spent $430m since 9-11 to provide radios with a common, secure channel to make emeregency communications easy for its 123,000 employees (i.e., sounds kinda important!).  The IG asked 479 employees at random to find the channel, and only one could.

Jury Duty:  If you’re a defense lawyer, how do you make Hank Williams, 46, look innocent in court (of “aggravated stalking” by making “vulgar tongue gestures” toward a woman)?   Johnson City Press (Johnson City, Tenn.)

Editor’s Note:  I’m not necessarily “back,” but let’s try this.  Personally, I’m older, sicker, slower, uglier, and stupider than I used to be, but maybe the theory is that makes me more interesting.  (Just a theory.)
     Posted By: Chuck - Sun Dec 02, 2012

Aren't we all older, uglier, slower, and stupider than we used to be? Here's hoping the sicker part resolves shortly... in a POSITIVE way. Best wishes of the non-maudlin, sappy, sloppy, blubbering kind. A.
Posted by Annette Noyes on 12/02/12 at 07:26 AM
Cuba’s Danza Voluminosa That's way too-too much!

Hamburg, Germany I'm 99.999% sure they didn't want to piss off the mob.

Department of Homeland Security It is much easier to rule a nation when you've gotten the population paranoid to distraction, dumbed down to a double digit IQ, and appeased with mind numbing entertainment.
Side Note: I've figured out why The Kardashians is so popular on TV; Killer Karaoke is that much worse.

Jury Duty To answer your question, Chuck, I'd start with pointing out that the dude lives on Opossum Hollow.

Good to see you back, Chuck.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 12/02/12 at 09:32 AM
What Annette said. We're glad to have you back, Chuck; get well soon, please.

Yooveeay: The mall cops had nothing to say to the TV station. That's rather Cavalier of them. I bet the cops (and the parents) had plenty to say to the TV *and* the mall. Like "See you in court".

Danza Voluminosa: Hey, Tony! Your Mom's soooo fat...

DHS: Your Gubmint at work.

Starr witness: Gee, Captain, it's like this...

Hank Williams: he doesn't look like I remember.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 12/02/12 at 10:46 AM
UPDATE: The police made an arrest in the abduction case at the mall!

He is being held, No bail, till trial. :coolsmile:
Posted by Tyrusguy on 12/02/12 at 11:36 AM
Also, Great Work! and glad to see you're feeling better enough to post, Chuck! We've missed you! :coolsmile:
Posted by Tyrusguy on 12/02/12 at 11:45 AM
Welcome back!
Posted by Bart King on 12/02/12 at 11:49 AM
naked fighters- Of course they win, the other guy does not want to have balls rubbed all over him.

you're hot- Ever heard of locked cells folks?

mall security- Are you freaking kidding me?!?! Someone should be in BIG trouble!

Mafia- What's that? No such thing. Nothing to see here folks, move right along.

Phillt ticket fix- If everyone can get it then I guess it is fair.

flush goes the evidence- Not saying much for the cops who were out smarted and out foxed by this genius.

Homeland Security- Equipment and TRAINING folks, equipment and training.

creep- To bad hubby didn't get a chance to pop this guy in the jaw. Oh, and he has done it before, what a surprise!

Chuck, we are all getting older honey, but you are still the best! Hope you are feeling better and so glad to have you back. 💋
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 12/02/12 at 11:49 AM
The King is back!
Posted by Paul on 12/02/12 at 12:12 PM
Great to have you back Chuck! Hope things are getting better for you.

Hamburg, Germany: After all that work, not even enough rocks to sink the guy properly? I guess after the loss of the KGB, the standards for spooks have fallen.

Homeland Security: Half a billion for an emergency broadcast system nobody knows about doesn't really sound so bad when you consider that we'll probably get several opportunities to use it since the rest of the department is so badly run.

Flushed Recorder: Even as he vows never to incriminate himself again he does it a again by copping to the destruction of evidence. Genius at work.
Posted by Miles on 12/02/12 at 12:30 PM
Welcome Back Chuck!! This Monday has been made a small bit better thanks to seeing your article again!
Posted by Alan on 12/03/12 at 08:47 AM
Chuck I'm sure I speak for no small amount of people when I tell you that I am ecstatic to see you back.

However, if you have health issues that need your attention, please prioritize that above keeping us up on the "real" news.

All the best.
Posted by Brad on 12/03/12 at 10:24 AM
Hi Chuck!
Welcome back. The place just isn't the same without you.
We're all weird, but not quite in your league.

Best wishes and I hope we get more of these. It made my day.
Posted by Billy on 12/05/12 at 12:38 PM
You can get lots more older, uglier, slower, and stupider and even then you'll still be a cool guy.

-Cougar :{)
Posted by Cougar Allen on 12/07/12 at 08:03 PM
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