News of the Weird 2.0 (July 15, 2013)

News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
July 15, 2013
(datelines July 6-July13) (links correct as of July 14)
© 2013 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

NOTE: News of the Weird 2.0 will not be published next week. Yr Editor will have been busy getting totally messed up at his 50th high school reunion all weekend.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (reputed 9-11 mastermind), who was waterboarded 183x, was by 2009 permitted to design his own household vacuum cleaner while at a CIA black site (according to a former senior CIA official). (Non-Weird Backstory: After wringing all the intel out of detainees, the CIA then has to keep them sane--in case they need to prosecute them at some point--and thus it’s all about giving even the waterboardees hobbies, etc. KSM is an aggie from North Carolina A&T.) (In fact, of all that school’s alums, KSM probably has more Google hits than anybody except Jesse Jackson.) Associated Press

The weirdest person Yr Editor learned of last week is Amy Webb, who proudly and in great detail wrote of creating (and, especially, dutifully filling in, for months and months now) spreadsheets measuring every little categorical cohort she can think of (quality of poops included) having to do with her new baby’s welfare. Her pediatrician says to give it a rest, but she’s defiant.

Updates on News Yr Editor Tipped You To: (1) It’s not quite Tahrir Square yet, but the City of San Francisco’s closing of Bacon Bacon (because of complaints about the smell of bacon) is still on hold as demonstrators have been gathering. “Fight the Power!” (Bonus T-shirt: “Bacon Bacon (You Had Me at ‘Bacon’).” Another hearing this week. (2) When writing about the helium reserve,, Yr Editor didn’t even consider that there is also a National Raisin Reserve. It’s only 64 yrs old. California farmer Marvin Horne, 68, is ready to go down with the ship challenging it in court. Wall Street Journal /// Washington Post

Thomson Reuters decided to suspend selling an extra-advance peek at an influential University of Michigan twice-monthly economic survey. Thomson Reuters already charges its clients for a 2-minute head start on public release of the “consumer confidence survey,” giving those clients 120 seconds to buy-buy-buy or sell-sell-sell before y’all know about it. What they’re suspending is the additional 2-second head start they give about a dozen clients who pay them “more than $6,000 a month” for that 2 seconds. With today’s high-frequency trading, they can push millions of shares through in that 2 seconds, and even though the evidence is that they only make about 1/20th of a cent per share, that’s still a good chunk. Now, that’s how that part of the world lives, so back to our own jobs. Y’all want fries with that? New York Times /// Bloomberg Business Week

More Things to Worry About

Robin Hood as Pothole Fixer: Long-suffering citizen Ron Chane, fed up with infrastructure neglect in Jackson, Miss., lifted asphalt from the city and filled 100 road holes, himself, and the mayor is pondering whether to file charges. (Buried Lede: The mayor of Jackson, Miss., is a man by the name of Chokwe Lumumba.) ABC News via Yahoo News

Potpourri of Hormones: (1) Kenneth Enlow, 52 (Tulsa County, Okla., outhouse peeping, from below). (2) Edwin Tobertga (Hamilton, Ohio, simulating sex naked on a float in a neighbor’s pool). (3) Unnamed (but identified by employer) transit driver (Hackensack, N.J., turkey-choking behind the wheel in the Lincoln Tunnel). (4) Clark McElfresh, 51 (Palo Alto, Calif., ditto, biking in public). (5) Frank Short Jr., 22 (New Castle, Del., with semen in hand, butt-slapping only “attractive” women shoppers in Walmart). (6) David Reiser, 19 (Parsippany, N.J., text-message seduction attempt on young girl to have sex and let him dress in a butterfly costume). (Yes, of course the “girl” was a cop.)
KOTV (Tulsa) /// WLWT-TV (Cincinnati) /// WABC-TV (New York City) /// Huffington Post /// News Journal (Wilmington, Del.) /// (Newark)

The Aristocrats!

Criminals Not Ready for Prime Time: (1) Wanda Podgurski, 60, fleeing to Mexico after her conviction of a massive insurance fraud in San Diego, tweeted at the prosecutor, “Catch me if you can. (June 6th).” They did (July 4th). (2) A 28-yr-old man was arrested in Mason, Mich., when, coming to the police station for court-ordered fingerprints, he upped the stakes by paying the $16 fingerprint fee using a stolen credit card. Los Angeles Times ///

Weekly Cite-Seeing

Airline Attendant Accused of Hiding Rats in Underpants, Files Lawsuit --- United Press International

Casey Anthony’s Parents Sell Off Caylee’s Toys in Yard Sale ---

A Hospital in Zimbabwe Charged Women $5 for Each Scream During Childbirth --- Washington Post

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

[Now that the jury system has worked, in Sanford, Fla., as it was designed to--though not as what many people think they want it to do, such as to punish jerkishness or soothe grief--we can return to the conscience-free exercise of common sense and decide the fates of a few more suspects now awaiting trial.]

The mature Edward Gill, 59, Clovis, Calif., has to convince people he’s not the kind of person who would start aiming at random cars with marbles in slingshots . . just because they were keeping him awake . . in his roadside trailer. Fresno Bee

The angelic Francis Campbell, 41, allegedly went on a vicious golfclub-swinging rampage against his mom and stepdad, including putting his fingers in her nostrils and trying to rip her nose off. WCCO-TV (Minneapolis) [LINK CORRECTED]

Newsrangers: Paul Peterson, Perry Levin, John McGaw, Peter Smagorinsky, J.T. Sterr, Art Turner, Alan Dunn, and Vivian Stockman, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Jul 15, 2013

spastic mom- Some people are just ocd.

raisin reserve- Really?? why?

2sec- Insider trading?

pot holes- Let the guy alone he did everyone a favor.

ratty panties- AAAAAAHHHHHH!!

The Anthony's- Anonymous donation would have been more dignified and less media whore like.

$5- WTF?! Let me drop a five pound weight on the doc's foot and charge him for screaming.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 07/15/13 at 05:04 PM
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