News of the Weird 2.0 (June 3, 2013)
News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 3, 2013
(datelines May 25-June 1) (links correct as of June 2)
© 2013 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
★ ★ ★ ★!
Among those who simply believe what they want to be believe, no matter what: Adam and Heather Barrington from North Carolina, who are certain their gestating first child will be better off born as Heather frolics among dolphins, as advocated by the “Sirius Institute” (Pahoa, Hawaii, PlanetPuna.com), which believes that, y’know, dolphins are beautiful, gentle, intelligent creatures, and that it’s stupid to believe that dolphins are wild, vicious animals (rapists, even!). Discovery.com
Here’s the new “world’s greatest lawyer”--being the one who defended Kathleen Cawthorne, 33, who had her 11-yr prison term cut to 4 months in Virginia for having sex with her student . . . because the lawyer helped convince the judge she was clinically “hypersexual” (i.e., vagina on auto-pilot). New York Daily News
More Things to Worry About
Legislators pass no-texting-while-driving laws, but what about Luis Briones of Albuquerque, who crashed his car while having “sexual intercourse of some sort,” according to the police report? The Smoking Gun
The bar was raised for elaborate imposters. Michael McDowell was caught in Fort Worth, Tex., after going to extreme attention-to-detail for 15 yrs being “Brig. Gen.” Michael McDowell. Turns out he used to sell cars. Star-Telegram (Fort Worth)
National Geographic and BBC News, among others, celebrated the 60th anniversary of the first scaling of Mount Everest . . by pointing out that the paths are so crowded that climbers sometimes have to wait 2 hours for a spot in line (past the “markers” of bodies of the unsuccessful, draped in their countries’ flags). National Geographic /// BBC News
The Aristocrats!
Tammy Jung, age 23 and 231 lbs., on her way to 430 with the help of her normal-looking, feedbag-applying boyfriend Johan Uberman, is doing it to monetize her fetish website for those sophisticates who can get off only by watching obese women stuff their faces and/or have sex. [Woo-hoo, is this economy bad! Tammy’s touting that she makes . . $18k a year!] National Enquirer [6-3-2013 not online, however here’s a link to Huffington Post’s Deluxe Debauchery-Chronicler David Moye, from 5-10-2013]
And another by Mr. Moye: The mother-daughter porn actresses Jessica and Monica Sexxxton [sic] are recruiting a father-son duo to co-star with them. Choice to be announced on Father’s Day. Huffington Post
That’s His Story, and He’s Sticking to It: Music teacher Kevin Gausepohl, 38, of Tacoma, Wash., was only academically inquiring whether his teen girl students would be interested in aiding his research on whether they could hit higher octaves if they got naked and aroused themselves. [ed. The late, distinguished Prof. Samuel Kinison once addressed this issue--but found it made the voice lower, i.e., “It changes your octave!!! Ohhhhhhhhhh!!! Humphrey Bogart must’ve had a dick out to here!!! Listen to Lauren Bacall!!! Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!] Bellingham Herald
A 70-yr-old cuckold-retired Army officer was acquitted (jury out only 2 hrs) of killing his wife’s lover, who he thought was raping his wife; she is remorseful, and he is forgiving, and they were off Friday night to celebrate! She chooses . . Waffle Shop! Tampa Bay Times
Weekly Cite-Seeing
Pair of Japan Melons Fetch $15,700 at Auction --- New York Daily News
A Pony Walks into a Liquor Store / Donkey Causes Chaos on Balcony in Brussels --- WJAR-TV (Providence, R.I.) /// Daily Telegraph (London)
Utah Top Gun Lobbyist Arrested for Threatening Ex-Wife with Zombie Response Vehicle --- Raw Story
Strange Old World
Ratziel San Juan was registered for school in the Philippines by his dad. (For brevity, Yr Editor has omitted Ratziel’s 39 middle names.) Inquirer Northern Luzon via Harpers.org
A.J. Miller and his lovelywife Mary, who run a small cult compound in Kingaroy, Queensland, Ozzie, sat for an interview wherein he vouched that indeed he is Jesus Christ and that he couldn’t be married to Mary because Mary is of course his mom and that quite a few people have moved to Kingaroy to improve their shots at Heaven when the time comes. Sky.com (London)
Other Stuff Yr Editor Learned Last Week
(1) Busted for prostitution only because the police answered a 911 call too quickly. (2) Captain America of Hollywood Blvd. beat up Spider Man of Hollywood Blvd. for encroaching on his begging turf. (3) Way-Bad Dog! (4) Is it “constipation” if you smuggle a phone into prison in your butt, but it won’t come out? (5) When you study for “A-level English exams” in Britain (for college admission), you have to “study” Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein “for eight months.” (6) America’s-- America’s!--Department of Veterans Affairs is so screwed up that if you call the Roanoke office and ask when your previously-filed application for treatment will be evaluated, the answer is “30 months.” (7) The school board in Camden, N.J., can get sued by a dad (over his son’s getting cut from the track team) for $40 million.
(1) WFSB-TV (Hartford, Conn.) /// (2) KCBS-TV (Los Angeles) /// (3) KRCR-TV (Redding, Calif) /// (4) Scottish TV (Glasgow) /// (5) BBC News /// (6) WTKR-TV (Norfolk-Hampton Roads, Va.) /// (7) Philadelphia Inquirer
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
Two men and one woman were arrested in a Clarksville, Tenn., prostitution sting. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to pick out the woman (and then, for bonus points, explain what the "men's" issues could possibly be). WKRN-TV (Nashville)
Newsrangers: Mark Hazelrigg, Chris Banta, Bruce Leiserowitz, John McGaw, Steve Dunn, Paul Krause, and Peter Swank, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 3, 2013
(datelines May 25-June 1) (links correct as of June 2)
© 2013 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
★ ★ ★ ★!
Among those who simply believe what they want to be believe, no matter what: Adam and Heather Barrington from North Carolina, who are certain their gestating first child will be better off born as Heather frolics among dolphins, as advocated by the “Sirius Institute” (Pahoa, Hawaii, PlanetPuna.com), which believes that, y’know, dolphins are beautiful, gentle, intelligent creatures, and that it’s stupid to believe that dolphins are wild, vicious animals (rapists, even!). Discovery.com
Here’s the new “world’s greatest lawyer”--being the one who defended Kathleen Cawthorne, 33, who had her 11-yr prison term cut to 4 months in Virginia for having sex with her student . . . because the lawyer helped convince the judge she was clinically “hypersexual” (i.e., vagina on auto-pilot). New York Daily News
More Things to Worry About
Legislators pass no-texting-while-driving laws, but what about Luis Briones of Albuquerque, who crashed his car while having “sexual intercourse of some sort,” according to the police report? The Smoking Gun
The bar was raised for elaborate imposters. Michael McDowell was caught in Fort Worth, Tex., after going to extreme attention-to-detail for 15 yrs being “Brig. Gen.” Michael McDowell. Turns out he used to sell cars. Star-Telegram (Fort Worth)
National Geographic and BBC News, among others, celebrated the 60th anniversary of the first scaling of Mount Everest . . by pointing out that the paths are so crowded that climbers sometimes have to wait 2 hours for a spot in line (past the “markers” of bodies of the unsuccessful, draped in their countries’ flags). National Geographic /// BBC News
The Aristocrats!
Tammy Jung, age 23 and 231 lbs., on her way to 430 with the help of her normal-looking, feedbag-applying boyfriend Johan Uberman, is doing it to monetize her fetish website for those sophisticates who can get off only by watching obese women stuff their faces and/or have sex. [Woo-hoo, is this economy bad! Tammy’s touting that she makes . . $18k a year!] National Enquirer [6-3-2013 not online, however here’s a link to Huffington Post’s Deluxe Debauchery-Chronicler David Moye, from 5-10-2013]
And another by Mr. Moye: The mother-daughter porn actresses Jessica and Monica Sexxxton [sic] are recruiting a father-son duo to co-star with them. Choice to be announced on Father’s Day. Huffington Post
That’s His Story, and He’s Sticking to It: Music teacher Kevin Gausepohl, 38, of Tacoma, Wash., was only academically inquiring whether his teen girl students would be interested in aiding his research on whether they could hit higher octaves if they got naked and aroused themselves. [ed. The late, distinguished Prof. Samuel Kinison once addressed this issue--but found it made the voice lower, i.e., “It changes your octave!!! Ohhhhhhhhhh!!! Humphrey Bogart must’ve had a dick out to here!!! Listen to Lauren Bacall!!! Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!] Bellingham Herald
A 70-yr-old cuckold-retired Army officer was acquitted (jury out only 2 hrs) of killing his wife’s lover, who he thought was raping his wife; she is remorseful, and he is forgiving, and they were off Friday night to celebrate! She chooses . . Waffle Shop! Tampa Bay Times
Weekly Cite-Seeing
Pair of Japan Melons Fetch $15,700 at Auction --- New York Daily News
A Pony Walks into a Liquor Store / Donkey Causes Chaos on Balcony in Brussels --- WJAR-TV (Providence, R.I.) /// Daily Telegraph (London)
Utah Top Gun Lobbyist Arrested for Threatening Ex-Wife with Zombie Response Vehicle --- Raw Story
Strange Old World
Ratziel San Juan was registered for school in the Philippines by his dad. (For brevity, Yr Editor has omitted Ratziel’s 39 middle names.) Inquirer Northern Luzon via Harpers.org
A.J. Miller and his lovely
Other Stuff Yr Editor Learned Last Week
(1) Busted for prostitution only because the police answered a 911 call too quickly. (2) Captain America of Hollywood Blvd. beat up Spider Man of Hollywood Blvd. for encroaching on his begging turf. (3) Way-Bad Dog! (4) Is it “constipation” if you smuggle a phone into prison in your butt, but it won’t come out? (5) When you study for “A-level English exams” in Britain (for college admission), you have to “study” Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein “for eight months.” (6) America’s-- America’s!--Department of Veterans Affairs is so screwed up that if you call the Roanoke office and ask when your previously-filed application for treatment will be evaluated, the answer is “30 months.” (7) The school board in Camden, N.J., can get sued by a dad (over his son’s getting cut from the track team) for $40 million.
(1) WFSB-TV (Hartford, Conn.) /// (2) KCBS-TV (Los Angeles) /// (3) KRCR-TV (Redding, Calif) /// (4) Scottish TV (Glasgow) /// (5) BBC News /// (6) WTKR-TV (Norfolk-Hampton Roads, Va.) /// (7) Philadelphia Inquirer
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
Two men and one woman were arrested in a Clarksville, Tenn., prostitution sting. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to pick out the woman (and then, for bonus points, explain what the "men's" issues could possibly be). WKRN-TV (Nashville)
Newsrangers: Mark Hazelrigg, Chris Banta, Bruce Leiserowitz, John McGaw, Steve Dunn, Paul Krause, and Peter Swank, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
Comments
Dolphins How come some group hasn't decided lions are gentle, kind creatures too! P.E.T.A and P.H.A.R.T. aren't doing their bits!
Sexy Teacher Seriously? Some 17yo guy getting laid was scarred by it? Really? Naw..... REALLY????
Sexy Crash Yup... Awful hard to concentrate with out any blood above the waistline.
Fake General This type of stuff USED to be illegal!
Mountain Climbers Darwin Award tryouts.
The Sexxxtons High art, no doubt. I'll bookmark a Google Search to see if anything comes of this.. (get it???)
Waffle Shop Gotta keep one's life compartmentalized.
Sexy Teacher Seriously? Some 17yo guy getting laid was scarred by it? Really? Naw..... REALLY????
Sexy Crash Yup... Awful hard to concentrate with out any blood above the waistline.
Fake General This type of stuff USED to be illegal!
Mountain Climbers Darwin Award tryouts.
The Sexxxtons High art, no doubt. I'll bookmark a Google Search to see if anything comes of this.. (get it???)
Waffle Shop Gotta keep one's life compartmentalized.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 06/03/13 at 09:32 AM
Dolphins: apparently, these folks haven't seen the teeth on a dolphin. Or watched the TV program (can't remember which one - Mythbusters, maybe??) where they discovered that your average shark skedaddles when a dolphin shows up.
Japanese melons: A pair of California melons probably sets you back a similar amount...
DW42: this sort of thing is covered by what they used to be able to nail texting drivers for, before the legislature set out to prove that they can actually do something useful once a decade: driving without due care and attention.
Jury Duty: oh, that's going to take extra eye bleach and brain floss. I'll hazard that the one in the middle has no Y chromosome. What in the world makes anyone go down the tranny hooker career path?
Japanese melons: A pair of California melons probably sets you back a similar amount...
DW42: this sort of thing is covered by what they used to be able to nail texting drivers for, before the legislature set out to prove that they can actually do something useful once a decade: driving without due care and attention.
Jury Duty: oh, that's going to take extra eye bleach and brain floss. I'll hazard that the one in the middle has no Y chromosome. What in the world makes anyone go down the tranny hooker career path?
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 06/03/13 at 11:06 AM
Jury Duty Ramonica is the female and the other two are expert at playing hide the sausage.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 06/03/13 at 11:28 AM
dolphins- Dolphins are know for being frendly with people but I don't think I'd want to give birth amoungst them.
teacher/student- If it was a male teacher you can bet that there wouldn't be any leniency.
faux general- Definitely illegal.
Everest- Lots of people rushing to their doom.
fat for profit- What a stupid idiot she is.
incest porn- Everything is a fetish for someone.
arousal effect on voice- SCAM!
JJapanese melons- Are they real or fake?
39 middle names- Is one of them Wayne?
teacher/student- If it was a male teacher you can bet that there wouldn't be any leniency.
faux general- Definitely illegal.
Everest- Lots of people rushing to their doom.
fat for profit- What a stupid idiot she is.
incest porn- Everything is a fetish for someone.
arousal effect on voice- SCAM!
JJapanese melons- Are they real or fake?
39 middle names- Is one of them Wayne?
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 06/03/13 at 09:50 PM
Jury Duty:
1. Man
2. Woman
3. Ma--What the *^&*!?!?
1. Man
2. Woman
3. Ma--What the *^&*!?!?
Posted by SteveWithAQ on 06/03/13 at 11:18 PM
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