News of the Weird 2.0 (May 6, 2013)

News of the Weird 2.0
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 6, 2013
(datelines April 27-May 4) (links correct as of May 5)
© 2013 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

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★ ★ ★ ★!

Y'all already know this, but I'm not sure it has sunk in to America yet, so let me go over it once more. Last Monday, the New York Times reported (since wholly verified) that while Uncle Sam’s left hand (Pentagon) was sending U.S. freedom fighters to risk their lives for Afghanis, its right hand (the CIA) was empowering President Karzai with at least $36 million in greenbacks so he could keep allied troops from winning by paying off his warlords to stay corrupt--so corrupt that Gen. Petraeus had already famously labeled them as tied with the Taliban for being our biggest roadblocks to victory. Translation: We ask troops to die at the same time we stack the deck against them. Worse: Nobody seems much to care.

No wonder the insufferable Tsarnaevs hated America: According to the Boston Herald, the family members (Dad, Mom, the bros) received only about $100k in welfare benefits from this wretched country since 2002. Boston Herald

Face It--The Terrorists Have Won: Kiera Wilmot, 16, has been expelled from school and indicted on felony terrorism charges in Bartow, Fla. In a fit of curiosity for a science fair project, she by herself mixed toilet bowl cleaner and aluminum foil in a plastic jug, and the resulting explosion and smoke was declared by her principal to be a "bomb," which students are allowed to set off only under supervision of a teacher. The principal said he’s sympathetic, knows exactly what's going on here, that she's a good kid, totally honest, moved by scientific inquiry, etc., but that his hands are tied. WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)

Can’t Possibly Be True: In 4 of the country’s largest cities (NYC, Miami, LA, Denver), almost 1 home out of 100 keeps pet chickens. They make messes, especially when brought inside to cuddle. Consequently, the Entrepreneurial Spirit yields and competitors, who sell little-bitty diapers and little-bitty saddles (for roosters) (because roosters apparently like rough sex, leaving hens featherless when cocks ride bareback). NPR
More Things to Worry About

In way-rural Cumberland County, Ky., they take their guns seriously, and the 5-yr-old boy on Lawson’s Bottom Road had recently received a Crickett--a .22-caliber rifle marketed by Keystone Sporting Arms as “My First Rifle.” He’d had it for a while but last week bagged his first kill (accidentally): his 2-yr-old sister. All the proper people were shocked and appalled. Lexington Herald-Leader /// USA Today

The Aristocrats!

Newtown, Conn., is now famous for something else: the discovery of 200-300 plastic one-gallon jugs of urine the homeowner had lying around. No details yet. Danbury News-Times

Louisville, Ky., police were suspicious (maybe drugs, they thought) of Jeffrey Wagner, 50, just because they caught him eating carpet lint from the floor at the Burlington Coat Factory. WLKY-TV (Louisville)

Men on a Mission: A 55-yr-old substitute teacher in Seoul went nuts and beat up an inattentive student, then fled the classroom into another where he naturally . . . dropped trou and masturbated. And burglar Jason Vickery, 23, entered, wandered upstairs, started to masturbate, then got distracted by a remote-control toy helicopter, then ate a salad, then, finally, was able to return to the task at hand. /// WTEV-TV (Jacksonville, Fla.)

Weekly Cite-Seeing

The truck caught in the tree, and the cop car hung up, climbing a guide wire WREG-TV (Memphis) /// KPTV (Portland, Ore.)

The F State is speeding up executions (Said a legislator, “Only God can judge, but we can sure set up the meeting.”) Reuters

You must respect industrial meat blenders The Oregonian

Mayor Bloomberg is hiring breastfeeding whisperers (at $73,000/yr)

Preparing an Olympic bid--wait, what?--Tulsa, Okla.? Associated Press via NBC Sports

Strange Old World

Mark my words, Yr Editor says, this economic dislocation taking place most notably in Greece and Spain is not going away. Case in point: This Spaniard sawed off his arm above the elbow . . . just for the insurance. (Fail! The company caught him.) Daily Telegraph (London)

“The View” Meets Conservative Islam: Turkey television features the “Building Bridges” show hosted by five devout, yet tight-bloused, bottle-blonde Muslims--quietly railing against . . . secularism!

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

Please consider that Kamon Holobaugh, 24, is innocent until proven guilty (no matter what police say fell out of his crack). (Stuart, Fla.)

From last week’s The Smoking Gun collection: Are you scared yet? How about “No way I’m guilty, Judge!”?

Newsrangers: Hal Dunham, Thomas Wyman, and David Henshaw, and the fabulous News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon May 06, 2013

More proof that Carl Hiaasen is not a fiction writer. Indeed, he may be culling the truly weird stuff because it fails credibility tests.
Posted by Angie unduplicated on 05/06/13 at 01:22 PM
Yay! :D
Posted by caiocaiocaio on 05/06/13 at 01:49 PM
Back in 1961 my high school buddies and I mixed toilet bowl cleaner and aluminum foil in a *glass* soda bottle and used it to fill balloons with hydrogen gas. We liked to release them at sunset with a few inches of slow-burning fuse taped to the side - 😊
The explosions were almost as much fun as the UFO reports!
Posted by tadchem on 05/06/13 at 02:58 PM
Afganistan- Its turning into Vietnam all over again.

science/terror- Ridiculous! The family should get a lawyer immediately.

.22 for kids- It is stupid that a .22 is marketed that way, but the parents are ultimately responsible for giving the child a gun at that age. Also, supervision had to be lacking for the incident to happen.

urine collection- 300 gallons of piss on the wall, 300 gallons of piss. Take 1 down and pass it around, 299 gallons of piss on the wall!...

Fla. justice- Catching up with Texas!

Bloomberg- What an idiot, how long are they gonna keep him as mayor?

insurance- OMG he sawed his arm off and didn't even get the pay off.

jury duty- 1) duh!!! 2) ick! 3) He looks jaundiced.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 05/06/13 at 08:44 PM
One of the better journalistic asides: "Pills typically are kept in medicine cabinets, as opposed to anuses." Not great places to store unused needles either. That would indeed impair one's gait.
Posted by Harvey on 05/06/13 at 11:44 PM
That's a real problem with foreign policy. We try to appease the Afghans with money and they use the same money to keep corrupt Warlords in power. But that's also the reality of the world today.
Posted by Pastor Conan on 09/10/13 at 11:40 PM
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