News of the Weird / Pro Edition (April 19, 2010)

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
"You're Still Not Cynical Enough"

Exceptionally Inexplicable Dispatches from Last Week
April 19, 2010
(datelines April 10-April17; links correct as of April 19)

Perverts Gather in Washington (State), Plus Nose Leeches, Über-Clumsy, and Dog with a Rack

Federal agents uncovered an elaborate bestiality ring (involving horses) in Washington state. (Say what? No, that one in 2005 was a different elaborate bestiality ring [involving horses] in Washington state. That was in Enumclaw. This is near Bellingham.) Associated Press via MSNBC /// Seattle Times [2005]

A 34-year-old woman was convicted in Nevada of forcing a 13-year-old boy to fondle her breasts. She was sentenced to life in prison. (Seriously.) (She might've gotten less if she'd just killed him.) Elko Daily Free Press

A large crucifix hanging in a Catholic church in Oklahoma shows Jesus with either extremely well- and oddly-defined abs, or a penis growing out of his belly. One or the other. The Oklahoman

The great, great California town of Bolinas ("We don't exist, so stay away." "Bolinas? Never heard of it." "Get off all our lawns." "Leave us the hell alone.") is back in the news because one of the town's 580 water meters has become available, and if you have a water meter, you can live there. Estimated auction price: $300,000. New York Times

I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you; I want you to get the monthly Supplemental Security Income payments you deserve for your disabled 3-year-old son. (Well, gee, thanks!) The very next month, though, Medicaid dropped Mom's upcoming bone marrow surgery for her cancer because that new SSI check put her just barely over the qualifying-income line. (Update: She's back in the queue.) WFOR-TV (Miami)

Meanwhile, Over on the Left Tail of the Bell Curve . . .

Old scenario, New explanation: A probable burglar, stuck in a vent at a convenience store until it opened next morning, told cops he was not burglar-ing but merely playing hide-and-seek with his buddies, and evidently he won because they all quit and went home and left him there. News Journal (Wilmington, Del.)

Six women testified that a Pittsburgh judge stalked them, but the judge's lawyer explained that the man is 51 years old, "socially inept," hasn't dated in many years, and "doesn't pick up on social cues," i.e., "Never in a million years" equals "She's hot for me." Associated Press via WPMT-TV (Harrisburg)

Surveillance video showed the burglar breaking in, then (when he heard sirens) trying to climb out through the ceiling, then falling through to the floor, then climbing up again, then crashing down again, then climbing up again, then hitting the floor once again . . and three more unsuccessful tries . . 0-for-6 in all. KOTV (Tulsa)

Below The Fold

Awesome: Tactile Minds, a "magazine" consisting of 17 raised, (allegedly-) erotic images of naked men and women . . for the blind. (Bonus Heartwarming But Ridiculous Story: A blind journalism student in Canada said her class in photo-journalism is "not as hard as I thought it would be.") Daily Telegraph (London) /// The Record (Kitchener, Ontario)

"Babies with three [biological] parents may be key to preventing genetic disorders." Three, biological. Britain's Newcastle University is on the case. The Times

Fine Points of the Law: U.S. Army soldier was convicted of murders by a North Carolina court in 1986 and sentenced to die, but appealed, and on retrial, was acquitted. Home free! Except that the Army called him back into service, and they tried him for those same murders (exception to "double jeopardy"), and once again, he's sentenced to die. Associated Press via Washington Post

A new leech species was found in Peru, notable because it has fangs and prefers to hang out in your nose. (Bonus: notable also for its "extremely small genitalia") Discovery Channel via MSNBC

Very practical: A Japanese firm introduces portable hand-held noise machines especially for super-modest women to use in the bathroom, to mask the sounds of elimination. Weird Asia News [Well, some of their stories are authentic!]

Farm worker Mick Wilary, the clumsiest man in Great Britain, got hurt again. Both legs were crushed under a JCB excavator. (Previously: broken ankles, broken ankles [again], cracked ribs, a cut-off finger, stab wounds, split-open head, broken collar bone, broken fingers) Daily Telegraph

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

Michael "He Said/She Said" McLachlan 35, might be guilty of sexual assault of a 5-year-old, but on the other hand, as he said, she could have been the aggressor. Ocala Star-Banner

More Things To Worry About

Once again, "beer" plus "Philadelphia spectator" equals "trouble." For revenge against the man whose complaint got his buddy ejected from the stadium, Matthew Clemens, 21, allegedly projectile-hurled onto the man's 11-year-old daughter. (Bonus: The "man" is a police captain.) Philadelphia Inquirer

A Church of Sweden pastor, doing his duty by working a nighttime suicide hotline, got caught dozing off while "listening to" the distraught caller. The Local (Stockholm)

Scott Schaper of Olathe, Kan., lives a charmed life. He cussed a cop over a traffic ticket, then gave him the finger . . and now, for that, the city's giving him $4,000 (thanks to an ACLU lawsuit claiming that the finger is protected speech). KHSB-TV (Kansas City)

The Age (Melbourne, Australia), reporting on new technology shaping the breast-implant business, dropped this little historical tidbit: The first guinea pig in the 1960s for whether silicone breast implants were safe was . . a dog . . Esmerelda. (Seriously, I guess.) The Age

Three terror-invoking words, once again: "unlicensed dental practice." Falls Church, Va. Entrance to a basement office through the door hidden behind a refrigerator. Did a root canal. Falls Church News-Press

There is such a thing as Foreign Accent Syndrome, where trauma to the brain causes one to mysteriously begin filtering all speech through an accent, even if you've never used that accent before. But there isn't really such a thing as that Croatian teenager waking up from a coma speaking fluent German, which she didn't know before she went under. Pants on fire. Daily Telegraph (London) /// Foreign Accent Syndrome [Wikipedia]

Updates: (1) New York City and the teachers' union reached agreement to close the "rubber rooms," where suspended teachers report for "duty" every day, at full pay and benefits, and just sit. (2) Renova, the upscale Portuguese toilet-paper maker, is back with "mood" TP, in several fluorescent colors, for people who do their business with flair. (3) They laughed when South African activist Sonnet Ehlers introduced her solution to the country's runaway epidemic of rape, but her now-classic latex vise shield is doing big business. New York Times /// /// Global Post

And For Further Review . . .

From time to time, London's Daily Mail dusts off its file photos from Safari World outside Bangkok, where the orangutans engage in mixed martial arts matches (actually, "exhibitions"; the "matches" are fixed). (Bonus: A ring girl–well, an orangutan in a bikini–holds up the card with the round number on it.) [ed.: If you laughed at these photos, or even smiled, or even nodded approvingly, and certainly if you forward the story, I will be so disappointed.] Daily Mail

Newsrangers: Larry Seltzer, Sandy Pearlman, Hal Dunham, Chaz Johnson, Peter Hine, Bruce Leiserowitz, Gerald Sacks, Brian Cunningham, and Pierre Langenegger, and the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and Board of Editorial Advisors (Tom Barker, Paul Blumstein, Harry Farkas, Sam Gaines, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Steve Miller, Mark Neunder, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Stephen Taylor, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle).

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Apr 19, 2010

Life in Nev. Since when do you have to FORCE a teenage boy into any sex act? Anyhow, sounds like the law is a bit warped in this case.

Obscene Crucifix This is a San Damiano Cross and the original goes back some 700 -> 800 years. The prudes should take a chill-pill and get over it.

Obscene Crucifix v2.0 (you supply the music)
Oklahoma! Where the prudes go screaming from the church.
Where the priest won't budge, the church won't fudge.
And the cross still hangs upon the wall!

Ronald Reagan said, The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'

3 Parents Sounds like the Tenctonese are here for real!

Mick Wilary Either this boy knows how to work the system or his got that Münchausen bug.

Jury Duty Dude looks like a whoose so maybe the 5yr old did force him into it! <u>N_O_T_!</U>
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 04/19/10 at 12:40 PM
Obscene crucifix: Maybe it's for homosexual priests who've gone blind.
Jury Duty: Put him in the general population in the jail.
Braille Porn: My wife used to complain about Braille dating with previous boyfriends.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 04/19/10 at 01:40 PM
Washington Bestiality - I like the Seattle Weekly's headline for this: "Douglas Spink, Ex-Cocaine Smuggler, Charged With Running Bestiality Farm for Tourists"

Life in Prison for Boobie Grabbing - I found a Mug Shot; the boy's parents probably caught her at it, made a big deal about it, called the cops, and it snowballed from there. The article says the boy still needs therapy because of the trauma. Really? I think the kid might've had problems before this if he needs over a years worth of Therapy 'cause a Chunky Middle Aged drunk Woman put his hand on her Boobie.

Jury Duty - String him up.
Posted by Freddie Freelance on 04/19/10 at 08:34 PM
new polo team- washington state horse f-ers. GO F-ERS!

13- she should get in trouble, but life? 13 years old and irreperably disterb by touching boobs once? so that's what's the matter with ALL of you then.

jesus w/gronk on belly- that is rather odd, and it proves 1 thing, some artist had a sense of humor 700 years ago and is lucky it didn't get him burned at the stake cuz the church has never had a sense of humor.

ssi-gov healthcare AHHHHHH!!!!!

felony hide and seek?

judge- a judge is supposed to have umm.... good judgementright?

blind porn- maybe it's an experiment to see if the 'you'll go blind' rule works in reverse.

3 parents- don't wehave enough problems already?

army-sound likea guilty guy who slipped through the civilian court's fingers got his just deserts in military court.(dna evidence)

accident prone- with nhs over there the government would do better paying this guy to stay home.

jury duty- pos general population suggestion above a good one.

vomit- he should look a hell of a lot worse, if it hada been my kid he would!

dentist- if you go to a basement dentist for treatment then perhaps you should have a guardian for important decisions at all times.

ny teachers- well that's a start, and more than i thought they'd accomplish any time soon.

neon tp- its all the same two colors in the end anyway.

rape axe- itsagreat idea on the face of it, but i also fear it would get the women who use it killed. how about something that cuts it OFF as the dirty beast pulls out. that would keep him occupied while the woman got away and he wouldn't do it again either.

safari world pics- didn't look for fear i'd disappoint chuck!
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 04/20/10 at 10:10 PM
hey, any thing that contributes to healthy babies! losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent. and if that loss is preceeded by suffering, so much the worse.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 05/11/10 at 11:59 PM
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