News of the Weird / Pro Edition (January 13, 2014)

News of the Weird Pro Edition
Angst, Confusion, Cynicism, Ridicule

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
January 13, 2014
(datelines January 4-January 11) (links correct as of January 12)

Wrong Line of Work: Four perps broke into the house of Joseph Torrez, who it appears was unarmed (except for his mixed martial arts membership card). By the close of business, one perp was dead, one in the hospital, other 2 arrested. Las Cruces Sun-News

There’s “drunk” and then there’s “blitzed”: In the latter, you run away from a DUI stop by climbing a tree and pretending to be an owl, and when a cop tries to talk you down, you say, “Awwww, see, now you are just trying to get me to talk so you can add more charges.” WCVB-TV (Boston)

Great Britain, in an obvious attempt to appeal to curmudgeons such as that which Yr Editor is turning into, almost adopted a new legal tool: replacing the Anti-Social Behavior Order with the Injunction to Prevent Nuisance and Annoyance. Really, who doesn’t want to stop “annoyance”? However, even the House of Lords thought that was dancing too close to arbitrariness and voted it down, 306-178. BBC News

Randy Turner of very, very rural Pine, Ida., was the only “lucky” landowner (among about 50 in the area) who did not get burned out by the recent Elk Complex Fire. Of course, his “neighbors” now are a bunch of cinders and tree trunks, but no matter: The area was scheduled for a 10 percent rise in residential property taxes, and he’s still around, so . . .. KTVB-TV (Boise)

The Femskin company makes special-order silicone body suits ($850) for super-transvestites for whom mere clothes, accessories, and makeup don’t make them look fabulous enough. The “rubber dollers”/”living dolls”/”maskers” wear the elaborate suit underneath--which comes with the payoff ladyparts--to enhance their fashions, wigs, and paint jobs, but then the next day it’s back to work as property developer or forklift driver or whatever. World’s Greatest Newspaper /// Femskin

Stories That Never Get Old: In East Kingston, N.H., during Polar Vortex Week, “Maddie,” 12, got stuck licking a flag pole. Excellent! WMUR-TV (Manchester)

Suspicion Confirmed: Of course almost all Americans believe they’re in the top half on good traits (driving, sexual prowess, etc.), but now a British journal study reported that prisoners say the same thing about themselves (in, for example, “morality” and “kindness”). (Only exception: In “law-abidingness,” they’re only “average.”) Pacific Standard

Of Course: Andrew Carreira, 23, was arrested for car burglary in Austin, Tex., though he denied it. Problem was, there was fresh doggy-doo on the ground, and on Andrew’s shoe, and inside the car. Austin American-Statesman

The Way Washington Works: The NASA space center in Hancock County, Miss., is the nation’s “premier rocket engine testing facility,” which is why, with utterly nothing to do since 2010, Congress ordered NASA to keep maintaining and improving it during 2010-2013. It’s named after the venerable ol’ segregationist John Stennis, and Senators just couldn’t bring themselves to stop spending on it. Ya sorta hear them saying to themselves, Jeez, We waste more money than this every Monday between 9 a.m. and 9:01 a.m. so what’s the big deal here? Bloomberg News via Stars and Stripes

Nobody to Mess With: (1) A political opponent of Zambian president Michael Sata has been arrested for defamation, and by “defamation,” I mean calling Sata a “potato.” (2) Ms. Rhian Jeremiah is a nice-looking 26-yr-old Welsh babe that, on first impression, you might want to take home for the evening--until you see that she was in court last week for gnawing through the roof of a Fiat 500 after a spot of spirits. TimesLive (Johannesburg) /// WalesOnline (Cardiff)

Srsly: (1) A pimp, in prison for beating someone with a Nike sneaker, is suing Nike for not putting a warning label on the shoe that it was a dangerous weapon. (2) A British woman is suing her divorce lawyers for negligence for not telling her that if she prevailed in the divorce (and she did prevail), she wouldn’t be married anymore. The Oregonian /// The Independent (London)

Readers’ Choice: Finally, here are two items not underreported, and if they are new to you, that’s a sign you need to get out of the fresh air, come inside, and spend more time online. A guy in Oklahoma killed his dad with what was reported as an “atomic wedgie,” suffocating him with the waistband pulled up in the back up over his neck. And the ex-wife of novelist Cormac McCarthy (No Country for Old Men) was arrested for threatening her boyfriend with a pistol she had brought into the room inside her hoo-hah. [ed.: insert Bushmaster XM15 joke] The Oklahoman /// The Smoking Gun /// [recommendations for vaginal-carry guns]

Newsrangers: James Mohr, Mel Birge, Steve Dunn, Justin Warner, Ben Harmer, Kevin Noonan, John Canterbury, and Sasha Hemon, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Jan 13, 2014

Four Perps I don't understand why he went easy on them ❓

DUI Owl No video??? I thought cops were supposed to wear their GoPro at all times. What a hoot.

I.P.N.A. And yet, 36% of those right thinking, left wing, mamby-pamby yahoos voted for it! In the words of a once great man, "Hold on'tchur butt!"

Elk Complex Fire Obviously, now that the land has been cleared of that pesky forest, and those pinko tree-hugging yo-yos don't have anything to throw an injunction against the value HAD to go up! He should feel himself lucky it was only 10%!

Femskin $850 just to get all dolled up?

Maddie I'll bet she's going to be a lot of fun in high school.

The Top Half WUvians already KNOW we're there.

Andrew Carreira Sorry coppers, you're going to have to DNA all three samples of the, ah.... evidence to PROVE it all came from the same critter.

Way Washington Works :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Or, to paraphrase one of the workers, "The money's been spent what difference does it make now?"

Nike Warning Label They'll settle out of court for $25k, I'll bet'cha.

Thanks, Chuck.
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 01/13/14 at 10:11 AM
Welsh girl - watch out for the teeth.
Posted by RobK on 01/13/14 at 11:55 AM
wrong guy to F with- I love it!!

Drunky the Owl- Only you can stop drunk driving, only you!

suit- Rubber lady boobie bumpers.

opinion of self- I believe you will find that most generally people do have a pretty high opinion of themselves.

dog poo- Now see there, if the doggie's owner had cleaned that up a car thief would have gone free!

car chewer- There's a sweet girl for one of you fellows out there!

Nike- Yep, the voices told him to just do it.

divorce- What did she think, that she was applying for ownership?

gun- I thought guns did not fire if they got wet or gummed up.
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 01/13/14 at 08:47 PM
"The NASA space center in Hancock County, Miss., is the nation’s “premier rocket engine testing facility,” which is why, with utterly nothing to do since 2010, Congress ordered NASA to keep maintaining and improving it during 2010-2013."

To clarify, the *facility* has been plenty busy, but the A3 test stand has no scheduled users since Ares V was cancelled and the flight profile of the SLS modified. In fact, it's never been used; "maintaining and improving" should probably read "finish constructing and then mothball". The existing test stands at Stennis have been busy with a variety of rocket and jet engines, and will stay busy. This doesn't affect the famous B1/B2 test stand, for instance, the biggest rocket test stand in the world and the only one capable of holding down a Saturn V's first stage.
Posted by Calli Arcale on 01/16/14 at 12:34 PM
ASBO: especially the House of Lords. These, being for a large part non-career or post-career politicians, have the tendency to think before voting, rather than to blindly follow the party whip as the Commons is required to do. This is why both New Labour and Neo-Tory want to get rid of it, and why it absolutely must not be.

Flagpole: serves him right for not watching Mythbusters.

Top half: Dunning-Kruger strikes again!
Posted by Richard Bos on 01/17/14 at 08:24 AM
Commenting is not available in this channel entry.