News of the Weird / Pro Edition (July 4, 2011)

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
July 4, 2011
(datelines June 25-July 2) (links correct as of July 4)

Green Vibrations, Plus A Pair of Human Reptiles and Our New Mexican Overlords

From Yr Editor

Umm . . er . . well . . this is the 5th of four consecutive weeks of half-assed three-quarters-assed jobs at putting Pro Edition together. "These fixes take time," said President Obama (possibly referring to a different matter). (Spoiler Alert: There may be a 6th.)

★ ★ ★ ★!

Environmental Movement Aroused: Ten Green Party members of the German parliament issued a formal demand for improved regulation of air water forests dildos and anal plugs that "contain a high amount of phthalates, other carcinogenic plasticizers, and toxic substances" that can lead to "infertility, hormone imbalances, diabetes, and obesity." Starting point: the same regulation of adult toys as already exists for children's toys. Spiegel Online [photo at link Not Safe For Work]

Parental All-Stars: (1) Toronto police are circulating the surveillance photograph of the 30-ish woman who, in an altercation with another on public transit, grabbed her own urchin from its stroller and used it as a pummeling weapon against the stranger. (2) Angel Flores was arrested in Sweetwater, Tex., having tossed his son, 4, from the car just outside of town--on orders from the Man Upstairs. The kid was rescued and taken to a hospital, where doctors began carefully extracting the 100 or so cactus needles that stuck in him after he landed. (3) Robert Gonzales and Monica Ochoa of Austin, Tex., the parents, respectively, of two combative middle-school girls, arranged, Don-King-style, for the girls to brawl it out in a schoolyard, promoted on social media and recorded for YouTube (but since removed). (Bonus: The parents were also their daughters' cornermen.) Toronto Star /// KHOU-TV (Houston) /// Houston Press

The School Where Everybody's an It: There's a preschool in Stockholm with 33 kids, ages 1-6, with every single gender reference in the place eliminated. The idea is that kids can decide for themselves whether to do aggressive, violent things or to wear pink lace and nurture dolls, etc. (because 4-year-olds are so very smart that way). Oddly, even in Sweden, some people think this is silly. [Y'see, "liberals" identified a real problem, which is that boy stuff is overvalued by society, but then they went and proposed a solution, which is always much trickier than problem-identification.] Associated Press via WRAL-TV (Raleigh, N.C.)

U-S-A! U-S-A . . Sucks! At the Gold Cup soccer championship a week ago Saturday, the raucous crowd at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, Calif., on hand for U.S. vs. Mexico, cheered wildly for the home team, which would be, of course, Mexico, and jeered Mexico's opponent. Home team won, 4-2. (Bonus: Also seemingly aligned with Team Mexico: Budweiser, Coca-Cola, Home Depot, and Allstate . . because, well, the Mexican audience is a more loyal tie-in audience.) (Double Bonus: The post-match ceremony was in . . Spanish.) Reuters /// Daily Mail (London)

Lizardman: News of the Weird has reported from time to time on Erik Sprague, the fella who has carefully carved and tattooed his body, and sharpened his teeth, and had bumps inserted in his forehead, to resemble what he apparently would rather be . . a lizard. Well, here he is, sitting in a studio, interviewed by none other than the chief of AOL Weird News, Buck Wolf. [Toward the end of the video clip, it gets Not Safe For Stomachs.] AOL News


Birtherism 2.0: In Davenport, Iowa, Obama protester Richard McCaslin eventually moved on after a stint teaching the good citizens on the street that the President is "reptoid royalty." "Every American president has British peerage, and royalty has always said they have the right to rule by their bloodline. Their ancestors weren't human, they were aliens, probably of the reptilian type." Quad City Times reported that the U.S. Navy bought 59,000 microchips from China last year that were not only cheap knock-offs but might have also been made back-door-hackable to help Chinese techies identify U.S. missiles in flight.

Remember this airline: Jetstar. It looks like the go-to airline if you plan on going nuts and urinating in the aisle while waving your stuff around like an uncontrollable fire hose and then want a mulligan so that the episode doesn't go on your permanent record. Y'see, this-here guy did that . . and Jetstar merely sent him on his way with a warning that he had been a bad boy. New Zealand Herald


Melvin Jackson, 48, was arrested in Kansas City, Mo., charged with attempting to have sex with an unconscious woman. But, wait, he protested. He'd never rape an unconscious woman, he said: "I thought the lady was dead." Kansas City Star

A man and a woman with extremely short attention spans were arrested in Hillsboro, Mo. They were in the middle of a residential garage burglary and . . got horny . . right there . . as the resident walked in. KSDK-TV (St. Louis)

Matthew Davis, 32, was traffic-stopped and arrested in Cairns, Australia, and charged with stealing an office safe. Professional policework consisted of cops noticing that Davis's car had a large safe hanging out of a door. Cairns Post

Joseph Lombardi, 23, was charged with trying to make a drug buy with a piece of U.S. currency in the denomination of $1 million . . which is appropriate because the "marijuana" he was trying to buy was bogus, too. WTAE-TV (Pittsburgh, Pa.)

Oh! Dear!

All hail the Lede sentence by reporter Bruce Vielmetti of Milwaukee's Journal Sentinel: "Milwaukee police suspect Otis Lockett of illegally having a gun, so they got a warrant to photograph his penis." Journal Sentinel

Elsewhere in Wisconsin, Thomas O'Neil, 47, took a dump on a stranger's garage floor in Wausau, but he had a valid explanation that clears this up, he thought. He told police that he believed he was in his own garage. Gannett Wisconsin Media via Sheboygan Press

The Pervo-American Community

Alan Walker, 47, of Cowpens, S.C., was arrested for theft, among other things, after being caught in a Hot Spot convenience store just after he had shed his pants and walked out holding his junk inside a plastic bag normally used for bank deposits. Drugs were involved, but otherwise, there's no explanation yet. Spartanburg Herald-Journal

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

[Judges have asked for y'all's expert opinions . . guilty or not guilty?]

Alleged master criminal bulk toilet-paper thief David Pinkham, 53. WHDH-TV (Boston)

Kristen Bush, 29, might have some child-porn issues. KSAT-TV (San Antonio)

And Eugene Hickman, 54, might have a, um, bulldog issue. Northwest Florida Daily News

Below The Fold

In White Plains, N.Y., three guys robbed the Five Guys burger joint, but actually four guys were involved. Journal News (White Plains, N.Y.)

Stephanie Robinette, 30, was one of the most famous women on the Internet last week after she fought with her husband in their car, then locked herself inside, and when cops came, she pulled out a breast and sprayed them (and the inside of her car) with milk. The Aristocrat! Columbus Dispatch

AWI: James Onak, 45, is the most recent driver to find himself in the embarrassing position of needing to be informed by a law enforcement officer that there was a dead body in the passenger seat (who apparently entered via the windshield). Houston Chronicle

The (Quarantined-Story) Zone

It's from London's The Sun, so, y;know, but, reporting from court in Kanturk, County Cork, Ireland, they quote a translator for rape defendant Przemyslaw Jakubowski as saying that, while Jacubowski listened to his alleged victim give testimony, he was, right there in the courtroom, y'know, making himself feel good. The Sun

Newsrangers: Brian Bjolin, David Brideau, Craig Wildman, Todd Watson, Matheu Weidenbach, Jim Fregeau, John Werkman, Cindy Carlson, Shawn Stottlemyer, and Hal Dunham, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Jul 04, 2011

Swedish neutral: I'm just waiting for this sort of malarkey to be the law in San Francisco.

Pentagon: I agree with ExPat - I thought the Pentagon was required to buy American unless there were pressing reasons not to. Maybe this is a method of fudging the numbers of the Pentagon budget - they're expressed in trillions of yuan, not trillions of dollars.

Bulldog: cue Lewis Grizzard: "That dawg'll bite you."

Short arm inspection: Only "nearly"?!? That must have been a formidable target.

Lede story: I'm not a reporter for a couple of reasons: I don't see the need to report on courthouse news live from outside the courthouse at 11 p.m., and I don't think I can make sufficient grammar and spelling mistakes to pass the interview.
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 07/04/11 at 12:32 PM
safety first- the start of the Toys For Twats movement

baby weapon- Good, now they will take the kid and give it to someone sane.

4yr old- I think the penalty should be obvious here. (were's that cactus...)

fight- I wonder if these parents of the year will serve more or less time than Michael vick.

soccer and microchips- One day Mexico and China will just divide what's left of the USA between them.

plane- The Captain said, "I'm tired of these fother mucking trouser snakes on this fother mucking plane."

rapist- If he's so dumb he can't even commit necrophilia perhaps its good for him to get locked up for his own good.

robbery interupted- Hey, maybe they have AD...oh look a chicken!

jury duty- Good God are people just getting uglier?!?
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 07/04/11 at 08:47 PM
Re the plasticized dildos. Why don't they just go organic. I mean if they can do this...

...with a watermelon by confining it in a cube shaped container while it is growing just think what they could do with cucumbers in appropriately shaped containers.
In fact the possibilities for shaping any long slender fruit or veggie while it is growing just boggles the mind.

I wonder if I can patent that idea and collect if someone does actually start a business growing sex veggies?
Posted by yogi in Kennesaw GA on 07/04/11 at 09:17 PM
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