News of the Weird / Pro Edition (November 7, 2011)

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
November 7, 2011
(datelines October 29-November 5) (links correct as of November 7)

An Instant News of the Weird Classic, plus More Things to Worry About

★ ★ ★ ★!

Washington County, Ore., sheriff's Sgt. Dave Thompson: "At some point in your career you say yeah I've seen a lot of bad stuff [but] you see this kind of picture and you realize maybe you haven't seen everything." The "this kind" was a photo series of a 21-year-old woman who wanted to "feel" at "one" with her beloved horse, who had just been humanely put down at age 32. So she and her boyfriend gutted it, and she stripped herself naked and climbed into the innards, sticking out only her head--joyously! There are photos, but you don't want to see them. If you look, and they're OK with you, perhaps it's time for your Risperdal. KOIN-TV (Portland)


America In Decline: An industry group expects Americans to have spent almost $7 billion this year on Halloween--including $310 million on costumes to dress up their pets. [ed.: That sounds high. OK, assume half that. Does that make it not disturbing?] Village Voice ///

If a cop catches you merely viewing child pornography in the F State (no molesting, no manufacturing, no selling--just looking at pictures), it's maybe a bet worth taking to just kill that only witness . . because the hapless Mr. Daniel Vilca just got life in prison with no chance of parole . . for only looking. He had no priors of anything. (Federal sentencing guidelines: five or six years.) (Another F-Stater, the lucky Robert Murray, similarly situated, last week got only 30 years.) New York Times /// St. Petersburg Times

However, for reassurance that Americans aren't getting too feral on punishment, Michael Peppel, who was convicted of defrauding stockholders, suppliers, and employees of his company by at least $18 million, was sentenced in Dayton, Ohio, to seven years seven months seven days in prison. Dayton Daily News [10-24-2011]

For some reason, prominent German chef Roland Trettl cooked up haute couture to go with his haute cuisine, producing, for example, a tunic of octopus, a miniskirt of seaweed, a trouser suit of lean bacon, a scarf of squid ink pasta, and a head covering woven from lettuce. These items are "provocative and raise questions," said (unironically) the director of the Berlin museum housing them (using live models). Agence France-Presse via Yahoo News

Readers' Choice: Todd Remis has sued his wedding photographer for botching the mementos of the Big Day. Problems: He wants not only the fee back ($4,100) but enough money to recreate the entire ceremony (including airfare for all guests) / He waited six years to sue / It was eight years ago / And the couple have been divorced for a while now (and she moved back to her native Latvia). (Bonus: It's already been in litigation for two years, with the meter running.) New York Times


Authorities estimate that there are about 125 clandestine tunnels under the U.S.-Mexico border, for smuggling drugs and Mexicans. One of them, south of San Diego, mysteriously filled up with sewage, trapping some folks. Rule Of Thumb: Any time you do something that requires you to be "hosed off," you're a Loser. KNSD-TV (San Diego)

More Tales of the Passive-Aggressive Lovelorn: To win a lady's affection, Robbie Suhr, 48, had the idea that he would put on a disguise, kidnap her, tie her up, and leave . . and then return in short order without the disguise, to rescue her. Imperfect. WTMJ-TV (Milwaukee)

The Pervo-American Community

John Marshall, 56, pleaded no contest in Torrance, Calif., to raping his unconscious boyfriend and . . shaving his body hair. Associated Press via WFAA-TV (Dallas-Fort Worth)

No charges were filed against Washington schoolteacher David McMillen, but he agreed to retire quietly after someone spotted his camera underneath a desk, aimed upward at skirt level. KIMA-TV (Yakima, Wash.)

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

A woman was charged with stabbing a man, but the woman's after-crime helper is the better Jury Duty test: Harold Comer, 59, the world's oldest Justin Bieber devotee. Greensboro (N.C.) News-Record

What kind of woman gets bargained down to $17 for sex? Possibly, Janet Overdurf. Northwest Florida Daily News

Michael Selleneit, 53, might have had to shoot his neighbor because the neighbor had raped Selleneit's wife and threatened to kill Selleneit. Or . . since the rape and threat were only delivered "telepathically," maybe the shooting was unwarranted. Salt Lake Tribune

Pasco County (just north of Weird Central in Tampa) has the highest concentration of nudist resorts in the world so it is not surprising that, say, someone might stage a zombie-fied attack at H'ween. It might have been Kevin Fearn. WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)

Oh! Dear!

Here's a cabinet official on a magazine cover in thigh boots and a rubber dress. (No, not Hillary. Not even Condi, from Kadhafi's collection. It's Romania's Minister of Tourism.) Daily Mail (London)

Below The Fold

"Husband Secretly Fed Wife Steroids So She Would Pile On Weight And Stay At Home To Look After The Children" Daily Mail (London)

"Serial Killer Writes Book For Children" (the Canadian murderer Charles Kembo, who likes "to write in semi-darkness, alone in the nude") The Province (Vancouver)

"Defendant Loses Right To A Lawyer After Allegedly Stabbing 3 Of Them With Pencils Or Pens in Court" The Herald (Everett, Wash.)

"Three-Eyed Fish Caught Near Argentinian Nuclear Power Plant"

Updates & Recurring Themes

It says here that Mr. Thomas Beatie is tying his tubes after bearing three kids for his wife Nancy. ABC News

Here come the "Sovereigns" again. An F State sheriff obtained an arrest warrant for one, Jacob Dyck, who was filing spurious deeds against dozens of unsuspecting homeowners who were not properly versed in the Dyckian version of the U.S. Constitution. More seriously, four Social Security recipients, educated way beyond their intelligence, were arrested for plotting a Timothy McVeigh-style event against the evil government. St. Petersburg Times via The Ledger (Lakeland, Fla.) /// Atlanta Journal-Constitution

PETA checked in with its annual snit over the "Mullet Toss" in Terra Ceia, Fla., where competitors pitch dead fish into a distant toilet. This is said to be "disrespectful" to the mullet. WWSB-TV (Sarasota)

Finally, another heartwarming "fecal transplant" story (cue up the "gladly takes s**t from his wife" jokes)! Jerry Grant had a horrible case of the runs, plus bleeding, because C.diff bacteria had wiped out the "good" bacteria in his colon. The amazingly effective remedy: having some of his wife's healthier caca jammed up him with a colonoscope. Sweet science! Huffington Post

Newsrangers: Kathryn Wood, Craig Cryer, Jessica Binns, Steve Dunn, Norman Meluch, and Sandy Pearlman, and to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and Board of Editorial Advisors (Tom Barker, Paul Blumstein, Harry Farkas, Sam Gaines, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Rob Snyder, Stephen Taylor, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle).

     Posted By: Chuck - Mon Nov 07, 2011

Pet Costumes Hairy went as a Great Dane!

F-state Porn Seem just a bit excessive!

Michael Peppel $18M won't even get you on the 1% list in NY!

Wedding Suit Me thinks the judge that allowed this travesty should be drawn & quartered.

Torrance, Mexafornia So, what was the illegal part?

Teacher McMillen 10 to 1 he gets to keep his 110% pension too!

Jury DooDee
#1: Nice rug, Harold! Guilty!
#2: $17 was $16.75 too high! Guilty!
#3: Forgot to wear your tin-foil hat? Guilty!
#4: Did any "parts" fall off??? Guilty!

Romania Tours Damn!!!! We were withing a couple of k-meters and didn't go.

Three-Eyed Fish And, so it begins.

PETA With all that's wrong in the world... we have PETA too!

We scooped you a couple of times this week, Chuck!
Posted by Expat47 in Athens, Greece on 11/07/11 at 09:43 AM
Jury Duty 1: Nice rug. 2: How old?!? Suuuurrre you are! 3: Rubber room for this one. 4: If you're going to grope a nudist, at least shoot for one younger than your mother.

Penn is mightier than the sword: He should quit futzing around and go for an insanity plea. Except I'm sure he thinks he's perfectly normal.

Mullet Toss: and there I was, hoping it was humans with mullets who were being tossed.

Fecal transplant: sounds funny until you realize how bad it must really be for both parties to agree to the procedure. I'm sure he agreed to anything they could think of, but how do you persuade a woman (even his wife) to be the donor?
Posted by TheCannyScot in Atlanta, GA on 11/07/11 at 10:03 AM
pet costumes- Also pet funerals, cemeteries, health insurance, bequeaths, ect...

F state kiddie porn sentencing- At least they have a place to live. There are some very restrictive residency laws for such people.

Fraud- People with (stolen) $ have better lobbyists for sentencing guidelines.

food as clothing- The same people will go to benefits against world hunger and see no hypocrisy in this.

wedding pictures- Looking for a cash settlement?

sewer in tunnel- Perhaps 'The Illegal Alien Problem Is A Bunch Of Crap' movement is involved?!

kidnap/rescue plan- If he had a been man enough to subdue her then perhaps he would have been man enough to get her interest without the cockamamie plan. But then he probably would have been man enough to be loyal to his family in that case too.

JD1- got that wig from Rugs-R-Us I bet.

JD2- Clearanced for being past her expiration date perhaps?

JD3- Telepathic ability must take quite a toll from the look of him.

JD4- You don't usually smell alcohol on zombies.

cabinet minister- None of the US ones could pull off that look quite as well.

kiddie books- Not for my kids, no matter how normal they may seem when read.

no lawyer for Stabby McStabber- Perhaps no pens and pencils and/or use of shackles. Just a thought.

3 eyed fish- We recently saw a one eyed one that was not found close to a nuclear power plant.

mom/dad- I got mine tied after 2, what is strange about that?

PETDF- People for the Ethical Treatment of Dead Fish, an off shoot organization.

All hail the master of weird news, Chuck!
Posted by Patty in Ohio, USA on 11/07/11 at 11:05 AM
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