Second WEIRD UNIVERSE Contest Voting


A) Here's the original caption above, for your enjoyment and comparison.

B) I've shut off Comments on the original Contest Post, so all entries are officially in.

C) If you look at the count for Comments on that post, you should see the figure of "89." Two comments were corrections to the contestants' prior entries. One comment was a compliment to another contestant. But one comment contained two captions. So 89 minus 3 plus 1 equals 87 entries on display here, EACH ONE BEARING A UNIQUE VOTING NUMBER ABOVE THE ENTRY, and the contestant's handle beneath.

D) It's a lot of reading, in a big post, but I did not want to hide any entries in an "Extended" section, as I felt that would prejudice readers against them.

E) I haven't tampered with the entries, except to add an occasional bit of punctuation or capitalization, or maybe fix a spelling error.

F) Decide which entry you like best, THEN VISIT THIS LINK, WHERE THE VOTING WIDGET LIVES.

G) I've tested the polling widget, which I could not embed here, and it seems to work fine. The current results should display as you vote.

H) Tomorrow around this time, I'll disable the voting and declare a winner!

I) Good luck to everyone!

"Darling, our 'credit crunch' worries are over! Daphne's agreed to go on the game!"

Woman: "What are you writing dear?"
Man: "A suicide note... sign here!"

Woman: "It's very nice of Merrill Lynch, but couldn't we just have a cash bonus again like last year?"

Thanks to his mother, Simon wasn't turning out to be the quite the son Gordon had hoped for.

I knew I couldn't afford two of them!

No, I'm not with another man, I just haven't been in the mood, for you.

The "two for the price of one" psychoanalysis special was not going as well as Dr. Smythe had envisioned.

Man (to himself) : Fucking whores.

So THAT'S why you're always spending so much time at your "book club" meeting!
Dawn in PA

Two wives = laid twice as often? HAH! They prefer each other and the selfish little wenches won't even consider a threesome!
Dawn in PA

My Facebook page clearly stated I was not interested in a "conventional" relationship!
Moon in manassas, va

Don't be glum dear, you can watch next time.
Nicole in VA

"I'm sorry Honey, it's my new diet. No protein for six months."
Merlin in Las Cruces, NM

The down side of being a single guy working the wedding registration desk for gay marriages.
Merlin in Las Cruces, NM

Woman: "Remember, it's only a Green Card marriage. You didn't think you were actually going to get any, did you?."
Merlin in Las Cruces, NM

Charles brooded. After all, Anna was supposed to be HIS mistress, not his wife's.
Emmitt Dove in CT

Actually, Marge, he does have a dick; I just don't let him use it.
Expat47 in Athens, Greece

He's been like that ever since he invented that vibrator thingy.
Expat47 in Athens, Greece

Oh Roger, don't be such a grouch. It makes perfect sense ... while you work on the "Economic", Betty will work on the "Stimulus".
Mad Hatter

Oh Roger, you have such an active imagination! It's just a book club ... uh, and then we're going shopping for some sensible shoes.
Mad Hatter

-Darling, you have been nominated in Obama's Cabinet!
-Did you pay your taxes?

Don't look so glum dear, we agreed to let you watch.
Jules in CT

Darling, do you think that asshole Madd Maxx is going to cause problems with this contest like he did with the first one?
Madd Maxx

How many times do I have to tell you honey? It doesn't matter what you put on your Christmas list. There is no Santa.
Madd Maxx

Honey, Elizabeth and I are going upstairs to munch on each others rugs. Could you be a dear and let us know when Top Chef comes on?
Madd Maxx

Don't worry, Alice. Once you're married you can stop sucking him.
Sweetie, remember when we used to have oral sex? Hee hee!
Madd Maxx

George likes working those silly sudoku puzzles. Hee hee. Silly man, those things will never be popular.
Madd Maxx

Hopefully someone will invent a pill one day to take care of Richard's limp problems.
Madd Maxx

He: "What are you two tittering about?"
She: "We just realized that when cloning is perfected for humans, men will become obsolete! And it's men who work so hard to make this possible! Isn't it hilarious?"

Darling, $20,000 isn't too much for her wedding. She's your precious baby. It's only her 5th marriage, this is something to treasure.
Jessica in Pittsburgh

Don't be mad at me because I said was I was inviting Julia over for pancakes, and this wasn't what you had in mind.
Matt in Florida

Who needs men? We have cloning now!
Susan in Seattle

After his sex change operation, he found their "girly" chatter to be inane, and unbearable.
Barry Parsons

Woman speaking: Honey, you bug me for months about a threesome with another "lady", and now you seem reluctant.
Man: "Lady?" If I had a bulge in my pants as big as "her's" I'd have to wear a skirt too.
VoiceInTheFan in PA

Realizing he had spent the best years of his life in the simultaneous pursuit of deep intellectual thought and loose women, the now middle aged Henry Willingsworth decided then and there to dedicate his life to chasing the dragon. Yes, an opium habit would make the insufferable voices go away...well that and murder....

Don't worry Monica, Bill's just upset that I won't let him play in the Oval Office anymore.
Dead Girl in In the USA

Don't worry, girl. He's just jealous 'cause your gas is louder.

"Oh Darling, don't be silly. Just write the check and we'll be off to the shops. We have plenty of money in the bank... what could there possibly be to worry about?"
SeriouslyJane in Sparks, NV

The real reason Chuck Shepherd keeps posting "News of the Weird" late...

"Oh, Todd! It's all so exciting! First I get nominated to run for Vice President and now it seems that our little Bristol is in the family way!"

He (thinking): What has D. H. Lawrence got that I haven't?

You sir! Guess which one of us is the lady and get a prize.

Somehow, Alastair knew this would be his last letter from the Bergdorf's display window.
Kirk Vilb in East Anglia

"Sorry, Darling, She just does it so much BETTER than you!"

Oh, he always gets this way around tax time.
Jack in Fairfax Station, VA

He's not smiling Bob!

Don't be so Madd Maxx, there is enough of me to go around!

If you're going to use your constantly moving mouths to distract me, there are better ways.

C'mon, Henry. No one reads anymore anyway, and Anais wants to show us some neat French thing she learned...

Dear Penthouse....

Dearest Casanova,
Something went terribly wrong...

Chicks are for fags!
Barry Parsons

No, Honey, she's MY Valentines Day present! You already had your little "private phone call," remember?
Dave Hanford

Husband: Hey honey, did you make a new friend today?
Wife: Really? You're just now realizing that we're conjoined twins?

Woman 1: Hey, Dickhead, what are you writing?
Man: None of your business, Bitch!
Woman 2: Wow, you two have such honest, open communication.
CaptainBuzzkill in Canada

Arthur, dear. She says she'll do us both for 50 bucks.

You are wasting your time darling. Betty heard that some French madman already wrote 'memoirs'.

Woman: You should have seen Florence's husband's face when we came out. Oh, hang on, it was just like that actually...
Jake in Manchester, UK

He claims to have writer's block. If you ask me, the only cure for his 'blockage' is prune juice.
Kelby in Austin

Come, Sherlock! Maybe a threesome will assuage your dyspepsia!
Ted S. in Little Falls, NY

Darling, i've told Annabelle she can stay as long as she likes, you'd be happy to sleep on the couch while she's here.

Theodore turned in his chair, giving Betty and Lynn a lingering, side-long glance. "What could they be up to...?" he thought to himself, fingering his fountain pen precariously over the manuscript of his latest novel, the sprawling epic, 'Foamy Waves of Passion's Ungoverned Despair'. "I'm sure that they couldn't know--how could they know? I've hidden the trapdoor well; and even if she did suspect, two layers of sea-lion-skin rugs are far too heavy to lift for a woman of such dainty pulchritude as Lynn--But Betty... Betty, Betty, Betty, I'm not so sure about that one. She's a dyke. She has dyke-strength, that one. And ho! Perhaps when Lynn herself was trying to persuade me 'oh Theodore, stop calling my sister a dyke, for heaven's sake she has three children' that lesbian-queen herself was hurling those rugs away like a behemoth vixen, clawing through my trap door, bounding across the rancid-custard booby-traps (nay, she must've slurped up the foul concoctions herself, that nefarious demon-puss!), and into the secret chamber! God help me, if she laid her dirty dyke-tongue on a single one of my Boy Meets World action figures, in the name of Topanga, I will f--"
Sam in Colorado

"Oh Lynn, that was a hilarious joke about pecans."
"Do you think so? Oh why thank you Betty. I do so enjoy--"
"He's doing it again."
"Oh. Oh dear. Why do you think he... And that eyebrow, my god."
"I never knew a person could raise their eyebrow so high."
"Really, that's quite an achievement."
"Yes. But it is quite unsettling."
"Let's go for a drink."
"Yes, now please."
Sam in Colorado

Don't worry, Jules. Madd Maxx is just mad that we played pancakes without him.
KW in Dallas, TX

Hmmm... I wonder how much I'll save if I file my tax status as "polygamist"
A Soggy French Fry in United States of Alcohol

Damn Mormon church would only grant me one prenup!!
A Soggy French Fry in United States of Alcohol

"Dahling, sadly, the pen is mightier than the sword."
Kurt Knochel

"Ahh, Don't Mind my husband, he always looks that way when Constipated"

Man: Either you two stop that, or else make me a sandwich!
Joshua Zev Levin, Ph.D. in Marlton, NJ

"Oh Dorothy, you forgot his hemorrhoids cream again didn't you?"
A Soggy French Fry in United States of Alcohol

Oh, he's always like this at tax time, Betty.

"Judge, do you mean you've never married conjoined twins before?"
JOe Tully

Man: Which one of you farted?
A Soggy French Fry in United States of Alcohol

Don't forget, darling, since Elizabeth and I can't marry I will be receiving alimony from you for a very long time.

Woman on the right: "Don't make that face at us, good sir. As you are perfectly aware, whomever smelt it is the party that dealt it!"

Well, you should have picked up your Viagra like I told you!
Ray Henderson

Relax, dear. Her astrologer told her she can pay us back as soon as there is a six planet alignment in Capricorn.
Doforanimals in Southwest Florida

You're right honey, she can't give me everything--she doesn't pay the bills!
BG in Sunny San Diego

Woman on right - "Honey, I know you are a sad case, but please stop writing jokes in base 13."

Poor dear, he's just disappointed because he misheard when I told him my new friend was a notorious flapper.
Mo Holkar on 02/18

Jeff dear, are you trying to pen another "God exists" response to Madd Maxx?
Madd Maxx

With dawning horror, Frank realized that the second wife in a polygamous marriage was not tax deductable.

Look, dear! You can move her just like a real woman, and you'll never guess where I've got my hand!

If you were REALLY heterosexual, dear, you'd want to join in!
Paul Cilwa in Mesa, AZ

Don't worry about him, dear. Ever since his "accident" with the belt sander, he has to be content writing captions for cartoons!
Vern in KY

Woman on right: Darling, I know we said we were going to have a threesome with Matilda here, but she and I have talked it over and we'd like you to leave so we can be alone together.
Chickchickaboom in Merlin

Oh, Harold. When I said "Let us be gay" I didn't mean you!
Darev2005 in Midwest Hell
     Posted By: Paul - Wed Feb 18, 2009
     Category: Weird Universe | Contest

Is there a prize for the name that shows up the most in the comments? LOL
Posted by Madd Maxx on 02/18/09 at 01:45 PM
You already got the Best Slacker prize for your overall comments - what more do you want?!?
Posted by Jules in Connecticut on 02/18/09 at 01:49 PM
Money, sex, international fame...whaddya got?
Posted by Madd Maxx on 02/18/09 at 01:50 PM
Now there's a loaded question! 😉
I got lots of stuff, you got a plane ticket?
Posted by Jules in Connecticut on 02/18/09 at 01:53 PM
I only want some of your stuff...oh, alright, I'll take it all.

I'll ask my wife for a plane ticket for my birthday...just 1 ticket.
Posted by Madd Maxx on 02/18/09 at 01:55 PM
Tell her you're going to tour the Sam Adam's plant in Boston
Posted by Jules in Connecticut on 02/18/09 at 01:58 PM
I'll need something better than that. I quit drinking beer since I quit smoking.
Posted by Madd Maxx on 02/18/09 at 01:59 PM
Smirnoff in is CT
Posted by Jules in Connecticut on 02/18/09 at 02:01 PM
Eww! But OK! She'll fall for that. I'm a vodka freak!
Posted by Madd Maxx on 02/18/09 at 02:03 PM
Eww? not a Smirnoff fan?
Posted by Jules in Connecticut on 02/18/09 at 02:05 PM
No, I prefer Grey Goose (so make sure you have a couple of bottles ready for when I visit Smirnoff). *wink, wink*
Posted by Madd Maxx on 02/18/09 at 02:09 PM
I have Grey Goose AND Three Olives grape in my freezer right now
Posted by Jules in Connecticut on 02/18/09 at 02:10 PM
Well, all you need is plastic covers for your bed and you will be all set for me. We don't want to get syrup all over your sheets.
Posted by Madd Maxx on 02/18/09 at 02:12 PM
Tell you what - I'm visiting my sister in April so book the much cheaper flight over to her instead of all the way up here to me and who gives a crap if the hotel has to throw out a set of sheets!
Posted by Jules in Connecticut on 02/18/09 at 02:16 PM
Wait! Did you just offer your sister up to me too!?!?

That'll put you and me close enough to KW to stack those cakes!!
Posted by Madd Maxx on 02/18/09 at 02:19 PM
I'm sure I can convince my sister to join in, she likes married guys! And we can all make the (4 hour, I think) drive down to KW and make our own WU story 😊
Posted by Jules in Connecticut on 02/18/09 at 02:20 PM
As long as everybody is sticky by the end, I'm in.
Posted by Madd Maxx on 02/18/09 at 02:22 PM
Sticky for what reason is the big question. Many substances can accomplish that!
Posted by Jules in Connecticut on 02/18/09 at 02:39 PM
My birthday is in April so this might work out pretty good.

Sticky because of the all the love juices and syrup, sweet Jules! I think we now have you, your sister, KW and myself all in one bed having pancakes. It's gonna get sticky.
Posted by Madd Maxx on 02/18/09 at 02:47 PM
That's it! Sam's out! 😉
Posted by Madd Maxx on 02/18/09 at 02:53 PM
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