Weird Universe Archive

March 2009

March 30, 2009

The Talented Amy Gordon

On her resume, cabaret comedienne Amy Gordon lists her Special Skills as: Rollerskate dancing (disco, tap), Ukulele, Swing Dance, Tango, Stilts, Slackwire, Rolling Globe, Yoga, Prat/Stairfalls, Hat-tricks, Juggling (pass clubs, knives, fire), rubber face/body, dialects, Dutch/French languages, Pyrotechnic Shooter.

Her acts include doing a Flamenco dance on rollerskates, singing "Taint No Sin" accompanied in harmony by skulls she wears as a bra, as well as playing "America the Beautiful" in three part harmony on kazoos from three different orifices. The latter act you can see below.

Posted By: Alex - Mon Mar 30, 2009 - Comments (12)
Category: Human Marvels, Music, Patriotism, Theater and Stage, Performance Art

March 29, 2009

The Leader of the Laundromat

Posted By: Paul - Sun Mar 29, 2009 - Comments (3)
Category: Music, 1960s, Parody

Premium Flying Disc

I've created a new category for Overpriced Merchandise, since it's been a recurring theme at WU for a while.

What we have here is not just a frisbee, it's a "premium leather flying disc" that has felt lining for "finger comfort." Plus, it comes in an "array of hues." It's yours for only $305.

Posted By: Alex - Sun Mar 29, 2009 - Comments (5)
Category: Overpriced Merchandise, Sports

March 28, 2009

The Chipettes

How did I never know till now that Alvin & the Chipmunks had female analogues in The Chipettes? Here, they sing one of my favorite songs--and I don't half mind their rendition!

Posted By: Paul - Sat Mar 28, 2009 - Comments (9)
Category: Animals, Music, Cartoons, 1980s

The School For Vampyres

Apparently Vampyres have to go to school, just like everybody else. (I don't know if Vampyres are different than Vampires, or if it's just a more pretentious spelling of the same.) I think a degree from this school would be a great addition to my resume:

It is our desire that our School for Vampyres address the Vampyre at all levels, and that our teachings have a practical application in the world. Hence, all of these are steps towards the formation of a more compleat Setian, a more compleat Vampyre...
There will be those who first learn more about the Arkte Element here, who then Become Warriors. There will be others who first learn of the MetaMind Element here, and who will then specialize in it...
Applicants will be considered for admission to the Order by an existing Master of the Order (preferably), or by a III ° + member of the Order at large, or by one of the Grand Masters themselves. In most cases, if a Master of the Order deems a Setian is appropriate for the Order, that Setian's membership will almost always be guaranteed. In all cases, however, the decision to admit a Setian will be at the sole discretion of one or both Co-Grand Masters.

Posted By: Alex - Sat Mar 28, 2009 - Comments (18)
Category: Paranormal, School

March 27, 2009

[News] Even More Things to Worry About Today

It had to happen sooner or later so might as well have been in Heilbronn, Germany: Police there have a 15-year open case on a female serial killer whose DNA has been found at 40 crime scenes in southern Germany and Austria, but are just now learning that maybe the matching DNA came from the cotton buds used to swab the crime scenes, inadvertently contaminated at the factory by a single female packager. BBC News

I think we're about ready to call the "motorist stuck on railroad tracks" predominately a senior-citizen problem. This Newark, Del., woman's age is not given, but inference is easy on the brain, and it takes a special person to mistake "the tracks" for the street you're supposed to turn onto. WPVI-TV (Philadelphia)

D'Oh! When a Hemphill, Pa., gas station customer complained about the price of cigarettes, it ticked off the clerk, who reached in his pocket and slapped down $60 to bet the guy he couldn't find a lower price anywhere . . whereupon the customer grabbed the cash and fled. Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

And a little good news to ease you into the weekend: No virgins for the suicide bomber in Helmand in southern Afghanistan, who was saying good-bye to his colleagues as he set out on his mission, and his vest accidentally exploded, killing him and six other jihadis. Reuters

Your Daily Jury Duty
["In America, a person is presumed innocent until the mug shot is released"]
R. Lavern Davison, 40, Kelseyville, Calif., charged with convincing a 13-yr-old girl in Centerville, Utah, to hop on a bus and come see him. (She assumed he was a World of Warcraft pal; he wanted you-know-what.) The crime's ugly, but we must be fair and observe Davison on the perp walk before we judge him. KUTV (Salt Lake City)

Today's Newsrangers: Warren Brown, Kathryn Wood, Pete Randall, Karl Olson, Emory Kimbrough, Jerry Whittle

Posted By: Chuck - Fri Mar 27, 2009 - Comments (14)
Category:

Why Tinfoil Hats Don’t Work

You might have seen the newspaper reports last fall about this experiment. Here's how it was done.

Posted By: Paul - Fri Mar 27, 2009 - Comments (6)
Category: Eccentrics, Science, Experiments, Psychology, Technology

[News[ Things to Worry About Today

A judge in Edwardsville, Ill., ruled that Charles Douglas was using his right to free (though creepy) speech when he asked parents in a city park if he could go tickle their little urchins (because he is a "Tickle Monster"). Associated Press via WBBM-TV (Chicago)

The headmaster of the anciently prestigious Boston Latin High School felt it necessary to issue a public denial . . no vampires in the school, no one has been bitten. WCVB-TV (Boston)

Parallel Universe: Apparently you've had your choice the last few days in Oakland, Calif. You could attend the memorial services honoring the four cops gunned down Saturday by Lovelle Mixon, or you could attend the memorial service honoring Lovelle Mixon. Associated Press via KOVR-TV (Sacramento)

Update: District of Columbia Councilman Marion Barry's phobia about filing tax returns has put him at least $277k behind to the federal gov't, plus unspecified amounts to the D.C. gov't, and the U.S. Attorney wants to send Barry and his brand-new kidney to prison because he's twice violated his probation by failing to file. Washington Post

Your Daily Loser
Catch me once on camera stealing stuff out of a police bait car: shame on me. Let me go and then catch me again on camera stealing stuff out of another police bait car: well, shame, shame, double shame, everybody knows my name: Dean Hancock, 29, Bristol, England Daily Telegraph [LINK CORRECTED]

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
You wouldn't expect to find Elvis Crespo in this space, but the 37-yr-old Grammy-winning Puerto Rican singer was the subject of an airline passenger complaint that he was openly diddling himself on a flight into Miami yesterday. Associated Press via Houston Chronicle

Posted By: Chuck - Fri Mar 27, 2009 - Comments (7)
Category:

March 26, 2009

[News] The Trolls of Biscayne Bay

Like dozens of hyperventilating jurisdictions nationwide, Florida's Miami-Dade County has restrictions on where its convicted sex offenders can live—even the ones who have long finished their sentences. And it happens that the F State's most populous county officially has only one spot that is far enough away from places where our little buttercups play: the run-up to the Interstate 195 bridge from Miami to Miami Beach (the Julia Tuttle Causeway). Literally. Judges routinely give released sex offenders the choice: hit the road out of the county, or make a tent. In fact, there's a fella named Juan Carlos Martin who's been there so long that he showed a reporter his Florida driver's license with his address as "Julia Tuttle Causeway Bridge." This week, though, the more-or-less population of 52 men welcomed its first sex-offendress, the 43-yr-old Voncel Johnson, and so far, her campmates are protecting her, rather than harassing her. Miami Herald

Your Daily Loser
Craig Aylesworth, 51, Bithlo, Fla. (east of Orlando), feuding with his neighbor in a mobile home park, tossed a Molotov cocktail at his trailer but is now homeless, for failing to focus on the concept of "wind." Central Florida News 13

Today's Newsrangers: Gil Nelson, Mark Neunder, Scott Langill, Steve Miller, Stephen Taylor

Posted By: Chuck - Thu Mar 26, 2009 - Comments (13)
Category:

[News] Things to Worry About Today

Best murder defense available, according to Christopher Rogers's lawyer: Well, true, Christopher did confess to killing those three people, but only because "aliens" had taken him over and made him say it . . in exacting detail. (Bonus: You can take a look at him sitting in court and make up your own mind.) Anchorage Daily News

More evil spirits: The San Francisco lawyer for a victim of a $500k fraud said that accused con man Kausbal Niroula, 27, is just an "evil" force, with a "supernatural ability to get low bail" in his cases. ("There are too many instances of him getting out and going free to blame it on his charisma or a lack of good police work.") SF Weekly

A stationery shop clerk in Gravesend, England, actually accepted that £20 note that was supposed to feature The Queen's face but actually featured the face of (lower-case) queen Boy George. Daily Telegraph

But he knew the layout: Off-duty police officer Michael Tindall was arrested, charged with robbing the First Bank of Conroe (Texas), where he worked as a security guard. (Yeah, he wore a helmet and sunglasses, but . . .) Houston Chronicle

Economic stimulus in Britain: Paul and Deborah Rees, professional psychics, just got a £4.5k small-business grant to open an "academy" in South Wales and reminded critics that how else are grieving parents going to be sure their dead kids are safe, other than by asking them directly? Daily Mail

Your Daily Jury Duty
["In America, a person is presumed innocent until the mug shot is released"]
Andrew Krogh, 47, is a respected entrepreneur in Sacramento, he says, and wouldn't stoop to goosing up his glass-installation business by breaking windows around town with a slingshot. KXTV (Sacramento) [3-photo auto-slide show on right rail]

Posted By: Chuck - Thu Mar 26, 2009 - Comments (12)
Category:

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Alex Boese
Alex is the creator and curator of the Museum of Hoaxes. He's also the author of various weird, non-fiction books such as Elephants on Acid.

Paul Di Filippo
Paul has been paid to put weird ideas into fictional form for over thirty years, in his career as a noted science fiction writer. He has recently begun blogging on many curious topics with three fellow writers at The Inferior 4+1.

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Chuck is the purveyor of News of the Weird, the syndicated column which for decades has set the gold-standard for reporting on oddities and the bizarre.

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